I can not sleep.
My bed is plenty comfortable, but I mine as well be lying on broken glass and metal shards, for I'm not dozing off a bit.
I turn to my side to look at my alarm clock's digital red face.
2:29 AM.
I read once if you cover your clock it will help you sleep better, but honestly that sounds false. And how would I ever know the time if my clock was covered?
I know that when morning comes, forcing me awake on a Sunday for required unoptional formal mass I'll cry and curse past me for staying up so late, but I can not dwell on my future self and the price he will have to pay. Mum always said to live in the now, not the then or if and I try to follow her guidelines.
I toss around a bit more, thankful I don't have a roommate, and grab my phone. I also read somewhere that phones are bad when you want to sleep because of the light emitting from it, but I don't care anymore.
I take my earphones from my nightstand and plug them into my earphone jack on my phone, then put the tiny little bulbs in my ears.
I scroll to my 'Neutral Milk Hotel' playlist and press on 'Holland 1945'. It's my new favorite song. I had recently fallen in love with this band and as the song began I closed my eyes.
If only we could forever lie in our beds, listening to our favorite bands on repeat, with warm cats curled up sleeping at our feet. With familiar scents surrounding us and familiar faces kissing our noses warming our cheeks.
If only we didn't have to see our loved ones leave or move on or die. If only they could stay with us forever, planting flowers next to our hearts.
If only we could choose when we died, as not to upset others with our deadly actions. If only we could choose at 19 or 90 when we wanted to flip the switch, kick the bucket.
I think about death so much it feels more like a memory. I'm afraid if I keep thinking I'll cry or hurt myself.
I grab an old receipt of something I bought that was probably useless and cover my alarm clock with it. I fall asleep about ten minutes later.
