Love Hurts

The Path I Paved.

ASHER

She was nervous. She was doing that thing with her fingers, where she would repeatedly tap them in a row against her thumb. Rose had to go to the bathroom and wanted to go alone, it was a straight shot so we had eyes on her, so Charlotte wasn't 'worried' and let her go. We sat across from each other alone outside the ice cream parlor on a picnic table. I was staring at her. She was looking at the door like it held the secrets to the universe. The sun was out but it wasn't extremely hot, there was a nice breeze that would come and go. That was my favorite. The breeze would come and swish Charlotte's long hair from her neck and back, showing off her neck and the freckles that dotted up her beautiful skin. I once kissed every single one of those freckles right up to her lips, she laughed the whole time until I reached her lips. 

I could no longer stand the silence. "Do you remember that date we went on? When we first started going out? The one where you were craving that ice cream from Captain Dusty's in Massachusetts? You kept raving about it and how you were on your period, so it was 10 times worse. So I drove you home and while you slept I got everything settled with both our works so we could take a couple of days off.  The next morning as I stood outside your apartment, and I saw you rushing out the door because you were late. But you weren't late for anything except your craving for that ice cream, that you had a large of once we got down there..." (A.N. Said a couple chapters ago but they used to live in New York, close to the city. Char now lives in Virginia, close to Washington.)

"Stop please," Charlotte's eyes closed and her breathing grew heavy, as though she was trying to keep herself composed. I kept going, because the memory of one of the happiest weekends of my life was playing through my mind now and I couldn't stop the words flowing from my mouth.

"When we first met it was like all the stars aligned. You were everything I wanted and needed. You were my disease but also my only cure, and I knew from the beginning that you were the one. That part, of you being the one, didn't scare me but the future did. Not knowing how things be or what will happen. We were bound to each other by law and love, but I couldn't control what you did, I knew with one tiny mistake we could lose it all. And I ended up being the one who messed everything up, the one who screwed up our future together. I'm sorry I wasn't the man you fell in love with.  I strayed from the path I promised to stay on with you. But most of all I'm sorry that sorry is not the right word for all that I have done to us. To you, and that precious little girl that was an outcome of something extraordinary but was brought into a mess created by her father."  I had exhausted all my words, everything that needed to be said was the right words but it would never lessen my wrong doings, only hopefully be able to explain them.  Hell I barely understood myself due to my complicated and convoluted thinking process. I just wanted her to understand that the life we had together was my ultimate goal.  It was what would happen next is what scared me.  She could leave me, I have absolutely no control over her or her mind.  She could wake up one morning and realize what a mistake she made with me.  SO me being the dumb-ass that I am decided to let fate scare me and f*ck things up before anything could happen. Knowing that a love that I looked up too and aimed for was a lie, not only scared me but shook me to bone of what was real and how long one thing would last.  But that isn't a excuse for the path I have taken, there is no u-turn for me now.

"What do you want me to say? That I forgive you? That I want forget about it and run into the sunset with you? No. It will not happen, I won't let it, because you broke me, and it took a long time for me to glue myself back together. I'm not gonna let you come back in and take me apart piece by piece.  I am letting you be apart of Rose's life, take that and run.  Don't question it, don't put your energy toward me, because I will pick us up and leave you where you were five years ago.  Alone.  Understood?"  I think if she stabbed me with a knife it would've hurt less.

I cleared my throat, because I felt as though my breakfast was making its way up, "Okay I umm, I can do that." Rose, not having any idea of the heaviness of the conversation, came in jumping around in happiness and started talking about school in the upcoming days.  I put aside my sadness and regret and focused on the little girl that is now my world.

...

Hello loves...

Thank you for reading

Lewis xo

(P.S. Not proof read or edited)