My Roommates Brother

Not The Only One

Sorry it is so short and unedited. I wrote it in less than two hours and just had to share it with you guys. Sorry it is so short.

I sat on the floor for only god knows how long. I waited the tears to come but for some reason they were as stubborn as my heart. I replayed the story I had been told over and over again. Each time it would become a little more graphic than the time before.

Alex had not only carried this emotional burden but a mental one as well. If what he said is true, he had never spoken to anyone about this. Which means he probably never seeked therapy and he’s dealt with this alone.

However the most upsetting thought is the fact that Meredith has continuously thrown this in his face since he and I met. This would also lead me to believe that she has thrown this in his face in other occasions as well. To a degree I can understand. Meredith lost her best friend that day because of her brother.

When you get right down to it, it was Olivia’s choice to go about this the way she did but she also passed that affliction and pain to Alex. Alex would forever been burdened with the texts, the sounds and the images from that day. Perhaps that was the way Olivia wanted it. Who knows?

The more I thought about the psychological effects that the death of a young friend could cause the more I really felt for Meredith in the situation. Meredith thought she was doing the right thing by telling her best friend that her boyfriend wasn’t being true to her. She had the best of intentions. However it was that bit of information that made Olivia snap. Granted the event took a few weeks to brew to that boiling point but never the less she had it her way. Meredith must have seen the mental decline of her best friend and watched it spiral out of control. That burden must feel all-consuming.  

Between knowing her boyfriend, who she had been in love with for years, was cheating on her and her finding out she had was expecting; must have pushed her fragile mind over the edge where she hung on a hair pin trigger until she felt that pulling it was the only option. I cannot even imagine what she must have gone through. I don’t even want to speculate what I would have done in her shoes. I’d like to say that I would have been stronger than that. I would like to say that I would never let any man have that effect over me but I can’t. I am not Olivia.

After quite a bit of time those stubborn tears began to fall. I wasn’t even really sure what I was crying about. Was I crying because of the story? Or was it because of the effect that it had on Meredith and Alex’s life? At this point in time it felt selfish for my tears to be wasted on the fact that Alex and I would never be together. However selfish the thought, the fact was is that my tears where more than likely being spilt over what can never be.

Part of me was glad. I was glad that I could never be with Alex. He was truly too good for me. He has a promising life ahead of him and somehow I felt like I would do nothing but slow it down. I wanted things. Like a family and a stable home life. Those sorts of aspirations would not be easy with a career like Alex’s. So more than likely I would be the one to cave in on what I wanted.

The larger portion of my heart felt that no matter what the obstacle, Alex and I could hurdle over it together. Alex and I had already done so much together in the short amount of time I’d known him. He helped me face my ex and his new bimbo. He’s showed me that I wasn’t content with my life the way it was. I thought I was fine but now more than ever I realize how alone I truly felt. It isn’t fair that now I know these feelings are there I won’t be able to have him cure it. I will forever be drowned with the thoughts of ‘what if’.

What if Alex and I said ‘fuck it’ and tried a relationship anyways?

What if I had never met Alex? Where would I be?