The Refugees

Chapter 31: Ash

Edited

The first thing I feel when I wake up is the throbbing in my head and the drought at the back of my throat. The sun is blaring too strongly for my tired eyes, already putting me in a bad mood. It's not long until I realize what exactly happened last night and as I turn over quickly in a panic I see Savannah's innocent face against the pillow, her eyes tightly shut. 

I sigh as I get up from bed. Today will be a long day and I'm not looking forward to it. How do I face Savannah after what happened last night? How do I keep Declan's mouth shut for more than a minute and how will I be able to deal with both Amber and Robert if and when they find out? 

I head to the bathroom and wet my face with cold water to attempt freshening myself up but I know this is just the consequence of being weak and needing the alcohol to numb it all away. Today we'll be heading to The Dome situated in the Undergrounds of Gendale so it can stay hidden. It's not quite like The Shelters that Savannah has grown up in as the overall structures are different and it's much smaller. Rather than being an underground city in which nobody is meant to leave, The Dome is a training space and living area for those without a home and that have decided to work with Robert and a few other men in important positions. It's also the only place I can recognize as home after all those years in the army.

I hear a knock on the door and I already know it's Robert. 

"We have to go. Now." He orders after I open the door for him.

I quickly wake up Declan and ask him to wake up Savannah as I can't quite talk to her right now nor deal with the never-ending questions which are most certainly headed my way. In five minutes we are all up and ready to go with just a bit to eat before our long walk to Gendale.

Gendale is one of the bigger cities that most people are drawn to. Most people live there as it is safer and less likely to be directly impacted by the war as quickly as the smaller towns which no government official cared for. The whole system is corrupt and the only reason they un-legitimately had was that it would cause terror in the in the cities and make the people more inclined to follow the government officials' every word like  sheep.

"They're coming, we have to hurry and get to the Dome by four this afternoon. Understood?" Robert calls out as we come to a halt at the beginning of the forest, this forest that never fucking ends.

"Yes sir!" Declan, Amber and I all call out in sync.

I look over hesitantly at Savannah and she doesn't even meet my eyes, instead she turns hr head away with a look I can't quite place on her face. When I give up, I see Amber's eyes flaring with annoyance at me before she looks away too. Great. Just great.

We all start walking into the obscure forest yet again and I simply try to keep as quiet as possible. Declan for once does the same and Robert has a private conversation with Savannah about general things that I don't really care for.

"Ash?" Amber asks, interrupting my comfortable silence.

Now, the moment I was dreading.

"Did something happen between you and Savannah...?" There's a small pause as her eyes search deeply into mine but it has become too easy to hide my emotions and so I know she won't find anything there. "Or perhaps, let me rephrase that; what happened between you and Savannah?"

She knows and I know she knows but I still can't give anything away to her. I don't want to hurt her more than I already have.

"What makes you think that something happened between us?" I reply with a question of my own, avoiding her initial one.

"I don't know, my instinct, the awkward mood hanging in the air, the way you guys now act towards each other..."

"But nothing substantial."

"Listen Ash, I'm not dumb." She warns lowly. "Obviously something happened. What I want to know if why? Why do it? Why her? ... Why not me?"

She looks down and I do the same, I can't look at her in the face and break her heart in front of me. Not after what happened to my mother, not ever again.

"I'm sorry but I can't see you that way... We grew up together and I care about you but as family. I really don't want to hurt you. You are just as worthy as any other girl and–"

"But I'm not her."

"Her?"

"Savannah." She rolls her green eyes, her blonde hair moving lightly with the small breeze blowing.

"It's not like that, I was drunk and–"

"Horny? Please. I see the way you look at her. That's the thing, I see everything. I know you don't like me that way and I thought the more mature I looked the more I could change your previous view of me being a little girl, but it seems no matter how much I change that little girl just seems to follow around. I know it's not your fault, but I can't help but hate her for it. She has it so easy. She just walks into your life and you're already all over her. You said you didn't want to hurt me but that's not up to you. Life is unfair and having you in my rich life showed me money couldn't buy everything and I couldn't get everything that I wanted."

"It's not like that though..."

"Ash, the sooner you admit it to yourself the better. Because as much as I hate having to say this, you like her but she also likes you too."

"Amber..."

"I'm going to head off now! Declan seems lonely." She gives me a bright smile before walking away and I know in that moment how much I just hurt Amber and the worst part is I was so unconscious about it. I know she was trying to encourage me in the best way that she could to go after Savannah but I don't even know if I want or can do that. I don't even know how I feel about her and I can't let any relationship whatsoever start between us so what's the point anyways.

I have to admit though that kissing her did appease my sudden cravings for her then. Or well it did for a second. Instead of filling me up, make me forget this obsession for her, it made me realize how hungry I was for more. The truth is, I'm just as dull as a paper wrapper. I don't know what Savannah could possibly see in me. I never know what girls see in me. My looks? Perhaps, but Savannah is different. She wouldn't base the fact that she liked me on my looks solely, but then what else does she see? How can someone so delicate, so fragile even want anything to do with me? If she's a flower, I'm the man unaware I'm stepping on her and if she's a crystal, then I'm the child dropping it by accident onto the hard ground. Or maybe it's all on purpose. Maybe something that looks so delicate and fragile should be broken. Maybe I want to break her.

I look away from her. Enough with Savannah. Get her out of your head. Apologize for your mistake. Say it'll never happen again. 

But I want it to happen again. 

This is all so frustrating! I need to clear my head out and with her just there it's intoxicating! Suffocating! All sorts of things are passing through my mind; things that contradict each other and confuse me even more.

I ignore them all. Words are just words. Unless you act upon them. And I guess I did. But in a drunken state. I was proud too. But it's different, if she gets too attached to me, she'll be disappointed for sure. I am a disappointment. I'm not right for her. I'm very wanted too. By the government. There is a high chance I may not live much longer anyways. There's no way I can hurt her like that. I can't lead her on just so she ca find out I died later on; she'll be devastated. 

She needs someone who can love her and devote himself to her and never leave her side or hurt her, and that can't be me. The thing is she could get anyone if she really wanted to. She's that type of person who radiates kindness and purity. I'm nothing but a black hole and being around me will just end up dimming her brightness. 

She's better without me.

I have to end things before it gets too complicated.

~~~

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