The Ending of Elle

Panic.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Men, i fear them.
i am intimidated by them.
i hate them.
i think.

but not as much
as i like the aggressiveness,
the dominance, the seemingly emotionlessness of a man.

PANIC.
He gets too close,
gets too aggressive.
PANIC.
He touches me in the places
the man who hurt me touched.

I relax.
He is not that man. He is good.
He is sweet and unknowing of
the pain i have endured.

PANIC.
He asks sexual questions.
and the thought if sex with him
PANIC.
He wants to know what I like
And I become scared and
PANIC.
He kisses me feircly, holds me too tightly.
He grips my ass but i kiss back because i cant say no to someone this controlling.

He is not that man.
He is sweet and unknowing
the guilt, the fear, the pain i am in.

PANIC.
He tears inside me.
and i want him to but at the same time i dont.
PANIC.
It hurts, just a little.
but i want this. he wants this.
PANIC.
I moan to let him know i am enjoying myself but inside i
PANIC.
hes going faster.
PANIC.
I can feel him getting close.
PANIC.
He thrusts harder and i secretly feel like this is rape but
PANIC
this is consensual. but i
PANIC
and he pulls out and releases on my stomach and i am okay now...

He is not that man.
he is not that man who hurt me years before.
He is kind and unknowing and unaware that i panic everytime he gets too close,
or asks those questions that make my heart pound and my breath speed up.
unknowing that the feeling of
him against me excites me and
completely terrifies me at once.

but i cannot say no to a person so controlling.
i cannot say no to someone stronger,
smarter, better than me.
i cannot say no the one who
is protecting me.
loving me, but also kind of using me.
i cannot say no to the person
who does not know why i want to say no.
and i do not want to explain
so i say yes.
PANIC.