Lost for You

Chapter 3

"One week down, three more years to go Jamie" my brother says as we make our way back home.

"Yay" I reply sarcastically.

I like UCLA. The classes got better nearing the end of the week when we finally started to engage in work. I hung out with Lauren for most of the week and we occasionally joined Katy and Sam in the cafeteria. The first week went pretty well aside from the first day when I tried to speak to Harry. I'm grateful I didn't bump into him again. I don't think I could handle being in front of him again while he looks at me like I'm a pathetic little insect that he wishes to dispose of. His hate towards me was clear as day. Just the thought of his eyes looking at me that way again makes me want to curl up into a ball, go hide and never come back. I had never really been involved in conflict before nor had I experienced so much hate from someone. I let out a sigh as we pull into the driveway and quickly go upstairs to take a shower. I feel sick and I'm not sure if it's because of the heated weather or the image of Harry shooting mental darts at me as we stood in front of the library.

The shower relaxes me and just as I exit the shower, wrapped in a towel, I see my phone light up on my bed.

*Hey, Party tonight at Zayns! You have to come!* -Lauren

Zayn? Yeah cause I know who that is.

"Hey Jamie you out of the shower?" My brother shouts from down stairs.

"Yeah!"

"K I'm gonna have one while you get ready. I know how long it takes you girls!" I can hear him opening the downstairs towel cupboard. I'm thankful we have our own bathrooms. Even when we were little we use to hate sharing because we take just as long as the other.

"Ready for what?" I shout back down, happy that my brother has plans so I don't have to go to the party. I really feel like being a lazy sloth tonight.

"Zayns Party" I hear him say while he walks up the stairs. Damn it. He opens my door while I'm in my towel.

"Do you mind" I comment.

"Whoops sorry" he says closing the door and continues speaking from the other side. "Anyways, it's a huge party to celebrate the first week of semester and you're coming."

"Do I have to?" I almost sound whiney.

"Yeah. C'mon sis. Don't act like you don't want to. Uncle Dan told me about a few times you came stumbling home in the early hours all loud and giggly with your friends" he says and I can tell he's smiling on the other side of the door. Damn you Uncle Dan.

"Fine" I smile. I'm really not one to bond over drunken antics but I suppose it would be good to get to know a few more people.

"Wohoo Jamie's first UNI party!" he cheers walking back down stairs.

*I'll see you there. Ty's going too.* I reply back to Lauren.



Harrys POV:

'Hey man you coming tonight?" Niall asks once I put him onto loud speaker as I drive towards Zayns.

Stupid fucking question. "Of course I am. When have I ever missed a party?" I ask questioning his stupidity.

"Oh nah just wondering cause none of us have seen you all week. Where you been?" he asks.

"Around" I reply, annoyance clear in my tone.

Niall obviously picks up on it as he quickly replies "OK cool bro I'll see you there" and hangs up.

As I pull up to Zayns parents' house I already envision my plans for tonight. Get absolutely wasted so I can forget about those dark blue eyes that have haunted me this whole week. I can't believe she came back and had the fucking nerve to try talk to me again. How dare she come back here and smile at me with the same innocence I remember all those years ago. If I can just continue to avoid her I might be able to lock away the memories that are beginning to resurface. Memories I don't want to remember. I don't want to go back to that dark place.



Jamies POV:

"Jamie c'mon" my brother yells from down stairs.

I'm still frantically trying to decide what to wear. I've changed at least five times now. My hair is already done, falling down just past my waist in lose curls while my makeup is pretty neutral. I have never been a fan of the heavy makeup. I don't know what kind of party this is. Is it casual and cool or sluty and sexy? Argh. I decide to go with casual and cool. I quickly chuck on my loose white cotton top followed by my ripped light denim skinny jeans. Too casual? I run into my closet which thankfully has all my shoes which arrived yesterday from Canada. I pick out my black and white ankle strap stilettos to class up the look a bit. Last but not least I grab my gold charm bracelet my dad brought for my 9th birthday. It only has one charm on it. A tiny crown. Cliché and a bit cheesy but it was what my dad always called me. Princess.

"Jamie" my brother yells again just as I clip the bracelet around my wrist. I grab my small black and gold handbag and head downstairs.



It's already ten o'clock by the time we get there and I can hear the music blasting from down the drive as Ty and I begin to walk up. The neighbouring houses are further enough to not be disturbed by the loud music thumping from the house that looks to be almost 3 stories tall.

