Wolf (Andley)

Feeling Small

A/N: typed on my phone, sorry for any possible format or spelling errors 💞 Also I 10/10 recommend the song i attached. It's what I was listening to while writing part of this haha

Despite his children's heartwarming efforts to cheer him up, Andy's state only worsened. The dark clouds that were his insecurities and self doubts only engulfed him more, following him through day and night. They haunted him in his dreams, and they lurked in the corners of his mind. They taunted him.
Andy wanted to confide in Ashley about his troubles so, so badly, but he was scared. He couldn't expect Ashley to understand... What would he say?

Whether he told Ashley or not, he felt like a terrible mate.
It had been nearly five weeks since what happened with Drake, but Andy felt so terrible still. He didn't understand why. He had never felt such a draining sadness within him before as he did now; it felt as if there were a black hole in his heart.
Sucking the life out of him with each agonizingly long day.

If Andy were to be honest with himself, the only reason he felt like being alive was because he had Ashley and the kids.
Every night each of his precious babies would give Andy a big kiss on the cheek and a tight squeeze. They'd murmur 'I love you, mommy' before laying down in bed. Andy would always in response smile, kiss their forehead, tell them he loved them more, but as soon as he left the room that smile would turn to a frown.
The words he spoke to each of them were truer than they knew. Andy loved them, each and every one of them, more than he loved himself. He loved them all so much that it hurt him deeply to be the way he was. His babies deserved a better mother.
And Ashley... Ashley was just a stellar father. How he managed to juggle his business with parenthood near flawlessly was beyond Andy. Always looked his best no matter the occasion, and the kids all adored him. The highlight of Andy's day was to hear them cheer 'Daddy's home, Daddy's home!' in different volumes and tones of excitement, all in unison; he loved to watch them run to his arms, and to watch Ashley pick them up one at a time and give them each a hug.
Sometimes he'd even sit on the floor to let them all come close and snuggle under his arms, hugging the five children close.
It was the highlight of Andy's day because it was the highlight of their day. They had such an amazing father. They just needed a better mother to match...

At the current point in time, Andy stood in the kitchen, working to get dinner ready by the time Ashley got home from work.
The kids were all in the other room watching Spy Kids, keeping them all content and quiet.
Andy set the spatula he was using on the counter and opened the spice cabinet to get some minced onion. When he closed the door, he caught a glimpse of their most recent family photo sitting in the corner on the counter.

It was from about two weeks ago. Ashley came home from work one afternoon and took them all out for dinner and an evening at the park. He got somebody to take a picture to 'capture the moment.'

Ashley looked great as always; still in his clothes from work, the kids all bore large, cheerful grins.
And there was Andy... One of Ashley's pull over hoodies and plain jeans, a few dirt and grass stains on them. His hair was messy. He was messy.
It looked like they'd grabbed a homeless person off the side of the street to stand in the photo for the hell of it.
With a sad sigh, Andy continued with his cooking.

Ashley came home that evening to see his mate slaving away in the kitchen. His long hair was messily held back with a hair tie, there were dark circles around his eyes, his cheeks were slightly sunken in. The glow in Andy's eyes he'd come to know and love had faded away.
The blue was now just... Grey. A cold, dead grey.

"Daddy's home!" Jordan squealed, and was the first of five to run and hug his legs. Ashley smiled and knelt down to hug them all, and in the brief moment he had looked over at Andy he could see the smallest smile appear on his face.

All throughout dinner, Andy was silent as he had been the last few days. He had gradually been getting quieter during the day, and then at night he'd be irritable and tense. It was... Well, concerning, to say the least.

"Andy? Sweetheart, I want to talk to you..." Ashley cleared his throat and stood up. Andy looked up from his plate, food only partially eaten in the 20 minutes they'd been sitting there.
"Okay..." Andy gazed at him.
"Privately, please." Ashley sighed, getting up and setting his napkin beside his plate. "Mommy and daddy are gonna be right back, babies." Ashley murmured to the kids and escorted Andy to his office.
While Ashley only intended to speak with him about his behavior, Andy feared the worse.

He's going to yell at me, dinner was probably terrible.
I look like such a mess, maybe he's going to tell me he doesn't love me anymore.
Maybe he never loved me...

Andy thought all this, and so much more, as the door clicked shut behind Ashley.
"Andy..." Ashley sighed and sat on the back of one of the chairs before the desk, facing him. "Are you okay?"

Andy's hands clamped together tightly in front of him. He smiled despite. "Yeah, of course. I've just not been sleeping well." He shrugged, trying to come off as relaxed as possible.
Ashley stared at him, and in that moment Andy knew his feeble attempt was useless.

"What's wrong, baby..." He murmured.
"What do you mean?" Andy sighed, leaning his back against the door.
"You're not eating a lot, first of all. You look sickly, you're moody every night after the kids go to bed, you never want to go out anymore, you cry in your sleep, sometimes, even. You're not okay, but you won't tell me why." Ashley said without hesitation. "Are you not happy, Andy? Is that it? Me and the kids- are we not enough?" Ashley spoke with concern, but also a fair amount of frustration as well.

Andy shook his head. "No, Ashley, no that isn't-" he stopped, eyes shifting around the room to find something to focus on other than Ashley or the floor, and coming across something that made his heart drop. The photo from the kitchen, it was framed and up on the wall of Ashley's office as well. Of all pictures...
Ashley frowned and followed his gaze. "What?"
Andy went around the chairs and desk, and quickly removed the photo from the wall. "No. No, I don't- not that picture. Please." He whispered, laying it face down. Ashley picked it up and observed it.

"Why? What's wrong with it?"
"I'm what's wrong with it!" Andy exclaimed anxiously. Ashley's face fell.
"Andy..."
"No- just- I'm the problem! You're asking me what's wrong, and it's me, okay?! I can't do anything right. I look like I was brought back from the dead, practically. My cooking is terrible, I put Samantha's dress on backwards and inside out today, I forgot to retie Mike's shoelace yesterday and he could have tripped and hurt himself- I'm so spacey, I'm moody, I'm just... I'm terrible. And in that picture- I don't look like me. I look like someone else. I look disgusting, and tired, and sloppy-"

Ashley stopped him there, grabbing his hands. "That person in that photo is my mate, my husband, and the mother to my children. The love of my life; the single most important person in my life and the kids lives. You are that person, Andy, you are that person. Now please, just tell me why you feel like this. Tell me and I'll help you in whatever ways I can."

Andy looked away from him. "I don't know. I can't help it... Everything is so dark, Ashley, and I don't know how to fix it. What do I do..." He whimpered. Ashley exhaled shakily. He knew that he had to keep his composure, otherwise Andy would probably feel worse for upsetting him.

"Go spend a week or so with your pack. You need to get away for a bit." Ashley finally decided. "Just run around, be free for a while... Be that careless, reckless wolf I know and love, ok? I'll stay home with the kids and I'll come pick you up in two weeks." He smiled weakly. Andy didn't, however, but he nodded quietly, muttering an 'okay' as he leaned into Ashley's arms. They just had to hope for the best.