Find The Beauty Within

It Gets Harder

"the camera sees more than the eye, so why not make use of it?" -Edward Weston

Dinah pov

normani and I have been doing well but I'll still afraid of getting hurt. I'm not used to this kind of attention especially from such a beautiful melanin woman. she could choose anyone else in the world but yet she picked me. why ? what was special about me ? why did I have to be the one she wanted to take a picture of ? what was so interesting that made her have to know me ?

I hear my phone start ringing and I really didn't want to talk to her . like I was the one giving her a chance but what if she hurts me like everyone did before ? how would I be able to move on from that ? with normani , I didn't feel insecure because she didn't give me a reason to . she made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. she zoned out and just stared at me . I didn't feel uncomfortable because all I saw in her eyes were love and happiness . I didn't see anything other than that . she would always smile and lick her lips . it's like she wanted to kiss me but was afraid to . I don't mind if she did but at least she's being genuine about my feelings .

everyone else would've just taken advantage of me . they wouldn't care about my feelings or anything . they would simply just hurt me then proceed to laugh in my face . everywhere I went , I could feel eyes and people judging me . I didn't like it but I had to go through it . always got pushed around in school , people posted photos of me and photoshopped it onto something . I just wanted to die because of all the bullying . it was getting harder and harder to deal with it . that was until Lauren and Camila came along and even though I've known them since we were kids , they left for California. they came back around middle school . they helped me deal with it and stuck up for me no matter what . they have never left my side and has always been loyal .

I couldn't have asked for any other friends . they are my everything and I would do anything for them . they have made me realize that suicide isn't going to help . I just have to go on with life no matter how hard it gets . life is better when you decide not to give a crap about what others might think . I don't know where I would be if I didn't have them ? like would I still be living in neglect with my family ? would I be already dead ?

"Dinah, normani has been blowing up your phone . why aren't you answering anything ?" Lauren asked , appearing at the doorway .

I turned around from my position on the windowsill and looked at her blankly. I averted my eyes down to my hand that held my phone to see a lot of messages and calls from normani.

"I didn't want to." I simply replied, throwing my phone to the side, not caring where it lands .

"you were giving her a chance. what happened to that ?"

"I'm scared , Lo . what if she ends up getting tired of me and then leaves me for someone else. I can't handle it if she does. I wouldn't be able to move on because she was the only one that actually cared about me. why does a woman like her want to be with a broken woman like me ? I don't see why she tries so hard just to have me see what she sees."

Lauren exhales a deep breath she was holding before sitting next to me . she grabs my hand and gives it a light, gentle squeeze .

"I can see how she looks at you. she's so fascinated that she'll never be bored of you . she is genuinely interested in trying to show you that you shouldn't be insecure because you are beautiful but you aren't opening up . I get that you're scared babes , but you have to trust normani . if she breaks your heart then I'm going to kick her ass. I'm not letting anyone touch our little baby . you deserve happiness and you'll get it with her if you try to ease yourself into the relationship . she knows it's going to take some time but she looks like she can handle it . I can see the infatuation she has for you ."

"I don't know Laur. I know that she's going to get tired of taking it slow with me . like I don't want to keep her from being happy and i don't think she'll be happy with me . I'm just going to be a burden to her . she deserves someone that not broken and that has her life together . she shouldn't waste her time on me."

"I'm continuing this later because I have to get to work . Camila is about to be home soon . I gotta get ready . I love you Dinah, at least talk to her about how you feel ."

she kissed my head and walked out of my room . I exhaled a breath and looked out my window . I watched as people walked around . some would be couples , old people holding hands and smiling , or just parents and their kids . that made me think about wanting a family with someone that is willing to love a broken woman like myself . they would have to be very patient because it's going to take some time before I can fully trust myself in a relationship . I just want to be cautious of my surroundings . I just wish I wasn't broken because then I could be having a semi- perfect life .

I hear the door open and Lauren yell goodbye . Camila's voice rings through the house. I let out a sigh before getting up and going downstairs .

"yeah ?" I asked her , once I got into the kitchen .

"normani has been blowing up my phone telling me you're ignoring her . care to explain ?"

"it's a long story and I don't want to talk about it ."

I took a seat and sat behind the counter, resting my forearms on the counter .

"I have time so you're telling me while I make some dinner . I won't tell normani about this because it seems like you don't want her to know."

"I don't . it's just confusing to me . I want to be with her but then I don't because I'm scared . I don't want to get hurt anymore and although she's nice that could change within days , months , or years . I just don't know if I can fully open up to her . she'll get tired of me I just know it ."

"help me with dinner , we can talk about it later . it's not something you're comfortable and I'll get the answers I need later ."

I nodded my head and got up to go help her cook. Camila wasn't that bad of a cook but it's only because Lauren had to teach her . it took awhile for her to finally get the hang of it . I love my two Cubans . they make me feel happy .

A/N : well I decided to post this chapter since it's my birthday and I was feeling it . I hope you guys like it but hit me up on my account Jesselle_Loves_You if you want to talk . I need some friends like simba .