Charade

Vic

Lily flopped down on the couch with her perpetual frown plastered across her face. With her unflinching glare and crossed arms, I knew she didn't want to be here. I knew she wanted to bury herself in charcoal and paper until she went to school the next morning, but I didn't care. I had to know.

"I bought some your favourite lollies," I said, grabbing the first movie off the pile on the coffee table. "The pythons, remember? The ones we used to get after your basketball games."

I glanced at her, looking for any trace of nostalgia, but all I got was a death stare and the silent treatment. I swallowed down my disappointment and instead squatted down to the DVD player. The first movie off the pile was Along Came a Spider, one of Lily's favourites. I almost smiled as I remembered the night we first watched it, how she gripped my arm tightly with her little hands, how I was worried that it might be too much for a ten year old, and how I laughed at the end when she begged me to play it again.

"Remember this?" I asked, turning around to show her the DVD cover. "After we first watched it, you told me that meeting Morgan Freeman was the first thing on your list of things you want to do before you die."

"Yeah, well, I guess I'd better get it to it fast then, hey?" She said casually, eyes focused on something else.

I paused, unable to think of what to say, and instead just slid the disc into the player wordlessly.

After the catastrophe known as our last movie night, I decided to try again. That night at cinema, Lily had been so close to telling me what had been eating at her. It was only by bad luck that she didn't say it. I thought maybe, just maybe, I might be able to get it out of her tonight.

I pushed myself off the ground with a grunt and flicked off the lights, letting the room plunge into black and blue. I sat beside Lily, feeling the distance between us as heavily as I would if we were in different states, and then pressed play on the DVD.

We sat in silence as the sound of two voices, almost like a radio, murmured into the thick air. The TV flashed blue and green, showing the names and companies involved with the production of the film. I leaned back in the worn, sagging couch with Lily at my side. The darkness ate up everything except the flash of the TV, highlighting Lily's sunken cheeks. I sighed. Please, please work, I begged.

I tried to think of something to say, some way to approach the subject lightly, but when it came to difficult topics I was used to being quite blunt about them. State the problem, hear her side, find a solution. But this was different. I couldn't just come out with it the way I usually would.

"So," I said awkwardly, "how's school?"

"Fantastic," Lily replied sarcastically.

"No, I'm being serious. How is it? Is high school different to how you imagined?"

"It's fine," she said shortly.

We fell silent again, watching the names of the people come down onto the screen on the ends of spider webs, and pretended to watch when really, it was about as comfortable as a hostage situation.

"What about Mum?" I tried again. "Is she well?"

"Like you care."

"I do care, Lil."

"No you don't. If you cared we wouldn't be here."

"What do you mean, Lily? Where would we be?"

Lily's eyes met mine fiercely, telling me the answer was obvious.

"Home," she said quietly.

I fell silent once more, unable to think of something – anything – to say. I wondered if Lily blamed me for the divorce, if Anna had told her it was my doing and not her affair with my boss. The idea infuriated me.

"I don't want to talk. I just want to watch the movie." She said bluntly, eyes going back to the screen.

"I just want to know how you are, Lily. That's all."

"Dying," she snapped. "That's how I am. Now, just, let me watch the damn thing. You're the one who wanted to watch it so bad."

"You're not dying, Lily."

"Look, if this is about the other night at the cinema, I'm not telling you what's going on. Everything is under control. I'm dealing with the problem. And by the way, yes I am dying. You don't have to sugar-coat it."

"I just want to help, Lily. That's all I've ever wanted."

"Like fuck you have. If you really wanted to help, you would've just let me deal with it. But instead you keep trying to get in the way and make me into someone I'm not. I'm not your little girl anymore, Dad. I don't give a fuck about python lollies and old crime movies. I'm different now. I've grown up. You know what? Fuck this. I'm going to Mum's."

Lily jumped off the couch and stormed across the room, heading for the front door.

"Please Lily, just wait a minute and let me explain." I begged, rising off the couch.

Lily flung around, roaring blue fire in those big eyes.

"I don't give a fuck about your – " Lily stopped and her face relaxed. Her eyes became unfocused. A drunken, almost dreamy look washed over her and her knees began to buckle under her weight.

"Lily?" I asked softly.

Her skinny legs fell out from under her and she collapsed to the ground like a marionette, hitting it with a thud.

"Lily!" I screamed, running and falling to the ground with her. I pulled her to my chest, her eyes shut and flesh pale, and shook her.

"Lily? Lily, wake up. Lily!"

My heart beat furiously in my chest, pounding in my ears, and I scooped her into my arms and lifted her like a feather. Carefully, I placed her on the couch, repeating her name over and over as panic filled my eyes with tears. I fumbled around my pocket and pulled out my old flip phone. With one hand pressing the phone to my ear while the other cupped her lifeless face, I listened to the endless loop of ringing, carrying on inside my head as I stared into the blank face of my little girl.

And by the way, yes I am dying. You don't have to sugar-coat it for me.

Her words echoed inside my head and blended with the endless ringing. I am dying, I am dying, I am dying. I heard it over and over as I felt her lifeless body in my arms.

"Please," I cried, clutching her hand in mine.

But the only pulse I felt was my own.

© A.G. Travers 2015