December 28 2010
today was the day. today was the day i would be alone again. i would feel miserable and lonely again. i dont want to get used to the feeling of not having a reason to wake up, and not having someone to make breakfast for, or someone to drink all my coffee and eat my cereal, and to make me laugh. i wouldn't be happy.
i've been trying to make the best of my time with phil but its just not working, because i know that by the end of the day we will be hundreds of miles apart again. we would go back to seeing each other through a shitty screen.
phil agreed on monthly visits. i would visit him every month and stay for a whole week. four weeks of not seeing his gorgeous eyes is too much for me to comprehend. i didn't know how much i needed phil until now. i always thought i was fine with being alone but having his warmness by my side everyday was a wonderful feeling that i've come to love.
i was leaving in less than two hours. neither of us had any idea what to do. we tried to agree on an activity for the both of us but instead we decided to watch tv for the rest of the time. though i just took to thinking to myself about how miserable i will be until the next time i come here.
"hey phil ill be right back im going to go pack some more things" i stood up, and glanced at him. he smiled softly and nodded at me, sinking into the couch a bit more.
i walked up the stairs and into phils room, which i had placed my bag of clothes and shoes. i unzipped the limp back and began to fill it up until it looked as if it would burst. i didn't initially bring this many things but i wanted to bring one of phils hoodies. it was a green one, and i had been using it over this week. i quite like it. i also stole one of phils stiffed animals, just as a reminder that he was only a few hundred miles away, at least it wasn't thousands. i also took the time to place one of my own hoodies on phils bed, to be even. i knew he liked when i wore it, so i figured id let him keep it for a few weeks.
i sighed, swallowing the all too familiar lump that was pushing harshly at my throat. i felt tears well at my eyes, before i could stop it, a single tear trickled down my cheek. i couldn't let phil know i was upset, i didn't want him to think i was so attached to him. though i kind of was.
i sniffled, tilting my head back to let the tears soak back into my eyes. it was a strategy i learned from many hours of unnecessary sobbing. they stopped, though i still had a bit of a runny nose. i went downstairs with my bag on, and sat back down next to phil. he didnt notice my stained cheeks, and we continued to watch until it was time.
but soon enough it was time. we both hesitated to open the door but we did. the cold air felt nice against my warm cheeks. i glanced back at phils house once more, and back at him. his lips were rested in a small frown, and his cheeks were pink from the cold. his hands were stuffed in his silky space jacket, and he looked like he was holding his breath. though i didn't question it. i took in a deep breath, and trudged forward into the fresh snow, preparing myself.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
the train station was completely deserted. it smelled of moist soil, and the floor was littered with small flakes of snow. we were both sat on a bench, my head resting on his shoulder. i couldn't help but inhale his scent once in a while. im going to miss his smell, and his beautiful face.
he placed a hand on my knee and squeezed it slightly as a way to reassure me it would be fine. i knew it was an overreaction but being alone was terrifying to me.
before we knew it, the screeching sound of rusty wheels scraping the lining of the train began to get closer. i looked up at phil, my heart dropping. there was a hint of sadness in his eyes but he had a false smile plastered on his face.
i returned the fake smile slightly and stood up. i took in a deep breath, and looked at phil, his hair slightly frizzy and ruffled from the wind. i saw specks of snow in his fringe and smiled. he looked stunning.
i wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, he wrapped his own lanky ones around my waist, pulling me closer into his chest. his heart was rapid, and his breaths short. i felt his warmness engulf me one last time, his minty, pine smell lingering on his shirt. i let a few warm tears slide down my cold cheeks, i couldnt help it.
we let go, both of our cheeks flushed. i let out a breath i didnt realize i wss holding back. he smiled softly, when he noticed i was slightly crying. he grabbed my arm, looking me in the eye, "hey don't worry were just leaving for a few weeks! its nothing to cry about"
i laughed lightly at myself and wiped my cheeks hurriedly. "y-yeah your right, we can always skype l-later right?"
he nodded with a warm smile on his face. i couldnt smile back, as the train pulled up swiftly next to me, messing up my fringe slightly. phils eyes widened, as he noticed the train was here.
i bit down hard into my bottom lip, drawing blood. i opened my arms for another small embrace. phil hugged me tightly one last time, and smiled as he broke it.
"bye dan, text me or something okay?"
i nodded, unable to speak. it was as if i had my voice snatched from me, i couldn't cry, or talk or anything, i just watched as the doors slid shut and the incomprehensible voice boomed over the trains. announcing the next stop.
i waved at phil one last time, trying to get a good look at his icy blue eyes. and before i knew it he was gone.
and for the first time in a long time i realized that i actually cared about someone again. i had an actual friend that cares about me and that gets sad when i leave. and who buys me gifts when i don't ask him to, and someone that comforts me when im sad and someone that loves me. it was a great feeling, having a friend. and i know hes not gone forever, but i just cant help but feel empty.
but as i looked out of the foggy window, greens blurs flashing past me, i realized that phil cares about me just as much as i do him. and i couldnt help but smile at the thought of being in his arms again.
a/n
ugh this after school program is agonizing. also thank you for 100 reads. please comment what you think and dont be afraid to give me negative feedback (or maybe positive?) and vote :)
-amie
