"How the hell did you ever pick me?
Honestly, I could sing you a song
But I don't think words could express your beauty"
-If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepbun, Sleeping With Sirens
-
The funeral for Taylin was about a week later. It was a lot sadder than I thought, I dressed simply but nicely since I would have to say a few words about her.
A black button up, black blazer, red tie and black skinny jeans. On my feet I wore black Chuck Taylors. I got ready with Jacelynne at her house, where the rest of her clothes are.
I take a minute infront of the mirror, adjusting my black and blue bangs.
Dear god Josh! Have you seen your body? You're fat.
I break down into tears on the ground. "It's true" I whimper, I position my keys on my wrist but don't have time to do anything because Jacelynne bolts through the door. She slaps the keys out of my hands and I allow myself to fold into her.
"Josh, I heard the cries. Are you okay?" She asks me, her eyes burning into mine.
"Yeah" I snap, standing up. She walks out of the room, grabbing my keys on the way out. When I look back in the mirror I see my face, my blue eyes are sad and my eyes are puffy and red, matching my nose.
Sniffling back the tears I grab an eyeliner pen, applying the makeup to my face.
"Ready" I breathe, Taylin stands at her door. Struggling with the dress zipper. I help her and when she turns around I have to look away.
"It's... It's Taylin's" she stammers. "Or... Was"
"You look beautiful" I grimace.
"It's too much, I have to change"
"Don't" I say softly.
"I have to"
"Don't" I repeat with more force.
"Josh-"
"HELL TAYLIN JUST STOP OKAY?" I scream.
"Josh-"
"Jacelynne. I meant Jacelynne. You look fine. Let's go."
I didn't really know how to feel. I feel bad for mixing up the names, and for yelling.
"I'm sorry T- Jacelynne, your dress caught me off guard" I grip the steering wheel harder.
"I'm sorry"
"DON'T APOLOGIZE JACELYNNE"
"Oh..."
We pull up to the venue. Jacelynne gets out and straightens her dress, it's a black halter dress that reaches her knees, she paired it with black heels and tyed her hair up with silver clips. She looks beautiful but Taylin wore that dress for lunch one day.
The ceremony was short, pictures of Taylin. Taylin and Jacelynne, Taylin and I and pictures of all three of us.
I turn to face the small crowd gathered; Jacelynne, three people I recognize from the wedding and an elderly woman.
I step up to the podium. Everyone sits down, filling up the 5 chairs in the room.
"Hello everyone, now I'm Josh Ramsay. Taylin's- friend. Anyways, I'm here to talk about her.
Taylin was a beautiful girl who-" I pause. Jacelynne looks up at me. "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I need to tell you the truth, Taylin is gorgeous, she died because she had a drug addiction, she self harmed and she died from an overdose of pills. I found her dead on her way to rehab with her younger sister Jacelynne. Of course she was never going to go. She's gone now, but her sister is here, her sister is lost without her and now she's gone. She left me with a KID and I don't know what to do. I can't raise a kid, Jacelynne is going to rehab after this. She knows that too, she doesn't know what to expect and neither do I. She's going to get better and she's going to grow up. And me? I don't know about me. I have problems too but I'm not going to rehab." I pause to take a breath "Taylin will live on forever in our hearts but she wouldn't want us to dwell on her death. She'd want us to do what she loved, to dance."
Inside Out by Andrew Austin began to play and I pull Jacelynne out of her seat, holding her close. We spun in slow circles and when the song ended a few others followed it. When the ceremony was over all drove to Cemetary where Jacelynne was presented with Taylin's urn.
"Josh" Jacelynne whimpers.
"Yes?"
"When you play your first show, when you get better please play that song, Beside You. Release her ashes in the wind, it's what she would have wanted"
I nod, and we hug. Just standing there, holding eachother.
