Mother Nature

|02|

My belly started to inflate. It was really soon. I couldn't understand why so soon. I started screaming. I didn't knew why. I started thinking that this will ruin my body. I will be ugly and no one will want to be their step father. I will fall into depression and die on my grief. I had to call somebody. Or else I would tamp the knife in my belly. I ended calling Peter. I would call the doctor later.
- Hello?
- Peter! Please help me! I want to kill my baby.
- What? Whoa whoa, calm down. Don't do such a thing.
- I can't! Peter! I want it!
- Wait a minute. Are you drunk or something?
- Maybe..
- Oh shit. We're do you live?
- I don't my address to strangers.
- Oh come on! I want to help you.
- Peter, I don't know. I am really confused. Why did my belly started to inflate? It's too fucking soon!
- Just..I don't know just calm down and stop drinking.
- I think my baby likes vodka..I said giddy
- Vodka? Stop it! Stop it now, please!
I hanged up. He was telling me to stop over and over again, so he wasn't useful, he couldn't help me. I then called Cindy - LilUnicorn.
-Hello? Rydel is that you?
- Yeah it's me...I said sobbing
- What's wrong gurl?
- Cindy I want to eliminate the child. I can't deal with this. I need a man by my side. I need help.
- I can meet you my best friend. He is definately strait, but there is a small prob.
- What is it?
- He is a bit old. But that's not bad right? He will be more mature to take care of your baby. He loves kids actually.
- How old is he?
- He is like 40 years old..
- Oh well...
- Will you go on a date with him? Just one date.
- Okay, but if I don't like him I won't see him again.
- Okay whatever you want.
After a couple of days the day of the date has come. I was so anxious. I wanted to make a good impression. I weared a flawless dress with flowers and black high heels. I put mascara and lipstick on , but something was missing. Then I saw some pimples so I covered all of my face with makeup, as I usually do. I didn't want to be excessive but I couldn't go to the date like a clown. I had to do this right. I straighten my hair. I was ready. After ten minutes my bell rang. He was here. I run fast to open him. He was wearing a suit , his hair was black, his eyes deep brown. He was a nice person and funny. His jokes were so good. I laughed  at every single one. I started worrying when I understood that he didn't knew I was pregnant. Damn Cindy why didn't you tell him? He actually told me that he didn't want to make a family and he just wanted a constant relationship. Then I thought that I have to tell him I am pregnant. He would probably live, but I had to do it. He would see it anyway one day. So I took a deep breath and started talking. «Look Oliver I am really into you but I don't think that I am what you are looking for. I am pregnant.» His face changed. He panicked with what I said and left running. I started crying. Is it so bad to be pregnant? No one likes you if you are pregnant? Why? Can someone answer me? I grabbed my phone and called Lana. I told her everything while I was crying. I couldn't help it I felt that I was something different from the others. And I was. I didn't liked that. I wanted to die. I just wanted to live my life as a young girl. I did what I wanted. Sex. And that's how I pay for that. For doing my hobby. It's men's fault. They didn't used their fucking condoms. Jerks. I was paying their fucking mistake. I was really mad. «I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.» Those four words were my only thought. My child doesn't deserve to die but I can't help it. I wouldn't be a good mother. I would put my child in the wrong path. I hated humans. I hated being a human. I hated all the universe including me. I hated everything. I told her all of my thoughts and she told me to go to a phycologist. Stupid Lana. Leave me alone. Everybody, leave me alone. I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to get out of my house again. I want to die here peacefully, with my little baby.
After two days staying at home, I recovered. I was ok. I hoped. I should get back to work. So did I. I did the usual things, grabbed my bag and I got in the car to go to work. When I got there I saw a crowd of people waiting in the adoption line. The doctor was right. I was lucky. Lots of people want kids but can't give birth. It's sad that I can and I don't want to. I mean I was always saying that I won't have kids cause I am not patient and that I couldn't stand the pain. And all that I was saying were truth. I didn't know if I would be able to raise a child. It's was always a bad nightmare for me.
After that I really saw nightmares with babies. They were everywhere. In my bedroom, in the living room, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, literally everywhere! Even in my front and back yard. And they were all boys, with big toys. They were trying to rape me. And I was screaming : «No boys! You are my children. Incest is a bad thing.» Or : «No. You are too young for sex» I was terrified. Till I heard the ring tone of my phone. I started looking for it to all over my house, when I suddenly saw one of my babies holding it. «Hey daddy»...he said. I grabbed my phone and starting searching the number in the last calls. It's was a name actually in this contact, but it was misty. I couldn't see it. I didn't knew why and then I started crying again. Then my babies, all came to hug me. They were too many. I started screaming. And then I actually waked up because my alarm rang. Then I started crying so hard. My desire to eliminate the child was so strong. I couldn't stand all those things. It was even worse than the period I was taking drugs. At least then I didn't knew what was happening to me. I didn't feel. I didn't feel the pain. I didn't feel the diversity I had with other women. I wasn't an ordinary woman. From those who want an ordinary man. I was really different. All I wanted was a different man, who wants family. And that's all. But I don't think there is anyone with these dreams. I will never find my other half. I will always be a alone.