"Wow, are you sure it's OK that I'm here?" I ask as I begin to notice just how big this party is. There are so many people. We pass a guy already vomiting in the bush alongside the driveway.

"Zayns one of my mates so it's fine. This is his parents place and they only come here once a year so it's basically his. It where most of the parties go down around here" he says as we enter through the huge doorway.

"Hey bro!" a boy with handsomely good looking features approaches my brother as we walk through the door. He's wearing a plain black shirt and distressed black denim jeans. His black hair is styled back away from his face which is covered in small black stubble.

"Hey Zayn" my brother smiles and embraces him in their manly shake "started without me this time" my brother nods at Zayns red cup in his hand. Zayn smiles and his whole face lights up, eyes creasing with his genuine reaction.

"Hell-o" he says turning to me now giving me a small wink.

"Ease up bad boy that's my sister" Ty says giving a playful push on his shoulder.

"Oh really..." he playfully teases looking back at me.

"Yes really!" Ty says pulling him into a gentle head lock.

"I'm joking, I'm joking!" Zayn laughs at my brothers' playful defence. I smile at the two of them as they banter for a couple of minutes.

"Try again" my brother prompts.

"Hello I'm Zayn" he says gently smiling while putting his hand out for me to shake.

"Jaime" I reply shaking his hand.

"You guys want some drinks? There's loads in the kitchen" he gestures around the corner.

"Oh shit I forgot my beers in the car. I'll be right back" my brother turns out the door and makes his way back down to the car.

"So how you liking UCLA o far Jamie?" Zayn asks coolly as we begin to walk into the kitchen.

"It's been OK" I shrug. Which it has. It hasn't been the most exciting time that's for sure.

"'OK'? That's not we want to hear" he says reaching for a red cup and pours some wine into it. "Here" he says handing me the cup, "Tonight your experience as a UCLA student official begins" he says and we clink our two red cups together and I take a sip. I've never been a fan of wine but I'm not going to decline his drink.

"Zayn c'mon!" a small blonde girl yells from upstairs. She's wearing a hot pink mini dress that shows her legs and boobs and I can see her face plastered in makeup all the way from down here. Yup, definitely a slut party I say to myself.

"I'll be right back" he says putting his drink on the counter and begins to make his way up stairs. As I watch him walk away I notice how small he actually is.

"Jamie" I hear a girl say. I look up to see Lauren walking towards me with a smile on her face. She's wearing a very cute white dress that slightly flares at the waist.

"Hey girl!" she chirps giving me a huge hug.

"Hi" I laugh, returning the hug as I smell the alcohol on her.

"Where have you been I've been waiting ages! The girls are outside, come" she says grabbing my hand and leading me through a room filled with people dancing away to the thumping music. We make it out onto a huge patio that has a big pool in the corner. I can already see a few girls walking around the pool in their white dresses absolutely soaked from jumping into the water.

"Hey Jamie" Sam and Katy say at the exact same time, both standing up from their seats and giving me an awkward three way hug.

I sit down with down them and they begin to talk about how some guy just tried to start a fight with Zayn earlier but one of Zayns friends stepped in and left that guy almost running for the hills.

"It was pretty intense" Sam comments.

"THE GUY that scared him off was intense" Katy adds widening her eyes at the thought.

"Boys" I say rolling my eyes.

"What about them?" I hear my brother say from behind me. He joins us along with a couple of other guys.

I just shake my head at his question. No point in talking to my brother about boys and their ego's when he's one to never back down from a fight.

He introduces his two friends Liam and Connor who seem pretty chilled. I then go on to introduce the girls, not that they need it. They already know my brother's name. Everyone begins discussing what drinking game they want to play and the girls 'answer or drink' seems to be the winning game.

"You girls are so nosey" Liam smiles before taking another drink from his cup.

"How do you play?" I ask to no one in particular.

"It's a typical girl's game to find out more information on boys" Liam begins, "You basically ask someone a question and they either answer it or they have to take a shot. It's pretty easy to avoid answering personal questions by just drinking but the more you drink, the more you don't care and the more honest you become."

"And that's when the fun really starts" Connor adds before standing up, "I'm going to go get the tequila".

"There you guys are" Zayn says as he approaches the group. He's behind me but I can tell it's him. I just keep smiling to myself as I watch Katy and Sam as they try not to look at my brother but every few seconds I spot them peeping out the corner of their eye.

"Here we go" Connor says resuming his place in between Sam and Liam, putting down a shot glass, bottle of tequila, a salt shaker and a mini container of lemons in the middle of our circle.

