My Depressed/Transgender Diary

July 25, 2016

Had another bad day, so I wrote this poem:

Just another fuck up

In your eyes.

Why do I

Have to be the one that lies? 

I tell you these fibs

Every day

So I can keep you away

From these scars

You're so close to finding.

I want to hide so bad

And just start crying.

Its been too long

Since I last cried.

The cuts help

Curb the pain your words inflict.

I'm trying to stop,

I really am.

But I can't.

I've fallen too deep into this abyss called

Depression.

I hate myself

I hate you

I hate the world for hating the real me.

I hide the real me behind

Sarcasm and

Faked laughter.

You don't get it,

The real me is not 

A perfect girl 

Like you wanted.

The real me is named Matt.

And he may be a fuck up,

But at least he's a happy fuck up.

But you hate on anyone who is not like you,

And you hate on me

For being different. 

Mom, please understand...

My life is getting worse

And I don't think 

I can hold onto this string of hope any longer.

I'm slipping

Falling

Screaming

Clawing

But I can't get back out of this abyss.

I'm sorry for not being what you wanted.

You never even got to know the real me...

Then I cuddled up with my chubby one year old sister. I love her so much because she's not old enough to say she hates me yet. 

But yeah, today my mom keeps yelling at me about how much I try to  make her not eat, when she knows I can't cook worth a shit. I tried to make macaroni earlier and I thought it turned out good, but she yelled at me about fucking up yet another dish... I mean, seriously, she's even yelled at me for burning bacon before... BACON OF ALL THINGS! I know it good and all that shit, but if she's gonna be that much of an asshole over it I'm not even gonna try to cook decent anymore... Well I guess its back to cleaning the house....

LATERS MY NINJA ARMY <3