Voices in My Head

Chapter 14: Confrontation

The house was empty when I returned.

I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. Today was tiring and stressful. Len and now Noah...it's too overwhelming.

I wiped my face with a towel.

I no longer felt numb. Instead, my emotions were threatening to explode, a tangle of chaotic mess.

Everything is spiraling out of control. I felt like a mouse surrounded by a bunch of hungry cats. Everyone judging me, watching me, waiting for me to fall, waiting for me to crack.

I couldn't take it anymore. I felt pushed up into a corner, on the brink of insanity. My head was killing me. My heart was heavy. I was sweating but freezing at the same time. My vision was fuzzy, black dots appeared.

In a blur of motions (why can't my hands stop shaking?), I managed to grab a razor. I pushed my sleeve up, faint lines greeting me.

The images of Oliver appeared. Even if he was afraid of me, he still accepted me, still treated me with kindness. Images of Arthur, who didn't show an ounce of disgust towards me. Images of them treating me like I was human, not a monster.

Why are these images suddenly appearing? Why now?

I set the razor against the skin and felt myself trembling.

Why was I so scared? I did this before. This was how I cope. When I can't control anything, this was my one release.

So why can't I do it?

I yelled out in frustration, throwing the razor against the wall. I sank down to the floor, crying shamefully, disgusted at myself.

I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself, but it wasn't doing any good. It had the opposite effect, increasing my frenzied mind state.

Why isn't anything working out? Why can't I be numb? Why is it so hard to be destroy my emotions?

I laugh bitterly, evident of the hollowed shell I am.

Guess the childish side of me, the deprived side still want human companionship, still want that useless thing called friends.

"Aww, so this is what little raven has finally been reduced to. Can't even do anything. Is it because you're getting soft towards Olly and his lil bro?"

I sharply looked up and saw Raiden's reflection in the mirror.

"What do you want?" My passive-aggressive guarded voice contrasted to his full on aggressive teasing voice.

"Nothing. Just wanted to know about what happened to your vow of never getting close to people."

"I made that vow because I didn't want people getting hurt because of you."

"Now, now, stop putting all the blame on me."

"I'm stating the facts. You're the one who keeps getting me in trouble all the time."

"It's not my fault you're so boring. I need to have something entertaining to do."

"It's not my fault that you are a bloodthirsty monster who can't keep his temper in check!"

Raiden glared at me. And I didn't care. My emotions were controlling me. My mind was foggy and hazed. I couldn't think straight. I was breathing heavily, but it felt good to get everything out of my system.

"Well, at least I'm not a cutting freak." He didn't say that in a loud voice, just quietly, and that hurt more.

I clenched my fists. "I wasn't the one forced to join a gang."

Raiden kept silent, just continued to glare at me.

"Why were you forced anyway?"

Raiden clenched his teeth but said nothing.

"Why did you lie to me and say you joined out of your own free will?"

"I don't have to answer you. You don't order me around."

My eyes grew wide as I felt pain ripping through my head. I clutch the sink in support. Raiden was forcing his way out.

He was trying to force me into that little corner in the back of our mind.

I tried to fight against him but I was too weak, the pain was too much.

I lost. And now a monster was released because of me.