Charade

Vic

A week passed, then two. Benjamin never returned. I'd stuffed his few belongings into his blue backpack, in case he came looking for them, but mostly it just collected dust.

Lily had curled into a ball and stayed under the covers, hiding away from the world. She didn't go to school anymore. Her muscles were too weak to move her much further than the bathroom. Rashes had spread and bruises had stayed. Her eyes missed the twinkle – the shine – that once made her who she was. She had given up.

My work turned into my life. I was running on an hour of sleep and fourteen coffees a day. Energy drink cans were piling up on my desk. I didn't care. I was too close to the second million to stop now. But every time I got close to it, something happened. Someone cancelled their stolen credit card. Someone dropped out of a deal. An endless stream of hopelessness.

Then one day I got up out of bed and went to the front door to collect the mail. A strange yellow envelope lay among the bills and subscriptions with blocky handwriting I couldn't quite place. Inside, money. Lots and lots of money. A sheet of lined paper also lay inside, filled out with the same handwriting.

Vic

I could go on and swear to god that I didn't touch Lily, but it seems kind of pointless. So the truth is that Lily fancied me and tried to kiss me, but I pushed her off because I didn't feel the same. She's only a kid. Even if I did like her, it would be gross. And yeah, she thinks she loves me, but she doesn't. She's just lonely, like the rest of us sorry bastards.

I told her not to tell you because I thought you'd kill me. Turns out I was right. But it's also a bit because I really liked hanging out with you and stuff. I didn't want to fuck it up.

My sister said that I should give you this to show that I'm not a total asshole. It's not my money; it's hers. She let me borrow it. But it's all there. The rest of the money for Lily's surgery. This is what's most important to you – saving your kid. I always admired that. If I was dying, the only thing my parents would care about was the turn out of my funeral and what everyone thought of the service. They wouldn't give a shit about me. But Lily is everything to you, and I know she's not great at showing it, but she cares about you, too. She even cried to me about how selfish she felt when I told her about the scams. She loves you, Vic. But she's too much like you. Doesn't know how to show it.

Be good to her. Love her. Be patient. She's a good kid, deep down. She's just been hurt one too many times. But she'll come through. And I know that you want her to have a long and happy life, so hopefully this money will help with that. And I'm not giving you this to blow wind up my own ass, if you know what I mean. It's not my way of saying 'oh I'm so great for giving so much money, blah, blah, blah', it's just me trying to help. Except for my sister, you's were the only ones who ever helped me. So I kind of owe it to you.

But I do have one thing to ask.

When you take this money and Lily gets better, don't waste it. I mean, I know you won't, but really, don't take anything for granted. Family is everything. And when you guys fight or whatever, appreciate that you're both alive and you can fight. Appreciate everything. I did.

And this bit is for Lily:

Hey, Lil. Yeah, you fucked up. But it's okay, because Vic will probably never let you see this. But in case you do, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on. I was just trying to help you see that you're worth something and that you don't need people telling you otherwise. I wasn't lying when I said that you were everything, if only to a few people. You are. And this money isn't just for you, because your existence is linked with Vic's, your mother's, your friends'. Everybody you've ever met. So if you die, so do they. So don't be selfish. Suck it up and get better. There's more to life then sad drawings and assholes.

Go outside and smell the fresh air. Look at things. Watch the sunlight in the treetops. Listen to birds and music and rain. This is what it means to be alive. Lily, please, just be alive. You're not the only one who depends on your survival. And hug your dad, for fuck's sake. Poor bastard is going through hell, just like you. So don't be a bitch.

Okay, that's all.

Benji.

The letter trembled. I frowned. Why were my hands shaking?

Lily's door opened and she trotted down the hall.

"Dad?" I glanced up at her. "What's that?"

I looked down at the letter.

"Lily," I said. "Tell me what happened that night with Benjamin."

Lily frowned.

"I already told you."

"Tell me again." I snapped.

Lily's eyes fell to floor and she offered a nervous gulp.

"You lied," I whispered.

"No," she retorted. "I didn't. Look, I told you. You went out to the shops and Benji started acting weirdly. He grabbed me by the waist; kissed me, and I tried to push him off but he wouldn't listen. When it was over, he said that if I told you, he'd kill you and me."

I held the letter up and read Benjamin's words again.

The truth is that Lily fancied me and tried to kiss me, but I pushed her off because I didn't feel the same.

"You're lying."

"No I'm not," she snapped.

"You said that he threatened to dob me in to police, not kill me. You lied. And you loved him, and he didn't love you back, so you made up this story to make him leave. Admit it, Lily. Tell me the truth!"

"He led me on!" She screamed.

My jaw clenched shut and Lily bit her lip. I let the anger boil inside me as I waited for her to continue.

"He made me think that he loved me and then he pushed me away, like everybody else. As far as I'm concerned, he deserved what he got."

"He was trying to help you," I told her.

"Why does everyone keep saying that? He was trying to help you, she was trying to be friends with you, he was trying to share with you, fucking blah, blah, blah."

"Look at this," I said, holding up the money. "One hundred thousand dollars. Benji borrowed this off his sister to give to us, so you could have the operation and live."

Lily frowned.

"He did what?"

"Come here," I demanded. "Read this."

Lily took the letter and ran her eyes over the lines. Slowly, I watched her hard expression turn soft and her angry eyes turn glassy.

"Why do you do this?" I asked her quietly. "Play games like this? You toy with everyone's emotions like they're there for your own personal entertainment. I know you do it. I've seen you do it. But I ignored it because I couldn't deal with your emotional issues and your physical issues at the same time. I always thought that if I could make you better, your attitude would change too. But now I see things for what they are. You need to know that you are loved, Lily, and being loved is not a right, it is a privilege."

"I know that," she cried.

"Do you?" I retorted. "Because I don't think you do. I think you love having everyone chase after you, doing everything for you, and not doing anything in return. I think... I think you're selfish."

Lily's big blue eyes echoed the storm inside her, twinkling with devastation. Maybe I should've felt guilty about saying that to her, or at least about how I made her feel, but I didn't. There was a hollowness about me now, because all the patience had been scraped out.

Lily saw my cold centre and the despair in her eyes peeled away. Furious, she tore the letter in half, scrunched it up into a ball, and threw it. Then, like a child, she stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door in my face.

© A.G. Travers 2015