Diary Of A Lost Cause

the time i just wouldnt die...

WHATS UP FUCKERS!! Did I scare you?..... No? Ok then.
Well this is a new part to my diary collection....I say collection because it's a small (or big whatever) collection of all the shit and memories that's gone down in my life... -Side note- I write these according to my emotions,most of time I'm a blank depressed slate (if you know me,that's what I'm like.dont lie to yourself...) but no that doesn't mean I over exaggerate my life story... Unless it's really exciting or just super boring..either way I don't exaggerate often.. =other side note= trigger warning for all you weirdo who think cutting will solve your problems take it from the crazy person..it doesn't help much...

I sat there for a few hours contemplating if my life was worth living...with tears in my eyes I stared into open air...I do this alot since I struggle with anxiety and depression...

I had quietly made my decision as I snook downstairs to the kitchen to retrieve one of my farthers Stanley blades...at this point I was tearing up doing the whole 'what do I need to live for' thing...but at this point I couldn't find any,even in the deepest part of my mind there was absolutely nothing to fight for...

I pressed the blade against my wrist,trying to push myself to do it...
I held my breath and pushed down moving the blade straight down my wrist a long cut coming up my arm was formed by my self loathing... At that point I thought about when and if my remaining family members found me, they would be cleaning my Scarlett liquid off the floor... I took a tea towel so they wouldn't have to.. And yes I thought of everything that very same night too...

I had a spare water bottle in my room that was sat there for about a week...because that's sanitary... I'm very much unable to take pills,so I decided to stuff them down my throat and swallow water to help them find their way to where they needed to be... I mean if that doesn't kill you I'm pretty sure your immortal...or just really unlucky,if it was your intention.

the magical concoction of pills didnt work and i ended up vomitting everything back up.

I sat in the middle of my room,door locked,a blank expression marked my face...I picked up my phone and began to message a group I was in at the time and a few more friends...I said my goodbyes with a simple 'goodnight everyone 😊' although they wouldn't have understood,I wanted them to know I wanted them to be equal... The final message I received was 'you better be awake tomorrow' from my red friend, that's her name for the fact it's her favourite colour...she's still the bestest friend I could ever have asked for, she deals with my depressive ass in a way that it should always be dealt with...kindness -cue selena-

I fell asleep at 4am... 

It was 6 o clock and I had my checkup at the doctors...I was tired and woozy I just wanted to die...

They gave me some pills to use them every day until I started to be "naturally happy" although it wasn't really in my nature to be happy was i...(see beginning stories)

I speak to some friends on my phone,telling them I'm sorry for the scare I gave them,feeling worse then I did when I was doing it to myself... They arranged to meet up that very same day...it was 8 o'clock when  I had to get back to my house...

Sitting at home looking after my sibling and pets,the phone rings,I answer... A few moments later I'm lying on a park,dog in front of me child behind...and my two best friends at my side..(didn't mean for this to turn into a soppy poem,but yeah...get over it)

And when the day is done I'm all tired out,still depressed as hell....but with a smile,I go to sleep once more only to wake up for the next part of the battle....