A Healed Heart. (A mans love book 1)

Doubtful moments (cont.)

Chapter 9

(Ryan)

I was lying in my bed, alone, but I wasn't asleep. I was staring out the window, Anthony's final words echoing in my mind over and over again. After a while, I guess I fell asleep, because I started seeing things. I was in a room, with Anthony, and we were sleeping together. We seemed so peaceful, and it seemed like no one could take us apart. Suddenly there was a series of violent, Earth shaking quakes that threw me out of the bed. Anthony jumped up and ran to the opposite side of the room. I tried to run towards him, but I felt a huge gush of fiery heat that spewed from the ground and created a barrier between Anthony and I. I tried to get past the flame to be with him, but the fire was too hot, I burned myself numerous times. And I suddenly saw the fire moving closer towards me, and it started to surround me. "Anthony!" I shouted. "Why Ryan," Anthony asked. "Why do you want to hide me?" I suddenly saw the fire begin to consume Anthony." He screamed, and I could feel his suffering and confusion. "Anthony!" I shouted. "If you love me, let me know!" He said. "Save me!" "I can't!" I shouted. I tried, I tried so hard to move, but the pain from being burned was too much for me to bear. I could do nothing but watch my love burn. I felt flames licking at my legs, and I suddenly felt my legs burning, and I could feel my fear rising fast. "Help me!" I heard Anthony scream. And then the vision ended. I fell out of my bed, and I put myself into a sitting position on the floor. I felt the tears come to my eyes. And I tried to stop them, but no matter how many times I wiped them away, more and more came. Before I could stop myself, I began whimpering and sniffling. It's not like I wanted to hide him. I wanted to show him off like a new car, but, I was just afraid of what other people would think of me. I've heard about hate crimes, and, I just don't want to lose Anthony. I'm afraid, and I've allowed that to come between my love for him. And because of that, I might lose him now. I wouldn't be surprised if he left me for someone that wouldn't be afraid to show him off. At the thought of that, I lost everything. I stood up and staggered to the bathroom. After staring at myself for a few minutes, I went into the shower stall, not caring that I was still in my night clothes. I turned the water on and kept the temperature on the coldest setting. I sat down on the floor and allowed the water to wash over me as I sat with my head down. Ashamed at myself. The water washed away my salty tears, but more replaced the ones that were washed. I shivered from the extremely cold water, and I waited for comfort to come. I longed for Anthony's touch, for his warmth to surround me like it had always done before.

(Anthony)

I laid in bed, dwelling on the thought of why Ryan wanted to keep our relationship a secret. I get that he's scared, I really do, but anyone that would dare want to hurt him would have to answer to me, and pay with their life. I love Ryan, but I will not be a secret, for anyone. I wished that I could make him see that there's so much to love about him, and that anyone that tries to dwell on the fact that he's different, is stupid and Naïve, and they shouldn't be in his life in the first place. There's just so much more to life than people's pointless, baseless judgments that they are not even cleared to make because they have their own problems. I knew that this wasn't going to be the best part in our relationship. But I wanted Ryan to know that if he wanted to hide me, then we would just have to be friends. I would still love him, but from a distance. I just, hate being someone's secret. I used to have affairs with guys when I had a girlfriend, and even despite that, I wanted a boyfriend, not just a sex-buddy. And now I know what it feels like to want to be with someone, and all they want to do is hide you. It hurts, and it feels like they don't even really love you. I got out of bed to tell Ryan what I've decided. It would hurt, I know. It would hurt him, but it would hurt me even more. I wouldn't be able to look at him knowing that we couldn't be together if he decided that other's opinions were more important than me. And I wouldn't be able to function knowing that he won't be waiting for me when I come home. I would have to quit my job, move to another state, get hypnotherapy to try and erase him from my mind, and just move on. I thought of this, but then I realized that I wouldn't go through with any of it. The only thing that would make me happy was being with Ryan. I sat up and climbed out of bed before putting my sweatpants on and heading to his room to tell him what I've reluctantly decided. I walked down the hall, and I heard sobbing coming from the bathroom. I also heard running water, and the door was partially opened. I saw Ryan's bed blanket on the floor, and I lifted it to inspect it before I called out his name. There was no response, but there was more sobbing. I let the blanket fall to the floor before I gently pushed the door aside, and witnessed a scene that destroyed me. Ryan was sitting in the shower, dressed, and underneath water that was on full stream. "Ryan?" I choked as tears filled my eyes, but he didn't respond, he just sat there, still crying. I was so hurt by what I saw that I didn't bother removing my clothes. I pushed back the shower door and I stepped in before sliding down the wall next to him. "Ryan, please, talk to me." I pleaded. Ryan didn't respond for a moment, but then he looked up at me with puffy eyes, and a tear stricken face despite the water. "You-you d-died." He said. "What do you mean?" I asked. "A-Anthony, I s-saw you burn to d-death." He stuttered, his teeth chattering. The last word he said broke my heart. "I-I thought I had lost you. I'm so sorry Anthony, please, I'm so sorry." I pulled him closer to me and rested my chin on his head. He leaned his head back as he continued crying despite my efforts to comfort him. I held his face in my arms and continued to rock back and forth with him. The water had made my normally bushy hair dripping wet. I pushed it back and leaned down before pushing my lips against Ryan's. I tasted tap water and salty tears. But all I cared about was feeling his lips pressed against my own. I heard his breath hitch as I kissed him. After a while, he loosened up and moved his lips in sync with my own. We parted, and he looked at me like he wanted me to kiss him more. "Ryan," I began. "I love you, more than I've loved anyone else, but ......" "I don't want to hide you Anthony." Ryan said. "I want to tell the whole world that I love you." "So, what's stopping you.?" I asked. "I just don't want people to know ......." "Damn your friends!" I shouted. Ryan sat up and looked at me before nodding his head shamefully. I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have ....." "You're right." He interrupted as I looked at him. "To hell with my friends, You're the only person's opinion I care about now." Ryan wiped his tears away, and looked at me with a weak smile painted across his face. He was tired, and I smiled back as he leaned back onto me. We sat there for another few minutes, and then I realized that I was getting numb from the cold water. "We should probably to go bed." I suggested, but Ryan had somehow fallen asleep in the cold water, in my arms. I chuckled in surprise before I turned the water off and carried him to his bed. I peeled off his wet clothes along with mine, and I laid him underneath the covers. As I turned to go back to my room, I heard him moan to me. "Don't go Anthony, I'm so cold." I turned around and smiled at him. His eyes were barely open, and he seemed so exhausted. "I can bring you some extra blankets." I said as he pouted at me. "You know I don't want more blankets. I want you." I smiled at his cute face and pulled back the blankets before climbing into bed with him. He rested his head on my chest, and I breathed in every aroma that radiated from him. He smelled so good, and it was intoxicating to me. I heard him gently snoring in my grip. "I love you." I whispered as I gently pecked a kiss on his forehead. I leaned my head back and shut my eyes as I allowed exhaustion and peace to wash over me before falling into a deep slumber.