"Oooh I'm in." Zayn says walking around my brother and I to sit next to Lauren. A boy wearing a dark red checked shirt and a black snapback walks around me also and goes to pull out the chair that is in between Zayn and I. I look up at him, and he at me and he freezes instantly. It's Harry. He just looks at me with an almost shocked expression on his face and I'm sure my face looks exactly the same. My stomach instantly begins to churn as I begin to feel uncomfortable under his stare.

"Sit down Harry" Zayn says breaking our stare and Harry hesitates momentarily before slowly pulling the chair out and sitting down. "This is Jamie, Ty's sister" he says introducing me even though he knows exactly who I am.

He doesn't say anything. He just stares at the round glass table in front of us and takes a swig from his beer bottle.

"Ignore him he's been in a mood all week" Zayn assures me and gives me another wink.

Harry turns to glare at Zayn but Zayn just brushes it off.

"OK lets start" Connor says clapping his hands impatiently.

"Err I don't know if I want to play...." I begin to say.

"Tut tut Jamie! C'mon" Sam smiles and I look to Lauren to help me out but she just shrugs and gives me a small smile.

"OK let me see... Zayn. First girl you slept with?" Connor asks.

"Crystal Duke" he answers without flinching.

Jeez they dive straight in there with the personal questions don't they. I hear Harry sigh next to me and I can almost feel the awkwardness radiating between the two of us. I really wish I could just leave right now but I know my brother was happy he could finally celebrate with me on coming home.

Zayn turns to Lauren, "First person you slept with cutie" he smiles. Is this the only question that's going to go around?

Lauren cheekily scrunches up her nose and grabs the shot glass, fills it up with tequila, quickly licks some salt, throws her head back in disgust as she takes the shot and finishes it off by sucking on a piece of lemon.

"Aw" Zayn jokingly tries to sound disappointed but just smiles at her.

"Katy, who's the hottest guy at UCLA?" Lauren teases knowing the answer already. Sam almost lurches for a tequila shot and downs it almost as fast as Lauren. Lauren begins to laugh and I try to stifle a giggle. I see Harry turn and face me as I giggle with Lauren and I turn to him just as he quickly turns back to staring at the table.

"What's so funny?" Ty asks me quietly.

"Nothing" I say not wanting to embarrass Katy. Her cheeks are already bright pink.

She turns and looks up at me as I begin to speak to my brother again "Jamie!" she interrupts, "what age did you lose your virginity?"

Harry chokes on his beer a little and I look over to him but he quickly calms himself.

"Ew no!" my brother screws his face up in disgust. "I don't want or need to know that. Ask her something else"

"No fair" she objects, "fine, who was your first kiss? I don't mean full on snog, I just mean your first sweet little innocent kiss" she says looking towards my brother in approval and he just lets out a small smile in appreciation of her simple question.

I see Harry's body tense at the same time mine does. For anyone it would be a simple question but my first kiss is sitting right next to me and by the look of his tense body language I get the feeling he doesn't want to be reminded. I'm hurt by his body language. That kiss was one of my sweetest memories until a week ago when I found out the boy turned into a complete asshole. I still remember that Christmas eve. We were both seven and Harry came over for dinner with my family as his family never celebrated Christmas for some reason. Dinner just finished and we could hear his mum calling him from next door.



Flashback

-

"Harry it's time to come home!"

"That's my mum" Harry said hoping off the high chair. "Thank you for dinner Mr and Mrs Christianson. Bye Tyler. Bye Jamie" he spoke politely before heading towards the door.

"Anytime Harry" my mum smiled at him, happy with his manners.

I quickly got off my chair too and ran to Harry just as he was about to shut the front door. I stepped outside with him and it was starting to snow.

"Hurry the fuck up and get your ass inside this house Harry!" I hear the bad man yelling.

Harry blinked through the snow, looking across at his house. Harry looks very sad. I don't want Harry to go back to that house. I want him to stay with me. The bad man doesn't like Harry but I like Harry. I can look after him.

It's so cold outside and I'm only wearing my white dress that Santa left me last night and my sparkly shoes. I don't care if it's cold. I don't want Harry to walk back to the bad house by himself. The man is getting louder and louder as we get closer and closer.

"Merry Christmas Harry" I say when we reach the fence.

Harry smiles at me and I can see his little dimple.

"Merry Christmas Jamie" he says and quickly pecks me on the mouth with his lips then runs off inside his house.

