Dear Jonathan

Chapter 10

It's about damn time, right? I know... Merry Christmas, luvs!

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Jonathan

Its weird that in life one day you can be perfectly fine and functional, everything will be peachy-keen and hunky-dory, then you get thrown a curveball at the most unexpected of times. Right now my world is upside down, it's under attack. I shook my head back and forth trying to make sense of things... I guess somewhere along the lines of hello and goodbye I fell in love with him. That's the only logical explanation for any of this. If only Michael could do something as simple as blinking. Give me a sign so I know that you're still alive!

I always loved Michael's eyes because no one else in this world had them. The outside of his eyes were the color of warm grass in a meadow when the sun was setting, inside the harsh ring of hazel was the softest brown.. some might even say it looked like a burnt orange. But now I would never get to see them for myself again.

I saw them every night when I closed my eyes to sleep; his face was my unspoken lullaby. Michael's shy confidence mocked my perfect façade and I despised him for it. He was everything I wanted to be, everything I wished I was. He so easily was everything I'm not. Honest. Intuitive. Innocent. Brave. I was a big phony and full of hot air.

I thought of Michael everytime I was scared when I was fighting over in Afghanistan.. It was comforting to me. It's a scary place overseas-- a totally different world. Michael was my rock. He was my confidence, my security blanket.. There was always this guileless aire about him that was so real it shattered everything I had established.

After I met him at that church I knew I liked him, after awhile it became clear that I was a goner. Michael was right, I was running. Running from what I was experiencing anytime I was within 25 feet of him. Basic attraction. That's why I secretly joined the marines as a senior in high school. My mission was delayed, so I got my two year degree before I had my first assignment overseas. When I was with Michael I was constantly fighting myself. It was hard not to touch him when he's so ridiculously tempting. I won't say that I'm gay because I don't want to label myself. I will say I finally figured out that Michael was the one I truly wanted.

It took all of this for me to actually come to terms with my internal struggle. I would've told Michael to stop hanging on if it wasn't for that damn doctor. I saw that he purposely wasn't doing anything to help save him and I couldn't stop myself. When it came to dealing with things about Michael I always lost my head and did stupid stuff.

If I wouldn't have freaked the morning after everything happened, things would've been so much better. I would've had Michael who loves me and all of my ridiculous flaws. We probably would've had our own house and maybe even pets. I would've had everything I ever dreamt of.. A life of happiness with the one person that mattered most.. but no! I was too chicken and I thought I was 'conveniently horny' when I was around him or something. I may be book-smart but Michael clearly has the common sense.

Michael was the one who genuinely tried to do the right thing about us. He was honest and he told me how he felt about me. He also was honest and told God how he felt about me which was a huge thing to do. How many people do you know have the balls to challenge God and almost kill themself because they were trying that hard to be a good Christian?

I could never do that. I didn't do that. Hell, I wouldn't do that. I'm too selfish. Instead, I pushed him away, I caused him pain. I lashed out and messed everything up! Now he's dead in my arms and I've wasted my last bullet. I've pulled the trigger and killed us both.

I am not accepting that this happening. Not now, not ten years from now. He's not dead. He can't die, not when he's this close, not when he's right here in my arms. No! It can't happen! I won't be able to survive without him! I understand now. I get it. I've learned my lesson! "Please, wake up!" I shout to his lifeless corpse. I don't recognize my voice. I don't get a response. Just that sickening, continuous beeping noise from the stupid monitor. Not for long though.. after cracking the screen all I heard was the sickening silence. I don't know how many minutes I was weeping over his body. It could've been a hour, it could've been five minutes, I happened to look up and see about six guys surrounding me. They didnt look too friendly either.. they had come to take me away, I gathered. "Don't touch me! Leave us alone! Give me some more time! I didn't get to say goodbye!" They were trying to pull me off of him but they couldn't.

I had wrapped myself around him and I wasn't letting go. I would never let go. Never again. "Let me have my time with him!"

I very nearly lost consciousness myself in the midst of everything when I saw Michael trying to open his eyes. Everything was in slow motion when I screamed for somebody to get help.

He seemed to be gasping for air and he looked genuinely scared as he gripped feebly at my wrists. "Don't worry, you're in a hospital." I reached over his head for the oxygen mask and placed it over his nose.

I'm pretty sure I'm in shock right now. I can't even begin to process what is happening right now. My body is on autopilot.

"Oh my God, you're alive? You're alive! Please don't die. Please, oh my god, you woke up! I can't believe it!" I was all over him touching his freckle-dusted face, his head with the little red sprouts of hair sticking out of his scalp, his slightly pink lips, those eyes.. those amazing eyes that could see past all the bullshit I fed to everyone else.

I had to kiss him at least just once, I know there's a commotion going on behind me, I vaguely hear Sidka screeching and hissing at whoever but I'm not paying any attention to it. I wouldn't care if God himself was standing right next to me, I wouldn't hesitate to kiss Michael and I wouldn't hold anything back. Why? Because I love him and nothing can change that. Not now. Not ever. I've got a second chance with him.

That's why I removed the oxygen mask that I just placed on him two seconds ago and kissed him for all I was worth before shoving it back on his face. "I'm sorry, I had to do that." That's why I can't stop the words I love you from tumbling out of my mouth over again and again. I love him, and I only hope that's enough. I can't lose him. I won't lose him.

Even though Michael has been asleep for years he looks impossibly tired.. And ridiculously handsome. I felt gentle pressure on my left hand and saw his fingers close around my hand. If I ever had any doubt in my mind about loving Michael, they could be put to rest right then. He took one look at me and I knew that was it. I can tell that he loves me. He loves me!

It's not the type of love where all we want to do is fuck each other into the wall, it's the kind of love where I would rip out my heart and give it to him if he needed it. I would scale a mountain or fight a lion with my bare hands. I would do anything for him because I adore him. God, I can't believe I didn't want this before!

My heart is overflowing with love and these feelings that I didn't know existed for Michael. My Michael. Michael is the air in my lungs, the blood that courses through my veins. I want to hold him tight and never let him go.

I rubbed the sleep from Michael's eyes, that must be uncomfortable. I can't believe this is happening. "Goodmornin sunshine," I finally managed to whisper. That was the standard morning greeting that I used to text him each day. "I've missed you.." I can't even begin to explain how much I've missed him.

This is when things started to get weird.

"M-my le-g." He's trying to speak to me but only half his face is working. That's obviously not normal.

"What is it, can you talk? Are you okay?" He better be, I did not go into hysterics for nothing!

When we were in high school we took an ASL class together every year. Michael was so good at it, I wonder if he remembers how to sign anything.

"Do you remember how to sign the alphabet?"

He takes a second to think, then nods his head affirmatively.

Blood drains from my face when I read what he signed to me.

I-c-a-n-t-f-e-e-l-m-y-l-e-g-s

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Oh no! What do you think is wrong with Michael? Comments accepted below ;)