i remember the words you told me, youd love me till the day i'd die. i surrendered everything cause you made me believe your mine. remember when you told me youd never leave me, that i was the one? i've been reflecting everything we've ever done. its such a shame.
we'd hold on to each other like there was no tomorrow. we'd kiss like it was our last time. we'd hug as if we were never going to see each other ever again. we'd always talk as if we'd ever talk again.
now, its like it never happened. you've moved on thinking about other girls, and im still stuck on you. i tried to move on by dating and seeing other guys, it hasnt worked. i'll never be able to love someone as much as i loved you. and it kills me inside. i hide that i havent moved on from you because i know it wont change anything. damn, i never realized how much i miss you. except, i dont miss you. i miss the old you.
i miss the past, how it was before. i miss the misery and the beauty of our love. its in the past and i can never go back. it bugs me.
it also bugs me how he thinks its okay to talk about girls he likes with me. his ex. what the fuck goes on in his mind? it just makes me realise that he doesnt care about me anymore, or at least, doesnt love me. damn. it still wont stop me from helping him though. i've given him advice and helped him. i give, and he takes. i dont get anything in return most of the time. i want to vent to him so badly but he wouldnt say anything to help. its fine. my love for him was bulletproof, yet he was the one who shot me. he used to call me baby, but now he calls me by name. we dont talk the way we used to. theres nothing to do but scream at the drunken moon and hope for something to change.
heres the thing, i feel as if i have moved on, but i havent at the same time. i dont know if that makes sense at all. i've been feeling so lonely recently and all i can do is reflect on past relationships. some real, some not. i got rejected by this one guy when i asked him to semi, it hurt. not like i couldnt go anyways because ya know (suspension lmfao). it still hurt.
i dont know, maybe im just over thinking. i still am lonely though, cant doubt that. bitches be trippin and playin with my emotions. its not okay. like, it would be great if youd just be honest with me and tell me how you actually feel so i won't second guess and over think. but thats not how this shit works, apparently. they just give me half-assed excuses or answers like bitch, dont try me.
im hoping and praying that something will change. i'll find someone who will love, care for, and support me. someone to distract me from everything, but something real. he'll be nice, caring, cute and hella funny. someone who is interesting, and will keep a conversation without talking about sex 24/7.
im not a hot girl. not at all. i probably wont take your breath away, turn you on, or impress your friends with the way i look but i can make you laugh. i can make you feel wanted, i will care about you and sometimes i can be hella cute. i really wish that i could be enough. just once.
August 29th
11:40 p.m
thoughts