-

I unintentionally touch my lips as I remember standing in the snow confused about Harry kissing me. I'd only ever seen people kissing on television and when he kissed me I was so shocked but as happy as a girl could ever be.

"Well..." Katy interrupts my thoughts.

I then become aware of everyone staring at me, including Harry and for a moment I think he almost laughs as I see his lips turn up slightly at the corner of his mouth. I stare straight into his eyes and I know he's remembering too. I can't help but look down at his lips that are slightly open, remembering his small lips pressed to mine for only a second that night. I turn my gaze away from him, and take a shot just as quickly as the other girls did.

"What? That was an easy question!" Katy's amusement shines bright in her eyes. I can still feel Harry staring at me but I refuse to look. Katy looks at my bewildered face then back to Harry's then mine once again.

"Jamie didn't you and Ty use to live here?" she questions still looking between the two of us.

"Yeah" I say quietly, my breathing slowly increasing.

"So did you by any chance know H..." she begins to say but I stand up and leave the table before she finishes her sentence.



Harry's POV

"No fair" the violet haired girl says at Ty's request to ask a different question and I'm thankful. I don't think I want to know either. "Fine, who was your first kiss? I don't mean full on snog, I just mean your first sweet little innocent kiss".

My whole body tenses once the questions leave her lips and I'm taken back to that snowy Christmas night.

Jamie looked so cute in her little white dress. The top of her hair was pulled back into a pony tail, topped with a pink bow and the rest of her long hair fell into small ringlets. Her dark blue eyes watched me as we approached the fence listening to my step dad cussing in the house. Fucking lunatic. I didn't want to go back there. No one cared for me in that house. Jamie was the only good, pure sweet thing I had in my life and I never wanted to leave her side.

"Merry Christmas Harry" she said sweetly swaying side to side with her hands behind her back.

"Merry Christmas Jamie" I smiled before I gave a quick kiss on her small lips then ran off inside before I got too embarrassed.

I saw it on the TV one day, a man told a women he loved her before kissing her in the sunset. I almost laugh well remembering how embarrassed I was after kissing her but quickly go back to a straight face.

I find myself staring at her as she touches her lips with her fingers. Her lips are more full and pink, and she is beautiful. I can't stop staring at her face. Her long lashes surround her ocean blue eyes as she turns to look at me and I am captivated. Her eyes lock on mine and I can't turn away. I almost grin as I notice she looks down at my lips before quickly looking away and grabbing her tequila shot. She downs it quickly, flicking her long hair behind her back as she does so and her face scrunches up.

"What? That was an easy question!" Violet hair trumps. Fuck she's annoying. She didn't answer her stupid question moments ago if I remember correctly I want to say to her but decide not to. Why would I defend Jamie? She's the one that left me without one single fucking goodbye! You'd think after all the time we spent together she could at least owe me that. Jamie looks down at her hands as if she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Jamie didn't you and Ty use to live here?" she questions and I can see her in the corner of my eye looking between the two of us.

"Yeah" she barely says and her breathing starts to get heavier.

"So did you by any chance know H..." she begins to say but Jamie shoves her chair back and quickly leaves the table.

"What did I say?" She asks everyone looking confused.

"It's OK I'll go find her" Tyler says to 'violet head' before he gets up. Before I know it I'm getting up and following him. What the fuck am I doing going to look for her?

"I'll help" I say without knowing why. Tyler begins to look inside while I go searching around outside. What am I going to say to her when if I find her anyway? I have nothing to say. Actually no, I have a hell of a lot to fucking say to her. I hope I find her first so I can let out the demon that has been chewing me from the inside ever since she left me.

I make my way up to the small patio that is in the far corner at the back of the house. It's quiet out here and my heads spinning a little but I can still make out shapes. As I get closer to the patio I can see someone sitting on the corner bench that is pressed against the small brick wall. It's her. I can tell by her long golden hair that covers her shoulders and falls to her waist. Plus she's not dressed like the majority of the sluts that are here.

"Erm Hi....." Is all I manage to say and she looks up with glistening eyes. She's been crying.

Jamie's POV:

"Erm Hi..." I hear a familiar voice say and I turn to see Harry approaching me. The top few buttons of his shirt are undone and I can see more tattoos covering his chest along with a small necklace that looks very familiar. I take my eyes away from his chest to look up at him but can barely see through my watery eyes. I look away and quickly wipe away the heavy tears that were about to emerge. He doesn't sit with me but just stands and watches me with his hands in his pockets. I don't know what to say to him. I have lived with so much guilt not knowing what happened to my best friend after I left so abruptly that night. Just the thought almost brings me back to tears as I know how much pain he went through as a child.

