Help Me

Misery Is My Middle Name

Izaya wanted to say he was not okay but that darn nagging feeling would always press against his mind. He wanted to stand on a building where he could scream and everyone would hear him. He wanted to be so high that it made him sick; high enough so he would explode.

He wondered why Shizuo didn’t kill him. He wanted it, hell even urged for it. He was sick and no one could help him. Maybe he should let his sisters throw him in front of a bus, just like he did to Shizuo. Yes that would be best for him. Just end it now!

Would that be the best, really? His lovely, spoiled, stupid humans would go to waste, but look at him now, hurting his humans. Their blood was spilled, life was ended, and his new life begun. Could this even be called a life?

Walking the streets was getting harder. The blood around him pulsed like the deep bass in a club. It made the air feel thick and it made it harder to distinguish from right and wrong. Every human made him want to snap. A violent force would slam against his head, was this what Shizuo felt when he saw Izaya? – making him want to kill.

He called Shizuo a monster but who was the real monster? Izaya knew who wand called himself that everyday. It tore at his insides leaving him in constant pain. It ripped through his skin leaving a bloody trail of thoughts and dreams. This was the best way to describe how he felt. Every. Minute. Of. The. Damn. Day.

People say you should never believe death is the answer, well for Izaya that was true. He would say that is how he lived his life but now, he would welcome death over this pain. Shizuo, Shinra, Celty, Masaomi, any of them should get a taste of this pain, and then maybe they would put him out of his misery. He would never do it himself as suicide is a thing his low, pitiful, spoiled, and dirty humans did.

He called Namie to go and buy him a journal. She didn’t question anything he did, not after the night he came home broke. He was covered in blood and unmentionable parts of a human body. He wept for him and the one whose life he destroyed.

He bawled until he fell asleep and even then tears went down his face. She would have loved to see him this way except she had to deal with him the next day and clean up the blood stained furniture.

Namie brought the journal to Izaya and left without saying anything. He turned to the first page and wrote as if his life depended on it and maybe it did. Maybe if someone read this they could save him. He hated how he had to rely on something that held no life to bring him the happiness he wanted.

He wrote and wrote. He wrote until his hand cramped and he couldn’t move it. He wrote until blood veiled parts of his hand. Nail marks were left in his palm from clenching his hand into a fist.

He read the first thing he wrote. It described what he felt. All. The. Damn. Time!

Help me. Help me. HELP ME. HELP ME! Why won’t you help me! Do you not see that you can end it!? Shinra! Celty! Shizuo! Why won’t you get help!?

He cried as he read it and placed his bloody hand on the page. The blood and water mixed on the page leaving it permanently stained. An animal like sound rose from his throat leaving him shocked. He had never been so afraid in his life as to have a sound like that emitting from his throat.  He has never made a gurgling sound in his life, not even when his best friend beat him up in elementary school.

He pulled out his phone and dialed in Shizuo’s number. He needed to say something before he couldn’t do it ever again.

“What,” Shizuo grumbled into the phone. If Shizuo had looked at the caller I.D he may not have answered the phone.

“Shizu-chan, ngghh, help me,” Izaya managed to plead in between sobs. Shizuo could hear them rattle in Izaya’s chest.

“Izaya! What have you done!” he knew he shouldn’t yell at the pitiful informant but old habits die hard as they say.

“Kill me. Kill me! I don’t want to live anymore. No I don’t deserve to live anymore! It’s inside me and I don’t know what to do! I can’t go against it! It won’t let me!” his voice first started out normal then it turned into hysterics and then broke into a whisper Shizuo had to strain to hear.

“Izaya, calm down. This isn’t you. You need to come to ‘Bukuro so we can try to help you,” Shizuo felt bad for the young man.

“Hah! You feel sorry for me! Don’t you?! Don’t feel bad! Get angry! Kill me! Kill me! Do something,” Izaya was a mess and both the men knew it. Izaya couldn’t take it; if Shizuo wasn’t going to do anything, well he would forget about him. He hung up the phone and threw it against the wall where it proceeded to burst on contact.

Somebody! Anyone! Why won’t you help me?! Is this my punishment!? Well hear me out! Tomorrow my plan will activate and soon all of this will be over!—Izaya screamed in his head. Tears still streamed down his face even after he passed out.

Author’s note

Okay so I know it’s short but I wanted to write how Izaya felt about his situation. I almost cried while writing this so I feel like a baby. What do you think it Izaya’s plan? Should people try to help Izaya or is he to far gone? Next chapter will more than likely be back on track with getting Alpha out of the hospital.