A Little Of Too Much Of Everything (HOLD)

X - Memoir

The kiss was soft and tender. Jake seems to be very cautious and I feel so respected. In all his gentlemanly way, I can feel my knees go soft but thankfully, Jake held my waist closer to his. I wanted to return the kiss but my mind is still in shock right now if it will be the best decision.

Jake pulled away and put his chin on my head. Breathing deeply, he tighten his hold on my small frame as I remain a little shock.

"I'm sorry, shortcake." He said, his breath fanning my hair.

"Do you- regret it?" I stuttered.

"What? No." Jake immediately looked at me and cupped my cheeks. "I don't mean it like that, Rhi. It's just that..."

He paused a little to stare at me with concern and longing.

"It's just that I don't think my timing is right. I don't know. The thing about that douchebag and you crying..."

"Oh. That." I said as I looked down.

"Yeah. So, I guess I have to leave. Now."

Jake loosen his hold of me, gently pushed himself away from me and headed to the door. Missing his warmth and scent in an instant, I wrapped my self with my arms and looked at his retreating back.

"Do you- do you want to hear a story?" I called back.

He stopped by the time he reached the door handle and looked at me.

"Of course." He answered with a crooked smile.

~•~

The rain is still pouring hard and we decided to sat down cross-legged at the lounge area inside my room, where a big window is clearly showing the rain falling at my small balcony.

I stared at the rain, cupping a cup of hot chocolate and my body wrapped in a blanket.

Jake sat across me, staring at me with intensity.

"So, you like rain?" He said clearing his throat.

"Hmm-mmm, I love it." I answered as Jake nodded.

"How about you?" I asked

"Winter." He answered with a smirk.

"Why?" I asked with furrowed brows.

"Cuddle season." He shrugged.

"Oh."

"You're cute when you blushed." I immediately looked away as Jake said that.

Feeling the need to change the topic in instant, I quickly blurted out, "So... Gabriel was my ex fiancé."

Jake didn't say something and I looked at him to see his reaction. He was looking at me attentively as if signalling me to continue.

"We were together for 4 years. Got engaged on our 3rd anniversary. He's the guy who got a lot of dreams and goals in life and I was a very supportive girlfriend. That's the type of couple we are, that kind..." I stopped for a while and sighed. "You know that feeling... the feeling of first love. He was the very first guy I ever kissed, the very first guy I made plans with, the very first guy I ever foresee my future with, the only guy I have ever known to spend the rest of my life. I was blinded, he's all I could see. But then, one day... He disappeared. He left me. Without any words. Without any goodbyes." I said as I looked up the ceiling trying to hold a tear threatening to fall down my face.

"For the last 2 years without him, I was so busy putting my self back together. Because, you know some say that, 'If you love somebody too much, you'll hurt many times fold.' I guess I have proven that right. I have loved him too much that I became obsessed. At least, that's what I came up with while moving on. Thinking that every thing he does is perfect that I forgot about being me, every move I make I should take into consideration if he will like it or not, if he will be cool with it or throw a fit about it and so on. Until... until there was nothing left with me by the time he was gone. As if he was my lifeline... I was so so hurt, and weak, and -. I did every thing to contact him, left messages, went to his house, I even begged him to say something, to answer all the questions that were stuck in my head and left my heart aching every day. But I couldn't get the answers I wanted. I couldn't reach him, I have never seen again." I wiped my tears with my palm as I ramble, I can't look up at Jake but I tried to suppress a small smile as I continue. "A month after, I was then hospitalized due to fatigue. I didn't managed to sleep nor eat for a long time nearly killing myself.... I used to black out taking a pee, hell, I even vomited the water I drank the least. My mom used to caress my hair like she used to when I was a toddler just to help me go to sleep, my friends tried to make a schedule of activities every day so that I can be occupied." 

I paused to take a deep breath.

"So after the hospitalization, seeing how the people around me was affected by my actions, I tried to gather all the remaining strength I can and  promised myself not to ever make the same mistake again. But, after seeing him at Brielle's party. The pain suddenly reappeared. Just like a magic in a snapped. Even though I don't want to. It was totally involuntary."  

I tried to look at Jake for any sign of reaction. I can feel that i'm beginning to be weak and sensitive again. My heart is failing me. My mind is becoming blurry. And I guess Jake could see through my face what exactly what I'm feeling right now.

"I was once told by Brielle what is 'Love', well more like implied." He began saying.

"She had told me this while we sat on a bench in a park eating ice cream, 'You know what Jakey? If someday you'll find your Angel like Dada had Mommy, and saw a smile on your face, I'll smile with you too." I gave him a small smile as he tried to imitate Brielle's high-pitched voice.

"I asked her, 'really?'." He continued. "What if I'll cry instead, because I failed? She, then answered, 'uhmm I'll cry with you too. Because that's how I loved you."

I smiled at his story and brought my knees up and wrapped my arms around them.

"Sweet girl." I said almost a whisper.

"Do you know what she means?" Jake asked, and added. "It means that loving is caring."

"It's a famous meaning of love, Jake." I said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"I know. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, but Shortcake you cared too much that you forgot how to care about yourself. Caring for yourself is love too, and loving yourself first makes the best stepping stone to truly love someone."

And that's where it froze me.

Flashbacks and realizations are coming in one by one like flipping pages in an old photo album. My mind is trying to process everything what I have done. What my relationship with Gabriel was like. And what I was like.

Was I really deeply in loved?

Obsessed? Yes. And I am ashamed. I didn't like it. I gave all without thinking. I have ruined me.

Just then I brought both of my palms up and covered my face and started sobbing. Then, I cried, i cried hard. Letting everything out. My shoulders are shaking and I am crying aloud for the first time.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stup-" I told myself repeatedly but Jake grabbed my left wrist and brought me closer to him. He hugged me as he kneels straight in front of me as I continue to cry on his chest. 

After a few more seconds, he started to rub my back up and down. Everything he does is soothing, his scent is so intoxicating that it makes me feel like melting.

A few minutes passed by, I started to compose myself and I need to move before things get awkward between us.  I lifted my face and looked up at him. "I knew exactly what I want, Jake. Closure. I just needed to have to save up for courage to do it." Jake only answered me with a concerned smile.

"So... Do you want to go to Bandeau this weekend?" I asked, breaking the tension and snapping myself from weird thoughts.