Dear Jonathan

Chapter 9

Jonathan

So choose wisely...

Choose wisely. Choose wisely? Choose fucking wisely?! I don't get to have the power to choose if he gets to live or die! "What the hell, Michael!" I bellowed, staring at the letter, scanning and scouring it over and over to make sure I had read it the right way. My hands were starting to tremble. I groaned in frustration. Sidka, sensing my uneasiness, jumped off the bed, sneaked through my arms and made his way on my lap. "This is unimaginable! Can you believe this, Sidka?" He curled himself in the crook of my arm and began purring loudly. That was not helping anything, especially since my hands had not stopped quaking. "Oh my God, I've officially lost it. I am to talking to a cat!"

I don't have that right! This is not my decision to make! He is not my husband, that means I have no legal say in this matter whatsoever! How could he, no, how dare he throw this back on me like it's my responsibility! I don't want anything to do with this! I can't... I just can't process this. I need to get out of here! Screw the cat, screw Erica running after me in the hallway, screw everyone looking at me like I'm a damn delinquent, screw Michael for making me freak out like this, and screw everyone just because! Right now I need a drink.

I made it to my car and peeled out of the parking lot only to get a speeding ticket on the way to the liquor store. Awesome. When I finally arrived at the liquor store, I discovered that it was closed. I felt like screaming. I sped down the street wondering where I could buy a drink this time of night. Aha! They sell vodka at the convenience store!

Not minding the speed limit, I raced down the street and was trapped again in the jaws of the law! I swear this guy was probably following me.. This was not my night at all. "I show here that you just received a speeding ticket, buddy, why do you keep breaking the law?" The officer questioned me, shining his light right into my eyes. I hesitated at first because it's not like I could tell the officer that I was on the verge of a panic attack because my old best friend/ex-lover was asking me to choose if he gets to live or die, or that the highlight of my day was reading Michael the letters, or that I started liking Sidka, or that I didn't hate Erica as much as I used to.. He wouldn't understand that.

So, I told him that I was in a hurry to see my mother, because that part was indeed true. He asked me who my mother was and when he finally put the two together he was profusely apologizing and inviting me over for a steak dinner. He even took away both tickets and offered me a police escort. Yet, another thing Michael was right about, everyone seems under my spell and I wasn't even trying to get out of the stupid tickets, I just wanted the fucker to leave me alone already! At last, the police officer let me go with a "warning".

When I arrived at the local convenience store I bought as many Smirnoff ice six packs that I could carry. (5) Thank heavens they had my favorite, strawberry acai. I drank a whole bottle before I could fish my keys out of my pocket and open the door to my car. It took chugging a couple more bottles to work up the courage to actually get my ass out of the car and knock on the door to my parents' house.

When my mom opened the door she looked at me like I was a ghost. "Jonathan?" My father spoke. Shit, I didn't even see him standing behind my mom. "Um. Hi." I bet I looked stupid holding two cases of Smirnoff, even more so when I offered my dad a case knowing full well that he doesn't drink... what do I do?

This is hard. What am I supposed to say? I'm sorry I ignored you and hated you for all those years? No. they wouldn't believe that because that wasn't the truth. I did hate them for years and I didn't try to hide it either. How about I'm sorry I was an asshole? Nope. Not thats not good enough either. Where do I start to apologize? How could I possibly begin to restore what I spent all this time destroying? I've never apologized for anything. I've never really felt remorseful, but now seeing my mom and dad like this... I need to right this wrong.