All Just Words

GOODBYES

"He did nothing to them. Nothing. Yet he was the one that got caught in this mess. It should have been me" I mumbled arms readying on my knees and face buried in my hair as I began to tug on it, focusing to only on the all to familiar off green Lino flooring, with the same disinfectant smell.

"Don't say that" Charlie said softly, placing her arms around me.

"It's true he did nothing to them. It's because of her that he got all wrapped up in this mess" I spat. "Now look at him" I said walking over to the window. I stood there and watched as they tried to keep Alex alive, placing all sorts of wires and tubes into him, whilst he just laid there oblivious and unconscious to everything. I looked away again thinking about how it must have felt when he was in my position. The tables really have turned. I walked blankly back over to my seat. Charlie hadn't moved, she just looked the same as she has been for the past 2 hours. The same emotionless expression.

Emily is curled up on the chair next to Noah asleep, who is rubbing her head, looking down at her. That child should not be brought up in a world like this. One that is full of pain and suffering. They should be able to have a carefree life and not be having to live in fear of tomorrow.

"Noah, why don't you take Emily home? She doesn't need any of this extra stress" I said flatly. Noah said nothing, he just shook his head.

Aiden has gone off to get some air. All of this seems to be getting to him.

None of these people deserved any of this. If it wasn't because of me, none of them would be sitting here right now. I should have never retaliated, I should have just put up with it and then just left when I had the chance.

"But then you would have never met us, never met me!" Charlie smiled, though it was a broken one.

"Did I say that out loud?" I asked.

"Yeah. But just think about how your life would have been without this. Yes it would be better because we wouldn't be sitting here thinking and worrying about Alex. But just think you would have never found Aiden again, nor would you have come back into contact with your mum, and I would still be the same bitchy, stuck up twat that I used to be. And what good did that do me?" She said trying to lighten the mood. I don't deserve her. I held on to her as tight as I could, without hurting her, she did the same to me. "I'm so proud of you, you know that. You are one of the most selfless people, I have ever met. Look at the people around you." I did as she said. "None of us would be here, together, if it wasn't for you" she placed her head on my chest, and mine on top of her head and we waited...and waited...and waited.

There was a moment of silence before the door to Alex's room opened, and Charlie released her grip on me slightly to see who came out.

It opened slowly and only one person came out. I turned back around not wanting to see their facial expression. I was looking at Noah who now had full attention to the person standing behind me. I closed my eyes praying to every person out there that everything is ok and that I will be able to see Alex another day. I began to go back into the depths of my long term memory, flicking through each one, remembering of times that were better than this. Even the day when he left, if knew then what I knew now I would have enjoyed life back then a whole lot more. I then moved on to the time when we Alex sabotaged my presentation for history, or the time when he first introduced me to batman and forced me to watch all the films, every single one, back to back and refused to let me go home until I did.

I was disrupted, when a hand was placed on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and followed hand up to its owner. For a second I thought I saw his face. Smiling, full of colour, full of life. A great wave of relief rushed over me, I turned around a hugged him. I felt every part of my body shake with happiness. "Alex?" I whispered.

I waited for a response....

There wasn't one.

So I asked again.

And again.

And again.

"Nathan" I heard a voice that was not him. I look up anxiously hoping that my mind is playing tricks on me.

Aiden.

It was that moment that my world started crumbling at my feet and there was nothing that I could do stop it. Everything that ever made sense, everything that I ever knew was now being stripped away from me. I've never felt so alone in a room full of people in my entire life.

I refuse to believe it. So I ran. Ignoring everything around me, every person, every sound. I just kept running. I keep seeing him, standing at the end of the corridor, looking out through a window, running along beside me instructing me where to go. So, I found myself back at the park where everything began. Where I became us. The place where I met one of my closest companions, my partner in crime, my friend.

"Alex" I said "You said you wouldn't leave me!"

And that's exactly what he did.

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The service was small and simple. Alex's family didn't say much. To be honest nobody really did. It just seemed to be a array of black clothes and pale faces, struggling to hold back the grief. His family is all the same, just like him. Not one to show negativity. His sister took it the hardest. Her tears flowed steadily, but silently down her cheeks and she did nothing to stop them because she know she couldn't.  Alex's sister wasn't known that much by anyone. She was a lot older than Alex so being the typical older sister she was never really spent time with us. She was a recluse, yet he would always be there when she needed him. She told us that she feels as if she has been punched in the gut and can't help but feel guilty for not being there as much as he was for her.  His Mother, who also like one to me, spoke about how thankful she is on behalf of Alex for befriending me all those years ago and that she couldn't have asked for a better person for her son, and yes she even spoke about the time when Alex threw ice water over me in the middle of winter, he got in so much trouble for that but I remember his mum couldn't wipe that smile of her face whilst doing so.

As we finally laid the mahogany box down in the earth and everyone was beginning to mumble and leave the service, there stood us. Those who saw everything, who watched him suffer in his final moments. Each of us was waiting for someone to say something.

"You alright mate?" Noah asked tentatively, yet cautiously, trying to break the solemn but comfortable silence which lies between us. I nodded keeping my head down and my eyes focused on the hint of gold glistening.
In loving memory of
Alexander Henry Walker
Died aged 21

"Come on Hun, let's give them some space" Emily said clearly pulling at Noah.

"I'm going to errr..." Aiden trailed off, his soft footsteps following suit after Emily and Noah.

"Charlie stay" She did not protest. She immediately came to my side as usual snaking her arm around my frame and I did the same to her, pulling her closer. She is the last haven, the last light I have left. "You're not going anywhere right?"  Charlie didn't have to say anything to know what she was saying her slowly resting her head on my shoulder was enough.

"You're not going to forget are you?"

"Never"

Earth to earth
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
In sure and certain hope of the resurrection in to eternal life....