Regrets

I close my eyes and count to three.

"One... Two... Three." Open my eyes. That's supposed to work, right? It's supposed to help calm you down, I thought. What the hell? Why is this all a mess? I read the messages over and over. From the beginning, when we were best friends, to the end, where we are now. The end. Because I guess that's how relationships end nowadays.

I miss him already. Great.

I type a long message. Then I reread everything he's said to me.

"You're so dramatic"

"Grow up"

"You only hurt people"

"You're nothing to me"

I delete the whole message and go to my room. I cry. And cry. And cry. Until I somehow find myself in the shower. With a blade pressed against my leg. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to relapse and hurt everyone. I didn't want to become weak, but... Never mind. I have no excuse. I'm just dramatic. Damn, I wish I never met him.

I push down with the blade and drag it across my skin and instantly see the beads of blood.

Relief.

The tears stop falling and a feeling of calm rushes over me. There it is.

I make another cut.

And another.

And another, until both my legs are covered in them. Blood flowing from my veins and down the drain. The water burns them. I flinch at first, then I slowly start to accept the pain, thinking it's what I deserve...

It's what he'd want me to do to myself.

I'm probably better off dead. I'm already dead to him.

Why did I let this get out of hand?

It's all my fault. It's always my fault.

I lay my head against the back of the shower and close my eyes. I feel dizzy.

I turn off the shower, dry off, and tend to what I've done. I wrap the towel around myself and dash to my bedroom. I find some underwear, sweatpants, and a t-shirt to sleep in. Skip the bra, it's more comfy anyway. I crawl into bed, leaving my towel on the floor and my hair a wet, tangled, mess. I lay down and attempt to sleep, but tears burn my eyes. A loud bang startles me. I forgot my sister was coming to visit today. Shit.

I jump up and walk slowly to the door, wrapping my arms around my waist for comfort. I inhale deeply and hold it. Close my eyes, count to three, exhale. Then I plaster a smile to my face. What a lovely little lie this is.

I open the door and there's my sister, all bundled up in her coat and hat. She looks adorable, although shes older than me.

She walks in without an invitation.

"Hey, we need to decorate your place. It is like a week till Christmas."

Christmas. I hadn't gave him his present yet.

Him. Tears. Cutting. Dammit, no. Not here. Not now. Not in front of Elaine.

I blink back tears and smile again, "Yeah I know I haven't gotten around to it. You're here for the next couple days, you should help me." She smiles and claps her gloved hands together.

"Yay!" She outbursts. Shes so cheerful, that might come in handy for when I need a distraction.

Him. Tears. Cutting. No no no no.

I blink back the burning of salt water in my eyes.

Still smiling, Elaine gives me a confused look.

"You okay, Taylor?"

I pick up a rag sitting on the kitchen counter and start cleaning the sink. I look up for a second to give her a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine." I look down just in time for a tear to fall, I sniffle and wipe it away.

The truth behind "fine": "No, I am not okay. I am falling apart. Everything is... Gone. I am dead. Maybe not physically, but mentally. I am dead.

I think I'll stick with fine.

"Okay..." Sheeerilysmiles, and I just smile back.

"So about this decorating..."

"Right! I think we should put the tree over there," she says pointing to a corner next to the couch, "and hang lights above the stove. And then we could put a wreath on your door! It'll be so festive!"

I laugh and cover my teeth with my hand, "I don't know where mom put all the decorations when she was helping me move boxes. Might be in the storage unit. We can look in the morning, yeah?" I help Elaine get settled and flip off all the lights before settling myself in my queen size bed thats never felt comfier.

I wake to the smell of bacon. Yuck. I glance at my alarm clock which was suspiciously reset while I was asleep, for it is flashing 12:00.

I hop out of bed, throwing my purple and black comforter to the opposite side of the mattress, and drag my feet out of my dark bedroom. I open the door to light -lots of it- I let out a small yell of surprise and hear Elaine giggle in the kitchen.

"Morning!" She shouts over the sound of sizzling bacon.

"What time is it?" I spit out rubbing my eyes.

"Only eight, love. Just in time for breakfast. Yours is on the table. I know you don't like eggs and bacon." She smiles.

I look at the table and see a plate with two slices of toast with strawberry cream cheese spread across them with a side of blueberries.

I rub my stomach and waltz over to the appetizing meal. I hear a crack from the pan and jump as a hot splatter of grease hits my arm.

"God dammit!" I yelp, running to the sink and turning on the cold water.

"Taylor, I am so sorry. I didn't think you were gonna get that close."

"It's fine, I'm fine. Just a little burn." I endure the pain a second before taking the cold rag from Elaine. Then I sit down and devour my toast and blueberries greedily.

I feel Elaine's eyes burning holes on my back as I swallow the last bit of my meal.

I gather my dishes and put them in the dishwasher without looking at Elaine.

I'm so fat. How did I just eat all of that? Ew.

I go to my bathroom casually and hop on my scale. It reads 128. For being twenty and five feet eight inches thats way underweight, but for being me it's fat.

A/N

"Regrets" may be triggering at times, sorry. I know it may not be good now, but I think it'll eventually get better c: thanks for reading the first part! I'll try and update some every day!(: