Voices in My Head

Chapter 1: Alone

It's raining. The sky was darkened with black clouds. Raindrops hit the windows. I watch it fall in a steady rhythm.

The sky is the opposite of me. It cries externally. I cry internally.

But most of the time I'm too numb to cry. I wonder what would happen if I just went into an eternal sleep. Will anything change?

Most likely not. For the people that seem to study history, they certainly don't learn from it. People still fight in wars, still fight over things, and still make the same mistakes. The only thing that changed is the growth of civilizations and advancement of technology. But the goal is the same. Control. Power. Greed. Selfishness. Suffering. Those things haven't change.

People like to put excuses on the many injustices that occur in the world. They like to make something horrible into something nice if it is for their own benefit. No matter how pretty you make something sound, you can't change how horrible it really is.

What's the point of living in such a world? In which people kill others to be on top. In which people terrorize others to be feared. In which people hurt others so they can feel good about themselves.

I've been told that I think too much. I analyze things too much. But I can't help it.

Memories flash in my mind. All the insults, the kicks, the blows. All the cuts, the bruises, the blood.

I read somewhere that broken glass can never be the same again. You can try to repair it, but it will never be completely whole again. It will still have its cracks.

"Hey, nerd!" I was taken out of my trance. I jerk my head to towards the voice. The school's bully. As if that was a title to be proud of. Maybe it is. I don't understand how things works.

I don't answer. I never do. Talking only provokes them so I learned to shut my mouth.

"What's depression, freak?" he asked with a cocky smile before leaving to join his buddies.

Was that some kind of insult? I do not understand. But unlike the other times, I actually ponder this.

Depression.

It's like trying to wake up from a nightmare only to realize that the nightmares are reality. It's your life. Hope and dreams seems to only be a fantasy, something out of reach.

It's like drowning under 50 feet in the ocean and trying to claw your way up to the surface. And when you are closer to the surface, there's a wall blocking you. And no matter how hard you pound that wall, you can't break it. So you fall deeper and deeper into the abyss.

It's like being locked up in a room with no lights and no windows. You can't see anything. You can't see your hands that are right in front of your face. Let alone find the way out. So you are stuck in the dark.

And when there's someone who wants to help, who is holding their hand out to you, you turn them away.

You let pain and sorrow envelope you and break your heart into more pieces. You are always in the dark, in the cold, shunning the light and its warmth. You have nothing left so you just give up.

You can continue living until you fade out of existence. Or you can just end it all right then and there. Or you can try to get your life back on track. But sometimes, you can't do it at all.

And you are left with a ripped up heart and broken wings.