February 12 2011
i still haven't heard anything from phil. its been nearly two months, and the numbness of sad was creeping back into my skin and was ready to bite into my bones and never let go. it was a feeling i associated with the past but im afraid it will soon be tied back into my present. i don't do well when im away from phil. he has a wave of happiness radiating off of him all the time, and ive become used to the feeling of warm and happy. im deprived of it now.
during the days of phil ignoring me, i have left ghostly marks over the keyboard of my phone from lingering fingers, too afraid to press a button in fear of rejection. my ear is sore from pressing the phone to it too hard, for only seconds before hanging up with trembling hands. my tongue has become a graveyard of words left unsaid. and my eyes are sore from waking up every hour in the dead of the night and checking the screen for any sign that phil still cares. to my surprise, i saw a text from him today.
phil:
we haven't talked in a while. i miss you. sorry if i upset you. come over?
i bit my lip and tried to contain my smile from spreading.
dan:
ill be there in an hour
i shut off my phone, and stand up so fast i see splashes of black dance in my vision. this always happens after a few days where i consume barley enough food to give me enough energy to walk for a few minute's without feeling like my breath was trapped inside my throat.
i shook it off, and went to get ready to see phil. i threw my jumper over myself quickly and opened the door, inviting the warm sun to soak into my skin. its been a while since i felt the sun kiss my cold pale skin, i forgot how nice it was.
i walked along the familiar path to the train station, and got there on time to see the train slowly pulling up.
i stepped on and took a seat, watching as the scene outside the window blurred into green and grey, and the sun splashed on the little of my neck.
it felt as though only seconds passed as the voice announcing my stop began to ring throughout the train. i stood, and stepped out onto the pavement, my feet felt unsure. i don't know what im doing, going back to him after he was so cold to me.
its too late to turn back, as i hear the screeching sound of the train again. i sigh and continue on the path to phils house. it was already engraved into my mind, i find it worrying.
i make it to his house quickly, and i walk up to the door. i knock and im soon faced by the same warm blue eyes again. the worry and doubt i held in my chest melted away and spread through my body in a form of warm happiness. it was the feeling of phil. oh, how missed it.
he brought me forward into a hug, vanilla engulfed me and filled my lungs with warmness, i let it spread all the way down to my feet.
we broke apart, neither of us said anything, we just accepted eachothers presence and he let me in. this feeling of being back with phil was much better than feeling the sun soak into me. i wish i could bask in his smell forever, lay in his arms and stare at his eyes for hours.
"dan do you want coffee?" his voice broke my haze and i shivered at the sound of his voice speaking my name.
"yeah, thanks"
he smiled at me and went on into the kitchen. his eyes seemed brighter and his voice louder, maybe i was just imagining it but it felt as if he got happier when i came.
