Hearth of Heart: A Chicago Franchise Fanfiction [Mature]

Chapter 10

I knocked on Casey's door, excited. We're three days shy from our four month milestone.

He opened the door, and as usual, I got up on my tiptoes to kiss him. He kissed me back, as warm as he usually did, yet something was missing. I could tell his heart wasn't in it.

He turned back to the couch, leaving me confused on the front door. I followed him, settling besides him on the couch. He held me, so tight around my shoulders it almost hurts. It's like he's afraid, hanging on to me for dear life.

We didn't have plans to go out, just stay in and have dinner here, in his house. The football game was on, which was always fun to watch with him. He's so quiet, it's so rare to see him show emotion. But not when he's watching football. He's passionate, alert. I love seeing him so alive.

But today he's different. He's still holding me, but he was anxious, jittery.

"What's wrong ?" I asked. I look up at him, worried.

He faked a smile and shook his head. "Nothing," he said loftily, faking a casual tone.

"Matt, it's me. What is it ?" I pushed harder. He was silent, intent on not saying anything. I untangled myself from his embrace.

I crossed my hand across my chest and glared at him.

"What is with you ? We don't keep secrets from each other," I reminded him, frustrated.

Silence. We stayed like that for over 15 minutes, and I could feel the gears in his brain turning. Finally, he caved.

"We need to talk," Casey said. My heart skipped a beat. A small part of my brain said I probably shouldn't have insisted on the truth. I have an inkling I'm not going to like what he's going to admit.

"Uh,oh," I tried to make my voice light. "That's what people say when they're about to break up with someone," I joked. But Casey's expression was pained. He didn't think my joke was funny.

"Which is not what you're doing, right, Matt ?" My voice was pitched high, shaky.

"Luella," he pled. I waited, but he said nothing. That was an answer in itself. I felt all the life drained out of me. I distanced myself from him, going to the farthest corner of the couch.

"What is it ? What did I do ?" I whispered, broken.

"It's not you," he pressed. He got up from the couch and knelt in front of me.

"It's not you it's me ? Really, Matt ? Please! at least have the decency not to feed me clichés," I screeched, feeling like all the energy was drained from my body.

"It's not you," he repeated. "It's us," he croaked. Us ? I was furious. If he's saying that I somehow had a hand in ruining our relationship, I might actually slap him.

"Us ?" I echoed emptily. Then my brain turned, a specific memory pushed to the forefront instantly. When I walked in on Casey and someone else talking, back when he and I had just started dating. Then suddenly I understood. Us. Not me and him. Us is him and someone else.

"Dawson?! You and Dawson?!" I croaked. I jerked up like something electrocuted me. He looked at me pleadingly. He didn't deny it.

I feel like falling. But I won't fall and look vulnerable in front of him. I won't.

"Luella, sit down. You're white as paper," he said, alarm in his voice now. I feel weirdly light. A choked laughter escaped my throat.

Then it's free fall, and the ground disappeared from under me. He caught me in his arm, running forward just in time to catch me. I struggled to get away from him, finding new strength when I felt him touch me.

"Get away. Get away from me, please. Just get away," I sobbed. He let go of me. I tried to muster up as much dignity as I have left.

"You need to hear this. I've never felt what I felt to you with anyone, Luella," Casey said as he watched me gather my belongings.

"Stop, please," I begged.

"Don't cry. It kills me," he said, following me around. I rubbed my face furiously, wiping away the steady stream of tears on my face.

"But Dawson is family. And when we lost Shay, it just felt right. I wanted to spare you before we do anything further," he explained. But I barely heard him. As soon as I heard 'spare you', it was like I was doused with ice cold water. My blurry vision cleared.

"Spare me ?" I hissed. He recoiled back from the anger in my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Casey kept saying.

I shut my eyes tight. "Was any of it real ?" my voice faltered.

"Everything, Ella. Everything was real," Casey took my hand in his, squeezing hard. I couldn't even pretend I wanted to push him away. I still want him. I still need to be close to him.

"How long ?" I whispered, eyes still closed. This can't be happening.

Casey was silent, and that infuriated me. At least he would give me the decency of being truthful.

I opened my eyes, stared straight into his eyes. I didn't know how, but I'm sitting on the couch now, and he was back to kneeling in front of me.

"How long, Matt ?!" I yelled.

"We haven't done anything. I wouldn't do that to you," Casey admitted painfully.

"Oh, so you thought you'd break up with me first, and spare your conscience the burden of cheating on me," I spat out venomously. He looks hurt, but it's the truth. I know it. He knows it.

"It's killing me that I'm hurting you," his eyes twinkled with unshed tears.

"It's my own fucking fault," I cursed myself, unable to take my eyes off his face. The blue and gray of his eyes are even more beautiful now, when I'm supposed to hate him. He's beautiful, and my heart yearns for him.

"Spare me, huh ?" I sobbed again finally, drained. His eyes were pleading.

"Too fucking late," I shot. I sent him a death glare, but he held my gaze steady, sorry in his eyes. And pity. That's what I couldn't stand. The pity.

"Lieutenant," I said icily as I pushed past him and got up with newfound determination. I knew that by calling him that, I struck deep. I severed the intimacy between us.

I jerked away from his touch when he tried to follow me on my way out.

I wiped my tears furiously on my cheeks. Just my luck. My chest felt like it's burning, the pain fresh. I should have known, sooner or later. The conversation I overheard that day from Casey and Dawson weren't nothing. I might have convinced myself that it was nothing, but it was a lie. I lied to myself. Casey lied to himself.

God knows I have the worst history with men. Not one relationship that ended successfully. And I was stupid. So stupid to let my guard down enough for Casey to win over my heart. Now that he broke it, shattered it to pieces, getting it back together is going to be hell.

I feel like doubling over from the pain. I don't want this pain. I don't need it. Not right now. Drowning my sorrows seems like the best option right now. Nothing else to lose. What could it hurt now ? And to think, I introduced Casey to Dufay, too. I thought he was going to be a permanent fix in my life. Serves me right for being an idiotic, hopeless romantic.

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Authoress' Note :

Love me or hate me ?

It breaks my heart to see the breakup, but it's necessary, I think.

Again, it's not what I wanted :(   I'm team #LuellaCasey, but my characters do have a mind of their own, and I'm obligated to tell their stories the way they want it to!