Falling Colors

Chapter Five: Macaroni and Cheese to Celebrate

The drive home was filled with my dad’s talking and my ignoring him.  He chatted away as if I were listening to all the stories he was relaying to me. 

       Ten minutes later we were on our driveway sitting in the car, the engine still running.  My father took deep breaths and rubbed his eyes tiredly.  I snuck a look at him through the corner of my eye and saw heavy bags under his eyes.  The bright blue that was once the color of his eyes wasn’t so bright anymore; it was more a grayish blue color now. 

      Moving away from his eyes, I saw the scruffiness of his beard.  He hadn’t shaved in a few days and the stubble was gray with a mixture of dark brown.  His sideburns were now gray as well.  He hadn’t had any gray a few months ago. 

        “Did Dr. Jacks explain everything to you today?” he said sounding tired.  He kept his gaze trained out the windshield.  The engine was still running, but he didn’t make a move to turn it off.

      Giving him a shrug, the only form of communication I gave to anyone, I shifted my own gaze to look outside through the windshield.  The closed garage door was all I saw.  None of the magnificent hundred year old trees that decorated our property all over.  Just the garage. 

       “Okay.”  He rubbed his eyes again a little rougher this time then turned off the ignition.  Before opening the door to the car and getting out he paused. “You know I love you, right, Odette?”

      I opened my car door ignoring what he said to me and headed towards our house, and waited for him to unlock the house for me to enter.  He soon was slumping up the steps and unlocking the door. 

      Once the door was open, I pushed passed him and headed up to my bedroom to try and sleep away the headache that was on the edge of becoming a migraine.  I flopped onto my bed and closed my eyes, trying to think of something else besides the headache that was blinding all my senses. 

     

      I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know I’m opening my eyes to see my dad standing in my doorway watching me.  He had the same look on his face that he had been keeping since the incident. 

      Our eyes met and I quickly looked away feeling ashamed.  It wasn’t an uncommon feeling for me.  I was the reason my dad was so sad and so tired.  If everything had gone as planned maybe he wouldn’t worry as much all the time now.  Or at least I wouldn’t be here to witness it.  But nothing went as planned, everything had backfired and I wanted to change it oh so badly. 

     “Dinner is ready,” he mumbled.  “We’re having your favorite: Macaroni and cheese.  I figured since today was your last day with Dr. Jacks we could have a little celebration.”

      Staring at him blankly I got up from bed slowly.  My head was still fuzzy from sleep, but I still was thinking up snarky remarks I’d say to him if I could speak.

       This isn’t a celebration.  I just got booted out of one shrink’s care into another’s.  It’s not like I’m any better than I was four months ago, I thought to myself.

     Walking past my father out of my bedroom, I felt his hand brush against my arm as if he were trying to grab onto me.  I froze in my place, and felt the hairs on the back of my neck bristle.  There was nothing I hated more than people touching me. 

      Noticing my action, he withdrew his hand and put it back at his side mumbling an apology.  He knew I hated it when people touched me, but it didn’t seem to stop him sometimes.  It was as if he was trying to pull the daughter he once knew back to him.  The one who liked to be hugged and have their hair played with by others.  She was long gone though.  Never coming back.

     Making our way down the stairs then walking through the family room, we entered the kitchen.  Leigh was dumping macaroni and cheese onto plates and gave a welcoming smile when we entered.

      She was still in her work clothes.  Leigh worked as a sales representative for an electronics business in the town over.  She was constantly working from home calling potential clients and making sure shipments were going out.  A few times a week she’d actually go to her office and work from there and do some visiting of clients, making sure everything was in order. 

      It used to be that she was back here in Wilmer a few times a week and at the office the rest of the time, but now it was the other way around.  It had been this way for the past for months.  She was here for my dad and me, trying to do everything she could to comfort him, but nothing really seemed to be working.

       Sitting down at the dinner table, I waited for someone to bring my food over.  My dad gave me a look that read he wasn’t happy that I didn’t grab my own plate, but he said nothing.  Why bother yelling at someone who doesn’t even listen or answer you?  It was wasted breath.

      Leigh brought over her plate and mine, and my dad trailed after her with his own.  He sat in the head chair and Leigh sat in the chair next to him, which was also across from me.

      All through dinner I didn’t look up from my meal.  I kept my head down and ignored the small quiet conversation Leigh and my dad were having.  They had given up trying to include me in their dinner conversations months ago when they discovered I wouldn’t say anything no matter how much they spoke to me about anything.

       After dinner I went back up to my room and slept the rest of the night away.  My mind reeling with the same nightmares it had been having for months.  The nightmares that had me waking up in a cold sweat, heart rushing a mile a minute, and tears streaming freely down my face.  The nightmares were me reliving my reality.

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Dedicated to Mahrsy for always being supportive and leaving some of the best comments.  And being one of my best friends on and off line.