Towards the Light

Chapter 21

He hated this. The quietness of the place, where he could no longer find any distraction and he was left with his own thoughts.

Kisara has fallen asleep some time ago, King Bakura went to mind his own business and Atem stayed behind with two human guards.

He hated what he has became. Instead of being straightforward with his intentions as he always had been, he lied, he sneaked and worked for a man he had little to no respect for. But, he guessed, back then something snapped in him. It shouldn't, he shouldn't react this way, but when she fell before his very eyes, it shook him right to the core.

He never thought he would feel so much pain, and now where he was alone, it came back like a pouring rain. Helplessness. Because he couldn't do anything, and even now, in the dark of the night, the image of her empty eyes wouldn't leave his mind.

Who would've thought that this simple human being would mean so much to him? He was flooded with memories he didn't know he even had; the bright smile every time she saw something new, sparkling eyes looking at him with excitement. The voice, sweet as a honey, able to calm his restless soul. He didn't know how it worked on others, but when he heard her sing, it made him feel at peace, that he could just sit and enjoy life instead of never-ending journey he set.

His mind replayed the sensation of that day in woods, where he was fighting with the Dragon Hunter. On a verge of losing, out of nowhere, he felt heat flooding his body. And then her calming voice accompanied with magic. He felt her arm around his scaled neck, as she whispered to him.

It was lost, gone forever, and he did nothing to stop it. His dragon form, her. Gone, left in the dust. But he didn't regret one thing in all of this; he would never regret saving her from Pegasus, even if it meant being human.
Pegasus. A person he blindly trusted, oh how much venom he felt right now, when he thought of him. Of his despicable lies, that he followed. He felt ugly feeling of hatred growing inside his heart, as he recalled all these years he was guarding him, protecting his back, doing his orders. He just wanted to trust somebody after he was this easily robbed of his ability to transform. He trusted him, with reluctance, but he did. He and Yugi. And what he got out of it? Living in lie, that's all.

He swore to himself to never trust anyone else, but he did. And how much he regretted it now.

He realized, he was always just afraid. And now, when only the memory remained, he was able to admit it to himself. Because he was hurt before, because he didn't want to invite anyone else into the walls around his heart, he pushed people away. He knew he was a hypocrite; always encouraging being true to oneself, while he was locking himself in a cage of hurt feelings he groomed, till they became a spider's web he had no way of escaping.

Once he fell in a trap, when he was helpless in a fight with a monster, not many months after he became half-human half-dragon. This feeling of hoplessness, of being left exposed and waiting for the danger, left a mark within him. He didn't want to feel it. He didn't want to be afraid. But in the end, he always was. Afraid of letting others help him. Even his little brother was kept at arms leght, because Atem was afraid if he saw how friagle he was, he won't look up to him like he did.

And gods, how he regretted it now. He regretted everything, all the pain he caused others by his selfishness. His mistakes he could no longer fix. Because what was there to fix? Things he said to her couldn't be taken back.

What he had said? Ah, right, that the kiss meant nothing.

Like a hell, it was everything but nothing. It was on impulse, granted – but it was all he always did – act on impulse. Because when all was crumbling down in his hands, when he had no words to tell her, that her safety meant a world to him. How could she be so frustrating? Such an airhead, so unthinking little girl. So selfless. She would always put herself in danger just to help others. Where did that come from? Such ... strength.

A strenght he couldn't measure; it wasn't anything physical. Her wind magic wasn't really strong to begin with, the Light magic was – uncontrollable at best. But there was always something in her eyes, unyielding force that wouldn't let her fall. He was jealous of this, he noticed. Of this something that pushed her forward, with a bright smile.
And here he was, lost and confused in the web of his own feelings. And what she was doing? Step by step, she was peeling off this hard wall he built around himself. And by then he became afraid; of what would happen if he let her? That's why, on impulse again, when she asked him about the kiss, he lied. He dared to lie to her, and argue with her.

Because she was saying truth. Firing shots right at him, while he had no means to protect himself. She saw past him, past the walls and that complicated mass of feelings and jabbed right at his heart. And, damn, it stung. Hard. Painfully. And he fired right back at her, because what else he was to do?

Well, he could just admit it, tell her that she was right. But sometimes his mouth outrun his thoughts and he said things he – well, meant. But not in that way, if that made sense. It wasn't all about her – it was about his stupid sense of pride he couldn't let go. She didn't know anything at all – she knew much more, she just didn't realize she did. She shouldn't judge him – he has done it in the past, and he knew he was afraid of being exposed.

She shouldn't care about him, she should be minding her own business – because he was not worth her tears, not worth her worrying. She should be fine on her own, continue to be happy and free of any worries. This is what he wanted for her. He didn't want her to be unhappy with him, a broken man, with a wall around. A broken man, whose heart has been broken into pieces and he still had trouble of picking it up. Why would she stay with him? She had bright future, out of that cave, in the sun where she belonged. Not at his side, with darkness consuming him for years.

So why he felt like he needed her? He wanted to push her out of his life, yet at the same time he wanted her right here with him.

Atem gulped down, nervously running his hand through his hair. He felt like a beaten puupy, or even worse. Why? Because now he knew why. And this didn't make him happier in any slightest way.

He loved her, but she was gone.

~~***~~

So how are you guys? I'm back! I wanted to make this chapter much longer, but decided it was enough of Atem angsting, and that's why this chapter is so short. But it's something, right? Taking into account how ...often... i update XD

Anyway, news, news,news!
I discovered that drawing helps with my writers block, and I created many things for this universum I've done. I decided that I wanna share, so I've made photobucked account! I'm so proud of myself!

http://s38.photobucket.com/user/shuuenka/library/?sort=3&page=0

Here's the link, you guys are free to roam around the galleries I've made for both of my stories. Also, take a look at my updated map of the continent! I'm really proud of that drawing, hehe <3

News no 2. I will be out for whole september, so I'm sorry but there won't be any updates.

News no 3. I've been dragged into k-pop hell, and I feel entirely too old for this phase.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed even if it was this short... Have cuties form EXO to cheer you up?