The Refugees

Chapter 13: Savannah

Edited

"I was in the army." He says suddenly, and I'm not entirely sure that's what he says because the resonating sound coming from his shoulder is unclear and vague.

"What?" I whisper, my voice cracking in disbelief.

"I was in the army." He repeats now looking straight at me as I sit up.

I stay silent for a moment, unable to respond to his very sudden declaration.

"Why?" I finally utter.

He stays silent, perhaps thinking about whether he should answer or not.

"Savannah?" He asks lightly, almost as if asking my permission before saying anything at all, perceived as a mere whisper to my ears.

"Yes?" I quickly answer, awaiting what he's going to say next.

"Do you have any hopes or dreams for the future?"

Hopes and dreams?

"What do you mean? Doesn't everyone?"

"I don't. It's like at certain times I become an empty vessel but when I've numbed my feelings for too long I get a painful reminder of what it feels like to feel and it feels so painful I could die. That's what led me to first believe if I joined the war I wouldn't have anything to lose. Because of everything that has happened not feeling anything was easier. I wanted... no, I needed something to confirm I had emotions, which is stupid because all along I knew I did. I wouldn't be feeling this torture inside my chest if I didn't."

I wonder what happened to him, what he experienced, but in this moment, knowing was irrelevant. I already knew he was hurting that was enough for me. Prying for more information at this point was not only unnecessary but also selfish because it would most likely upset him.

"I thought doing something as grotesque as killing others would wake my senses for the better but it didn't, at least not the way I thought it would. Instead, it showed me how robotic I could act by not seeing the soul in the body when I killed someone. They were only orders, I told myself." He continues, his eyes almost glassy as he relives past memories.

I continue to stare at him as I realize the first layer of his facade is crumbling before me. His eyes are less shielded than they were the night before and I can start to see the emotions in them, even if it is just slightly and momentarily, like a small flicker that could disappear at any given moment.

"I'm just a coward, running away from my responsibilities, never opening up to prevent myself from getting hurt."

I'm speechless yet grateful that he has chosen to open up and trust me with these thoughts. He looks almost sad. He looks deep in thought and I can tell something else is bothering him but I decide not to push him about it. After all, the first door to his heart has been broken down but how much more force will it take for him to reveal everything?

"You're not a coward since you just opened up to me." I tell him, seriousness and empathy seeming to flow naturally out of me beyond my control.

Then his face turns to me. He looks into my eyes as he thinks then his gaze lowers slightly as he eyes my lips probably thinking about what to say. Then he speaks.

"Where do you get that? All that trust and positivity."

The question sort of me takes me off guard since I never took the time to think about it. Who would?

"I'm not sure where you see all that so-called trust and positivity because I haven't given you any proof to believe that I am that way, yet." I tell him, unsure of what else to say.

"It's simply your demeanor, how I can read you like an open book, how all your emotions are written all over your face. People like you are often happier because people can connect more easily with them."

"I'm not sure whether that's a rude comment or a compliment."

"Maybe both. But at the end of the day you're happier than I am, so I guess it's a compliment. I'm just an empty vessel. Someone with no emotions."

Things must be even more jumbled up in his mind than in mine.

As an impulse, a reflex I place myself over him and hug him. My arms wrap around his shoulders and I place my chin over his head. He doesn't say anything or do anything for a second, probably processing what is happening while accepting my hug. He then lifts his head to face me then wraps his arms around my waist pulling me closer to him. I let my head relax on his shoulder, sinking down to a sitting position over his legs and he simply fans my neck as he breathes.

He smells good.

~~~

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Song: The Chainsmokers - Inside Out ft Charlee