Falling Colors

Author's Note

   I was supposed to write this months ago, but I really couldn't find the words or the motivation or even just grasp the thought of why I really wrote this story.  It's such a complex story... well it was for me.  It was very hard to write and it took a lot of planning and digging and reflecting and connecting. 

        

       Depression has always been something I've had mixed feelings about.  I grew up in an environment where depression was just something "someone says they have for attention" or "they're not normal.  There's something wrong with them and they will always be like that. There's no getting better for them" or "they're just bored.  If they stopped being lazy they would be fine."  And I believed that's what was wrong with me.  That I just wanted attention, or I wasn't normal, there was no hope for me, and I was just bored and being lazy.  It's nothing like that. 

       For me, I hid my depression.  I never talked to anyone about it, not my parents, not my friends, not even strangers on the internet.  I didn't research it to see if there was anything I could do to make it better, I just let it stay there and get worse. 

       I hated the word depression, I didn't feel like I was worthy enough to be able to use the word depression because I wasn't self-harming and I wasn't talking to a therapist and I wasn't take medicine to make me better.  I was just sad and unmotivated and hating everything all the time. I still really don't like using the word depression, because I still don't feel like what I struggled with was really depression, but it was.  Denying it won't make it "not depression".  

       So for a long time I was on and off with my depression.  And when I decided to write this book, I was still struggling with it.  Not as bad as I was but it was still there.  I still had sleepless nights and a hard time not being angry with everything.  I wanted to write something where I could express what I was feeling and hope that someone would understand.   I wanted characters that were like me and worse and better.  I wanted every stage of depression to be shown.  And I think I did an okay job accomplishing that. 

      I've read a lot of fictional young adult/teen stories about suicide and depression, and honestly, I haven't liked many of them.  Yes, they were super enjoyable to read and it was a nice fairy tale ending, but it wasn't realistic.  It always ends up with someone saving the depressed.  Romance is not going to save you from depression, I promise.  It will help, but it won't save you.  

      So after reading so many stories like that, I was angry because I was like "This doesn't help me!  I'm not going to find a boy who will love me and I'll be all better.  Why would anyone publish this?  This is just going to make someone more depressed when they can't find someone to love them."  So I decided I needed to write a story that showed you don't need romance to get over depression.  I wanted it realistic, but still fictional and enjoyable to read. 

      Another thing I wanted to put into this story was the different views of depression.  I wanted someone who was left behind; and someone who lived with someone who was depressed and how they felt about depression; someone who had moved on from it; someone who did everything right but still ended badly; someone who's dreams were crushed because of the cruelty of people; and someone who just wanted someone to notice that she wasn't okay that she was hurting, someone to understand her. 

       It makes me extremely happy to see that people have connected with this story and I could do justice to how this feels.  It honestly didn't make me feel so alone anymore.  I'm also really happy to hear that a lot of readers have come to a better understanding of what depression is.  

      I hope you all know that there is hope for you and you can get better.

      Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story.  I hope it helps you in someway.  You all helped me with your comments and messages about the story, so thank you.       

Until next time, 

Kaila