Find The Beauty Within

The Realization

    Normani's POV

   "Photography is a love affair with life." Burk Uzzle.

Dinah and I had been hanging out more frequently after our make up for the disaster date. To be completely honest, I hadn't expected her to give me the time of day, but she didn't. I couldn't understand what she saw in me that made her change her mind, but I liked it. And whatever it was, I was going to make sure I held onto it, because I was desperate to hold onto Dinah The Goddess. Throughout the week, we hung out more, learning about one another. I discovered that her full name was Dinah Jane Milika Ilaisaane Hansen Amasio — but I preferred Dinah The Goddess. Perhaps even Dinah Jane The Goddess. It had a sweet sound to it.

    Dinah never talked about her family much, but I didn't want to push either. Instead, I kept my family details short so that she didn't feel pressure to talk about her's. We danced around the subject, but I didn't mind, as long as I got to dive deeper into her brain. Her thoughts were fascinating to me, once she let me in enough to understand her mind. And they way she spoke so passionately about something she cared for, was a sight to see. If it was a deep topic, her eyebrows would furrow, the slightest or creases forming in her forehead, as she talked widely with her hands. But if it was a happier subject, her smile would be unstoppable. It wasn't something I got to see often, as she covered it up whenever it appeared, but I caught a few glimpses, and I was sure I fell harder for her. There were these two dimples just under her eyes, at the top sides of her cheeks that formed when she smiled or laughed, and my heart fluttered each time.

Even her voice was enough to send chills down my spine, but she didn't think so.

"I sound like a man, Mani," she argued when I told her how I loved her voice.

"You don't," I said as I shook my head. "You really don't."

    "What does it sound like to you then?"

    I took a deep breath, smiling as this was the most talkative she had been all week. "It sounds like...well... Have you ever thought about what honey might sound like if it were to talk?" I asked, already wanting to slap myself for my choice of words.

    Dinah's face was expressionless, but she couldn't fool me. I was able to see the amusement in her eyes that were slowly warming. "No."

    "I have. To me, honey would sound smooth and soft, the way it is."

    "Honey is also sticky," she argued once more.

    I nodded. She had a point. "That's true. But we're all a little sticky and messy sometimes." Again, I wanted to hit myself for my choice of words.

    But when Dinah giggled, it was enough of a reward.

    "I can't...I'm not good with words, Dinah Jane," I explained. "I can't articulate how I feel to you. But maybe one day I can show." I lifted my camera for emphasis.

    Her smile faltered, but I understood why. She was scared. Nervous. And broken. She didn't see herself the way I saw her, but I could only hope that one day she would.

    "Maybe..." she whispered.

                            *    *    *

    "Someone's been spending an awful lot of time with their crush," Ally teased when I returned home later that evening.

    I blushed furiously, hanging my head low to hide the crimson that touched my cheeks. "Shut up, Ally," I groaned.

    "It's so cute, though," my best friend giggled. "Like the way you look at her when we all hang out, it's just...god I can only imagine how you look at her in private."

    "It's hard not to, Ally. She's just...beautiful. Insanely so. In every way possible and I just want her all to myself."

    "Then get her."

    I shook my head, walking toward the shorter girl. I sat beside her, letting my head fall in her lap. "Easier said then done."

    "Why's that?" Ally questioned, not knowing of Dinah's cuts.

    "She's broken," I whispered. "And it isn't my job to fix her, because I can't. She has to fix herself, to want to fix herself. She has to love herself before she can even think about loving me."

    It was quiet for a bit. Nothing but the sound of my ragged breathing. My day with Dinah The Goddess had gone so well, right up until the point where I thought about where we would end up. It was obvious that even if Dinah had liked me, there was no way we were going to work. She couldn't trust me fully, and I wasn't blaming her, but trust is everything in a relationship.

"What are you going to do?" Ally asked quietly.

"I don't know. I really, really like her and I just...I want her, but I know I can't have her. Not until she loves herself."

I could've easily said that I would develop more than enough love for the both of us, because I knew it was possible, but it still wouldn't work. It wouldn't make Dinah realize that I would never intentionally hurt her, nor would it make her trust me or love herself.

That night, I thought of all the ways I could help my goddess see herself the way I saw her. I was dead set on getting my girl, but I couldn't do that with a broken Dinah. Her being broken didn't mean that I couldn't love her, it just meant that she couldn't love me. And boy did I want her love more than anything.

I wanted her love. Her touch. Her kiss. I wanted her to smile without covering it, so that I could see it in all its glory. I wanted her to flaunt the body she didn't know she had, because it was something worth being comfortable with. Her body was glorious, much like her mind. Much like all of her was. She was spectacular in every way. She was passionate and caring, and understanding. But she was also fearful, ridden with anxiety and pain so deep, I could've gotten lost in it. Dinah tried hard to project the side of her she wanted me to see, but she failed to realize that she was so damaged, I could see the pain behind her eyes even as she smiled. Sure, the amusement and slight happiness was there, but the pain was even deeper.

Her heart was a mix of hot and cold, as she was so caring, but closed off in order to protect herself.

Dinah was layers upon layers, and I yearned to unfold each one. If only she'd let me.

A/N: I'm in love with Lauren Jauregui. That's all I have to say. Love you all. 💜 -Simba.

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