"Harry I..." I begin.

"Don't" he almost growls staring at me with dark hooded eyes. All the light I remember that filled those once innocent green eyes have almost disappeared and I can't help the tears that threaten once again.

"Harry you have no idea how much I..." I try again.

"Don't you fucking start Jamie" he growls and I'm shocked at his violent approaches. He starts pacing back and forth, every so often balling his fists up until they turn pale.

"You left me! You fucking left me when you promised you wouldn't!" he begins to shout.

"I..."

"Do you even know what happened that night Jamie!?" He says kicking a pile of small pot plants across the patio. I gasp and tears begin to fall heavy from my eyes as I remember exactly what happened.

"Well!?" he continues.

I just nod my head and look down at my hands.

"Then say it!" he spits, but I stay silent.

"You know what I'll say it!" he says turning darker, "My mum was murdered by that fucking asshole of a man she called my step father right in front of my fucking eyes!" he lets out a huge breath and falls back against a small stool. He's breathing heavily and I can't help but feel as if this is the first time he's said it out loud. He sits for a moment and I can't help but cry even harder. At the time I didn't know what happened, it was only a few months later when my Uncle told me what happened that the guilt of leaving my friend built inside me. If there was any night that we needed each other the most it was that night yet he doesn't have a clue.

I get up from my seat and go sit next to him on the ground. I wrap my arms around him as his head hangs down between his legs as if he is defeated. I squeeze him tight and wish to tell him of what else happened that night but I feel in this moment I need to be here for him and only him. It almost feels like we are back in our secret hiding spot and I am again looking after the small broken boy.

"I'll look after you Harry" I accidentally let my thoughts slip from my mouth and he quickly jerks away.

"Are you kidding me?" he says scuttling to his feet. "Where were you to look after me that night then Jamie? Huh? You promised me you would always look after me and you fucking left me and I had no one! I was 9 years old and I had no one!" he yells again.

"Harry please! I had no choice!" I begin to explain frantically getting to my feet also. "My parents just took my brother and I, asleep from our beds and straight to the car and we left. I had no choice I..."

"Of course your parents took you without choice. You were always a little fucking princess. I bet your parents still control your every move!" He says looking at me in disgust.

My body begins to ache at thought of my parents "Harry my..."

"You know what Jamie just fuck off! You weren't there for me then and I don't fucking need you now!" he shouts with absolute hate pulsating from his every word.

Tears now drench my face and I can't handle his hateful words any longer. I turn away just in time to see my brother making his way up the stairs.

"Jamie go to the car" he says and walks straight past me. I do as he says immediately, not looking back at the boy who I once cared for. That boy is broken and he does not want to be fixed, especially by me.



Harrys POV:

I can feel heat radiating throughout my whole body and it's not the alcohol but anger and adrenaline all rolled into one. I punch a wooden stilt trying to release some of it. My knuckles are bleeding but I couldn't give a fuck. I turn to go make my way back down to the house only to see Tyler coming up.

"What the fuck did you do to her?" he asks to calmly and I just stare at him with just as much hate. He was there too. "I remember what happened to your parents" he says.

"Parent" I say emphasising the 't'. No way would I ever consider that bastard of man as my parent. My mum was the only family I had and even she wasn't there for me much but at least she tried.

"Well I know. And you don't have to take the whole thing out on her. It's not her fault" he says trying to stay calm but I can see the anger boiling up inside him. I've seen him try to control his anger before a couple of fights but if he keeps getting pushed he goes absolutely mental.

"I know" I grit. "Why don't you just fuck off back to your parents too Ty"

"You know what Styles, I watched my sister cry herself to sleep for months after she found out what happened. She cried for you! Not for herself, for you!" He begins to shout.

"Why the fuck would she cry for herself? It wasn't her mum that was murdered" I say in disgust.

"Oh really? Did Jamie tell you what else happened that night?" he questions lowering his tone.

I look at him confused. What else happened? I mentally ask.

"That night we left, we almost made it out of California until a drunk driver rammed into the side of our car, making us spin out and go straight down a huge bank." He says lifting up the right side of his shirt where a huge scar runs from his armpit down to his hip. "You weren't the only one who lost their parents that night" he says before walking off, leaving me standing alone in near darkness. I feel all the alcohol leave my body almost instantly as I come to terms with what he just said and guilt floods through my veins.



Fuck.