Diary Of A Lost Cause

Remembering my lost family.

dear diary,

today was very eventful, i had my fill of cleaning whilst crying and my family being smashed into my skull some more...figurativley speaking of course, i mean it wasnt all that sad, i got to speak with my annoying sister,pretend i wasnt pissed off at anyone and got to talk to my crush... what more could a girl ask for?

ok ok... let me give you some more detail, BASICALLY what happened was this... :

'*****, wake up. dads coming and you need to clean, im going out to see my friend for a while...' my annoying bitch of a sister said literally running out the door... 'YOUR IN CHARGE OF ****!' (<--- Siblings name) i sat up and looked over to a scared kid sibling...she hated me, like most of my family. not because i was gay, i mean she was 5..c'mon. she hated me because i have add and im in need of some SERIOUS anger managment classes. whenever she squealed i would yell, and i seriously hated it, i may SEEM like the most patient person ever but thats because of my anxiety. i absolutely hate myself when i get angry so i get very anxious and some how dont get angry.... i guess im just a weird kind of human, or maybe im not even human at all....guess we'll never know.

this morning after i almost finished cleaning i looked up toward the ceiling and questioned God...i know,i know. "YOU TALK TO GOD?!" and the truth is yes, i do... even though im very much gay i still question the almighty and powerful twatcicle upstairs....(heh twatcicle) i stood there, my hands still smothered in water from washing the pots.

'so why do they call you the almighty? you cant even keep a family together....' i continued. 'you could have stopped her from leaving you know, you could have made everything ok between them....' (meaning my family) 'you could have told her to stay, him to lighten up. for us to be normal...but what are you best at huh? destroying happiness... yep i said it. you SUCK!' (emphasis yay!) a real god would help everyone and only kill those who absolutely need to die... like me, i have NOTHING to live fro anymore. all my friends abandon me without question, my parents either hate me or atleast act like they do, my sister completly ignore me.... and whats even worse. whats even worse than that, is that i let it happen.' i looked down toward the murky water. 'whats worse is that you expect everyone to follow you and be happy, but all you do is test test test' i said brining a hand out of the water and clicking to match the word test. you took my pets away from me, my family and friends away from me, anything else you wanna take. anything at all....' i stood there expecting a reply like the fucktard i am... 'well next time you do take anything from me.... let it be my life, i want you to prove me right for once.' i lowered my head again...tears formed in my eyes with anger. 

'WHY DID YOU TAKE ALL THIS AWAY, WONT I GET SOMETHING IN RETURN! IM NOT GONNA GET THE GRADES I WANT, IM NEVER GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS PIT OF HELL AM I?! i slammed my hand against the side (this shit actually happened... i know cliche isnt it...)

i suppose the only good thing that happened today was that i got to talk and cuddle with my long time crush... i mean ive had other crushes, but this one has been sitting at the back of my head/heart (whatever it really is) for a while now... i really do like and her and i wish she liked me back, but for now i just wait..

see you later diary, thanks for letting me sob and rant. 

<3 you