January 7 2011
it has been 8 days since phil kissed me. he was drunk and his words were slurred but his lips were sweet and soft. it meant nothing to him, but everything to me. i remember feeling horrible that id let myself believe it was real. i remember tasting swirls of vanilla spread across my tongue and drip down my throat. it was blissful and i was happy but i knew it was meaningless.
he pretended not to remember anything the next morning. he made me leave after breakfast on january first. said he needed time alone. maybe he didn't actually remember. maybe i made it all up in my head that he was only pretending just to torture me. i do make things up in my head sometimes. im sure he just simply didn't remember and everything is still okay between us. were still perfectly normal friends.
i sighed and ran my shaky hands through my greasy tangles. i haven't been taking care of myself properly. i just cant get my mind off of what happened and its eating my brain and giving me headaches. i cant remeber the last time i ate a proper meal, or washed my hair correctly. its all so foggy, im starting to believe the thoughts of phil is taking up brain space, if that's even a thing.
i stood up, ignoring the warm haze running over my brain and the dark spots dancing in front of my eyes. i think this was a side effect of my lack of food but i couldn't care less. i just don't feel like eating.
i began walking to the bathroom, i should at least attempt to take care of myself, so i peeled off my clothes and took a small glance at the mirror. i looked sickly. i couldn't help but feel revolted. i grimaced at myself, and turned on the shower.
i continued taking my clothes off and watched as a cloud of steam erupted, surround me with warm, i could already feel my stress peeling off of me and falling onto the floor. it was a feeling i recognized with my time spent with phil, laughing at nothing and everything at the same time.
i stepped in, feeling the water wash off my skin and leave my bare bones to rot. it was a wonderful feeling, like i was being washed of everything ive ever done wrong in my life. of all of my worries and thoughts. it was mind numbing, and that was something i needed.
before i knew it an hour had passed, my skin was crawling back into itself and my fingers turned to raisins. i sighed, and shut off the water, watching as the fog began to die down.
i dryed myself and pulled on a pair of boxers and a large hoodie. surprisingly, i felt much better and the tightness in my chest loosed a bit but, as always, it came back within a few minutes. my head flooded with coldness again and i found myself digging my nails into the palm of my hand. i had a habit of inflicting any mind of pain to myself whenever the thoughts became too overwhelming to me. and as a result of years of that, my arms are littered with red lines running down my forearm and thighs. i have to admit im not proud of them, but i am proud of the fact that i overcame it. although i still have urges and alarming thoughts, i can manage to hold it back.
i sighed, guilt rushing over my skin, i regret every moment of my past but i cant change it anymore. i wish i had control.
i held back the thoughts of my past, and decided a bit of food might help. although i dont enjoy it, i suppose its best if i took care of myself instead of wallowing in my own sadness all day.
i sighed, walking over to the coffee pot. i began making some coffee and toast, after the toast was done i spread butter across it. and put one sugar in my coffee, no milk.
i walked it over to the small table and took a seat. i took a bite of the toast, it tasted of nothing at all. it was dry and unfulfilling. i just couldn't enjoy it no matter what i did. i could feel my stomach eating itself every day but i didnt have the energy or motivation to eat.
i threw my toast on the plate and gave up on trying. i dragged myself over to the couch and fell onto it. i could still smell phil on here, as i slept on here when i still had phils hoodie on it. i miss him so much. i know he meant no harm and he probably has no idea why i havent texted him, but im still wondering the same. i miss his eyes so much, and i miss his crooked smile, or when he laughs to hard his wrinkles show and his tongue pokes out.
i sighed in frustration, pulling the sides of my wet hair.
i just want to sleep forever and never think about those pretty blue eyes all the time.
a/n
wow this chapter was so boring im sorry!! but im not in the best of moods, also i just bought subway to treat myself because i haven't eaten well these last few days im proud but guilty for spending $8, but please comment what you think, and vote, thanks.
-amie
