Thomas Sangster Imagines

#90 Suicide Note (part two)

(Trigger warning. This chapter includes things related with self harm, insomnia, depression, etc... you are NOT forced to read it)

PLEASE READ: The last part, Suicide Note (#1) Thomas wrote a note to you before killing himself, now you're writing yours- and you're ready to give up.

To whoever is reading this, I'm sorry. Ive tried so hard to stay positive, to be okay. But i'm not; I'm not okay, everyday is a struggle. Getting up is a job, and I'm ready to quit. I guess life just isn't meant for all of us, obviously Thomas felt life wasn't for him.

Hes gone, and I cant live without him. The only thing that kept me moving before all of this was him, he got me up in the morning, he made me coffee. He forced me out of bed and loved me endlessly. But now hes gone, and all I have is myself- oh god I hate myself. I hate staring at myself in the mirror every morning and night, studying my imperfections- because that's all I ever see. I guess i'm just one big flaw, perhaps I'm the wrong answer someone tried to erase but couldn't quite get the job done- and now I'm left a mess.

When you have someone, when you love someone- they love all of you. They love your imperfections, they love your immaturity and your craziness; they love your smile eyes, your skin and thighs- they love the bones that hold you together and the intelligence within. They love you as a whole, because If they don't- its not love.

And when you're left with yourself.... all of that crumbles into a million shattered pieces of glass. You suddenly see yourself as a giant flaw, you're no longer immature or crazy. you never smile and its hard to open your eyes, you cut your skin and you hate your thighs- your bones no longer hold you together and your intelligence is nothing but something memorized from a text book back in high school.

Your life can turn so easily, and for me it did. And sometimes, someone else steps in- someone else picks you up. but nobody came to my rescue, wheres my knight in shining armor? Gone

I miss you Thomas, and I cant live without you. So I have to do this, for me- and for you.

and i'm sitting here, the gun in my hand. Loaded with one bullet, I cannot miss. I'm sorry Thomas. I'm ready, I am really ready.

I love you, Goodbye. - Y/n

The gun was heavy, it weighed down your hand. but you pulled it up with courage, putting it up to your temple and closing your eyes, breathing in deeply.

Your finger shifted over to the trigger and you squeezed your eyes.

"y/n..."

You snapped your eyes open. tears pouring out your eyes. You looked around quickly, and you turned to face your bedroom door. You couldn't believe your eyes. "T-Thomas" You whispered, staring at the familiar figure.

He stood there, pale as snow. His hair still a sandy blonde and his eyes still a chocolate thick brown. Tears ran down his face, and he stared at you. Though his body was nearly transparent, as If he was a spirit.

"Don't do this.." He choked out quietly, his voice dry.

"W-Why..." You stuttered, scared. "You did" You started crying harder. "You left me" You gulped.

His eyes never left you and tears streamed down his face but he never blinked. "I'm sorry, please y/n just trust me"

"No! You're not real" You cried "Your just my imagination- you cant be real- yo-you're dead!" You yelled, crying at the same time. "Go away!" You shut your eyes, pushing the gun against your temple and sobbing.

You heard him cry out loudly, you moved your finger to the trigger again and you began to press down. You felt Thomas's scream rumble your mind and blow thru your ears. His scream faded as someone burst into your room and stumbled towards you, tipping the gun up as you fired. The shot went straight thru the ceiling.

You immediately jumped and opened your eyes, now crying harder. You looked at the person, it was your best friend, Anna. "why would you do that!" You screamed, bawling your eyes out. "i had one shot!" You sobbed "I cant miss!" You screamed, falling down onto your knees.

She cried, wrapping her arms around you and hugging you tightly. "Shh- shhh" Her tears fell onto your head, like cold rain drobs.

You tried to hit her off, but your hits grew weak- and all you could do was fall into her and cry.

"its okay- I-its okay" She stuttered, running her fingers thru your hair and holding you close. "Its okay- ive got you, ive got you... I'm here... I'll always be here"

Remember, you've always got someone there for you. Suicide, is never the answer. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And there will always be someone who cares- always. If you cant save yourself, You can get help- you can find someone who cares. There's 7 billion people on earth, one of them will be there- one of them will help.

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The moral of this chapter was that you aren't alone, and that suicide isn't an option.

You lost Thomas, but you had someone else. Never follow someone elses actions, especially bad ones. There will always be someone willing to help you, I am willing to help you.

I love you guys, hope you enjoyed.

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