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(a convo between me and a family member. im sharing this because im sure that it represent some of what you guys feel/felt in a past relationship)
family member- "you've changed over the past few months... you used to be so happy"
me- "...its not my fault i was heart broken by someone who didnt even think to talk to me, and just decided to leave me. Its not my fault that i wasnt good enough. its not my fault his emotions got in the way. its not my fault that..."
family member- "i guess nothing is your fault then?"
me- "i dont know anymore tbh..."
family member- "i see... you just need to get over him"
me- "iTS NOT THAT EASY DAMN IT! IM SICK OF PEOPLE SAYING THAT LIKE GOD DAMN! WHEN YOU LOVED SOMEONE AS MUCH AS I LOVED HIM ITS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND THE THING IS
I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
NO MATTER WHAT I SAY
WHAT I DO
WHAT I THINK
WHAT HAPPENS
IT WONT CHANCE A THING
I WISH IT WOULD BUT THAT GUY DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE
HE MOVED ON SO FAST
ITS LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED! I TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE HIM STAY BUT IT DIDNT WORK
I CANT ESCAPE HIM HES EVERY WHERE
MY FRIENDS ITS ALMOST LIKE THEY DONT CARE ANYMORE
I WANT IT TO END
THE THOUGHTS
THE EMOTIONS
THE FACTS
EVERYTHING"
family member- "...jamie you need to calm down... ik it hurts but you just need to calm"
me- "i CANT.... YOu KnOW tHat moment when you havent seen someone in so long that you can't picture their face anymore... i cant picture it anymore
and now its like im permanently broken
i dont know how to write
i dont know how to talk,
to breathe,
to... live...
people would say its a stupid thing to cry about but, until they go through the same thing, they'll never understand"
family member- "... i... you've been holding that in for awhile... havent you?"
me- "yeah... its a little too late for it..."
family member- "at least you let it out"
me- "yeah..." *hides all the things that i still want to say bc i cant say anything else* "at least i did..."
family member- "do you ever wish you could go back?"
me- "yeah... more than i like to but it just wont happen because as i said he doesn't like me like that anymore and my life is just a train wreck"
family member- "do you think he'll want to go back to you?"
me- "...idk anymore"
family member- "oh... how did he make you so happy, anyways?"
me-
family member- "jamie?"
me- "... he made me feel like I belonged in this world. he loved me for me. like through all of my imperfections he someone saw past those and only focused on who i was. he made me feel happy about my body, and personality. for once in my life i felt like i actually found someone who wouldnt judge me for who i was. the saying "all good things come to an end" is something that i alway remember. he was something good... correction amazing in my life so it just came to an end."
family member- "would you ever tell him that? like would you in this moment ever text him/tell him what he did to you and tell him how you felt?"
me- i would if i could. i feel like he wouldnt listen. he would just respond with a "hey" or a "ok." and knowing me, i'd say something that would just make him feel bad... and i cant stand to do that. so i just keep my mouth shut.
family member- "do you think you'd go back to him?"
me- "...idk my mom says its a bad idea because im ""setting myself up for heart break"" and my friends say the same thing. if i did i'd get shamed by everyone including my friends, family and probably my haters. but he made me the happiest person on earth."
family member- "well if you did get back together you probably dont have to tell anyone, just your parents, and just keep it a secret to the public."
me- "yeah that might work but what are the odds of that?"
family member- "true... how long do you think, as of right now, until you find someone else?"
me- "...never..."
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