The Struggles

chapter 8 (the talk)

"Wait." I stopped in my tracks.

He ran hands through his hair before continuing, looking at the wall avoiding eye contact. "You're not understanding that now is not the time for me to prove myself, I've got a career and That's fucking important than sitting here and hanging out with my girlfriend. I love you but you've got to understand that it hurts me to see this change in you it's huge....so is my career. I can't live without you, these past weeks were enough to make me realise that....I'm sorry for everything, for hurting you, disappointing you, leaving you alone and everything...."

I stood up my fists clenched tightly to my sides "You can't do this you know. You can't just walk through that door after six years of us dating and tell me you needed a break, then come up to my door and want me back. Dude I know I've been difficult and I'm not denying it but right now, what you're doing is blowing up my mind. Look, things are and were always this messed up but you never gave up on us nor you've ever thought of parting ways. Whatever that's going in that brain, is not right because God! Everyone saw how hard these past years have been for me. It almost put me into loosing my sanity. I was living here like a robot, abandoned my feelings so that you don't have to face the guilt. Guess what Daniel, you do this....." my voice cracking up and throat filling up with unwanted emotions
"You complete your sentence and I'll leave. This time you can't just take a break and then come afterwards saying you can't live without me because technically you've been living without me for two years. You don't even have time to speak to me so yeah.....you do this and I'm never coming back." I yelled the last part trying to register the words myself too.

He stood up grabbing my shoulders he pulled me close " you think this is easy for me? You have no idea What is going on with me. I can't work properly, there are just so many doubts in my mind and I've been with you my whole life but you are not mature enough. It feels like there's no one to whom I can go to for my problems."

"But I'm right here Daniel. Right in front of you....waiting for you to at least have time so that we can have a decent conversation. Can't you see it?"

"I don't see it okay, I don't see the reason of trying or talking to you about it. I don't know why but it's just that I'm tiered...........I'm so tiered" he removed his hands from my shoulder, stepping back he kept on repeating that he's tiered.

"....I'm.....I'm tiered of you." He looked at me with tears evident in his eyes. He looked so vulnerable yet it was my heart shattered all over the place.

"You're tiered of me?" I repeated his words trying to make out if that's what it means. He's saying What I think he is. I blinked a few times, taking deep breathes.....so close....to crying.

I looked up to him, trying to find out any trace of lie or dishonesty but nothing.

"Katherine , I'm not sure right now. I still love you but that's just not enough anymore." he completed his sentence through tears streaming down his face.

My chest suddenly had a push of millions of stones thrown on it, the heart sank deeper and the walls started to build inside me. The guy who made me believe in something like destiny is now doubting the fact of us being meant to be or not.....

I turned my back towards him "I'm not going to ask you Why isn't it enough. That's not something I want to know about, at this moment. You told me once that there will never be a day when I wouldn't be enough for you. Guess you were wrong, I've tried everything that was possible and
Knowing you was the best part of my life yet the most painful. Daniel moving on is not an option for me but giving you everything you've wished for is kinda important for me. The minute, my foot cross that door, we're done." My hands started shaking uncontrollably, I took a glance at him.....he looked defeated but this is what he wants...his eyes held the determination and no matter how much it hurts,I love him more, want him more....by every second without noticing that it will become my reason of agony.