The Unspoken Words.

Remember

To all of those who I thought were my friends.
Fuck you.

Remember when I came to your house so we could all go to swing.
And I had to basically babysit a girl to young to be drunk in the first place.
But I aint judging because she got 2 hands,
One on a glass and a bottle.
And that's between her and Grey Goose.

That wasn't the first or last time I felt alone in a group of people.

I remember walking 2 hours to get home,
At night,
Past a police station,
In a white neighborhood,
With my heart beating so fast it could break through my body,
My black body.

They said it was okay to be late.
They'ed wait for me.
Only for me to get to an empty house that I sat outside of for over an hour.
Even though they said I could sit inside with their parents till everybody got back.
All because I was alone in another group.
Aint that some BS.

Remember when I skipped school for the first time,
Because you needed me,
To go to your house,
To collect your ex-boyfriends shit(which turned out to be a couple P.F. t-shirts)
So you could leave them at his front steps,
Even though at times he was a better friend to me than you were.
I listened to you complain about him.
And gave you all the old black woman wisdom you asked for.
But when I opened my mouth to tell you,
How it was getting harder and harder to breathe,
That my life seemed like more of a mistake than a miracle.
That I was just the 16 year old consequence of my mama's bad decisions.
And all of sudden you became to busy for me.
So I never even got to get the words out.

Remember when me, you, and the lovable bum that lives on my couch,
Decided we would all go to swing each other.
So we made a plan.
I was to go to colorguard practice.
You would come to my house first to get her,
Then to the school to get me,
And then to swing to get ours.
And I waited,
For about an hour,
Dressed cute,
With a fake smile,
And a dying hope.
Watching people come and go.
Seeing pity in the eyes of the girl who's worried about me being alone.
Offers to take me cause she's going anyway.
But I said "No. It's okay. I'm just gonna go home".
Cry the entire walk there.
We never talked about my missed calls and unanswered texts.
In fact we never talked about it at all.
But I know you came to my house to get the lovable bum,
And drove right pass me.
But I dismissed it because you've been more to me than most,
Being a body when I needed a shoulder.
So one fuck up aint gone kill us.

Remember when you asked me to be your girlfriend.
And I more than happy and willing said yes.
Remember how you changed.
How you grew distant.
How I begged you to kiss me.
How you made me feel ugly.
Remember how you broke up with me not even 2 weeks later.
Saying you're not in a good place right now.
And how I respected it even though it hurt so much.
And if you of all people couldn't love me who will.
Remember how I forgave you.
Remember how 6 month later you'd been ignoring me,
And I confronted you.
And you told me we weren't compatible as friends anymore.
And I cried and cried.
Knowing you couldn't see my tears through the phone,
Acted strong.
Let you go.

I remember when I lost someone who had been there,
For 3 years,
Through thick and thin,
Through letting me stay with her when my mama kicked me out,
Through when I was on my kitchen floor crying,
Through my first Thanksgiving from home,
Through me wrapping some sort of deliciousness in banana leaves,
While cooking with her family.
Through her falling out with the only other substantial person in my life,
Through my pain.
And through hers
I hope.

Honestly I don't know how to end this poem,
This rant,
This tragic love story.
Things always have to end.
This I have learned.
Apparently I'm just the only one who ever cares.

P.S.
To those of which that can just kinda hear themselves in this.
I probably never told you how much you hurt me.
But you probably don't even really remember.
But I know I'll never forget.