If Fire Caught

Chapter 39: Katniss

They stop talking and I feel Peeta start to settle back down. I feel my stomach churn a little, but I ignore it, not wanting to show them I'm awake. I hear chains rattle as Peeta moves and decide to you that as an excuse to have woken me instead of eves dropping on them. I slowly get up and turn to see him watching me.

"Staring isn't very polite," I say getting upend going over to the small food pile and grab two rolls before going back and taking my place by his side.

"I haven't the slightest idea of what you're talking about," he says and I laugh quietly. I reach in my pocket and pull out the small silver key to his manacles and reach up to unchain him. "Katniss don't do that. I-"

"Peeta, I know exactly what you're going to say and I'm willing to take my chances," I say. "Besides, it's quiet here. There's nothing here to set you off." I release his hands and he flexes his injured wrists. I hand him one of the rolls and settle down next to him.

"I don't understand what is with you and putting yourself in unnecessary danger when your vulnerable," he says and shoot him a look.

"I'm pregnant, not injured or I'll," I say. "I can take care of myself."

"Yourself, yeah," he says. "I'll bet on you against anyone. But you and a child? Katniss, it's something to think about. We already lost one child. We can't lose another." I look down and let a tear fall.

"You think I don't know that?" I say. "But if we ever want to be free, to not be persecuted simply because we are poor, I can't stop fighting Peeta. I don't want to bring a child into a world like the one we live in." I blush a little before saying something else. "And I also don't care how crazy you are, I'm not giving birth to this child without her father."

"If I'm not okay to be around you, I would never risk the baby, Katniss," he says. I shake my head and pull apart the roll.

"You would never hurt her," I say. "You have little glitches, but you're getting better every day. And we also have like six months until we even have to-" I stop as I feel a little flutter in the lower part of my stomach. I must make a face because Peeta touches my arm.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"I think so," I say. "I just, I didn't think I was far enough along for me to be able to feel her moving, but I think she just did."

"The baby moved?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah," I say. "I think so. Not a lot or enough to feel with my hand, but she fluttered around for a moment."

"What's it feel like?" He asks.

"Butterflies," I say. ""Like when you get nervous or excited about something. Not big enough to start bruising my internal organs like River did when he started." I stop speaking to compose myself a little.

"I remember that," he says softly.

"You do?" I ask. "I thought that stuff was still really fuzzy for you?"

"The more I sort the stuff that's shiny, I start seeing the truth again," he says. "I'm starting to remember stuff from when you were pregnant with our son."

"Like what?" I ask.

"I remember how upset you were when you found out you were pregnant," he says. "You didn't want him."

"No," I say. "I never wanted children. I was always very clear about that. But that doesn't mean I don't pray every night that what happened wasn't real. That our son is alive and safe. But he isn't. He's buried in the woods beneath a willow tree by a lake. And he's all alone. And I blame myself."

"Because you didn't want him?" He asks.

"That doesn't mean I wasn't going to love him," I say. "I was pregnant and there was no way to undo that. He was ours and I was getting hopeful towards his birth. That maybe you'd be okay. But it all went to shit after the explosion."

He's silent for a moment before holding my wrist.

"Are you okay this time though?" He says.

"I don't know," I say. "I was really depressed after I lost River and I'm still not a hundred percent devoted to the whole idea of being a mother. I'm scared I won't be good enough because of all of this. Because of everything that's messed up in my head because of this."

"I'm worse off than you," he says.

"Not necessarily," I say. "You're just bigger and stronger than I am so there's more notice to your little out bursts."

"Katniss, I've almost killed you," he says. "Twice."

"I would have killed Haymitch with my bare hands if Finnick and Plutarch hadn't pulled me off of him," I say. "Where do you think he got those claw marks across his face? Buttercup?"

"No," he says. "I assumed they were from a certain Mockingjay's talons actually." I laugh a little and the baby gives another little flutter.

"See," I say. "We're both very dangerous. The only difference is where you're like a grizzly bear, destroying anything and everything in sight, I'm more of a mountain lion, unpredictable and an ambush kind of attacking."

"What are you getting at?" He asks.

"Just because I'm her mother doesn't mean I'm any less dangerous to her than you Peeta," I say softly. "Can't you see that?"

"I'm just," he says before looking down. "I wasn't supposed to survive the arena, Katniss."

"Well you did," I say. "And all we can hope is that we survive this war and get to go home."

"I'd like to go home," he says. "It's been so long since we've been home."

"What do we do though?" I ask. "Almost everyone is gone." He frowns.

"I don't know Katniss," He says. "Just raise our child and try to keep each other safe, I guess," I nod and lay my head on his shoulder.

"Just promise me that we won't get separated anymore," I say. "Bad things happen every time we get separated."

"I promise," he says kissing my temple. "Now go back to sleep. Cressida said something about moving in a few hours." I nod and curl up closer into his side as I fade away.