A Healed Heart. (A mans love book 1)

The journey begins (cont.)

Chapter 12

I was at home, going through a box of old letters from my dead boyfriend; Mark. I had read most of them, mostly because I was trying to decide whether or not I would throw out the entire box. I loved Mark so much, but he was gone now, and there was no use wishing him back, because it would never happen. I had just finished reading the last letter from Mark, when I saw a final one at the bottom of the box. This one had different handwriting on it, and I was unsure who it was from. On the cover, it read; "Anthony Jameson-Wilkins." I saw that I had never opened it before, and I took my letter opener and sliced the top. I pulled out the letter and began reading;

Anthony,

I remember when we first met at the library. I could tell when you first started talking to me that you were super nervous. It seemed so cute and flattering to me at the time. I could tell that you were going to be a great boyfriend if we ever did date. When you came to my house the next day, I was so excited to see you. I remember all of those things we said, what we were going to do to each other, and I was so happy because I thought that I had finally found someone who would love me no matter what. (When we did fall in love) I then became really scared when you told me that you loved me and that you wanted to be with me. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but I honestly felt that we would be going too fast if I did say that. When you told me that you were moving to the Philippines, I wanted to tell you that you should stay because everything would get better. But when you told me that you would only stay if we could be together, I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but I didn't want to lead you on and then break your heart. That's why I told you that I didn't want to be with you. I wanted to get to know you, and I knew that you would hate me after I said no, and when you told me that you knew that nobody would love you, I wanted to comfort you because I knew that there was someone out there for you that would love you the way you loved them. I just......didn't think that it was me. I hope that when you read this letter, you will understand why I said what I said, and that you have found someone that loves you the way you love them.

With apologies and hope;

Simon Ksa

I stared at the letter for a minute, trying to let what I'd just read sink in. I met Simon at the library in uptown several months ago, when I was still trying to get over Mark. He was so beautiful, and when I first saw him, it was love at first sight, or, so I thought. I spent forty minutes trying to talk to him, but pulling back every time because I was so nervous. I wanted to impress him, but I didn't want to sound like an idiot either. When I finally did talk to him, he seemed super nice, and I wanted to immediately ask him out, but I didn't want to rush things, so we continued talking. Before I knew it, we were talking about being with each other and living happy lives. I even went to his house. Just when I thought about how I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend, he told me he was going to California, and it was then that things started going downhill. After a while, I admitted my feelings for him that I loved him and I wanted to be with him. And after I asked him if he wanted to be with me; he told me no. It was then that I realized that everything I had imagined; everything I had hoped; was a lie. Everything was a lie, and I was hurt, so bad. I wanted to end my own life, and I just hated everyone. I began acting hostile towards almost everyone, and I just didn't want to be bothered. I felt horrible, lonely, confused, rejected, and devastated. I grew to hate Simon, and I realized that everything he said from day one; was a lie. I quit my job, became a porn addict and a whore, and I refused to take care of myself for weeks at a time. I grew to want to make Simon suffer the way I did. I began formulating plots and playing scenarios in my mind where I could destroy him and everything he loved. I was actually contemplating suicide before I met Ryan, and my world changed forever. I was dwelling on this dark past, when my phone rang. It was Ryan. "Hey." Ryan said. "You never answered any of my texts so I thought I would call and see how you were doing." I looked at the messaging menu and saw that Ryan had texted me about four times within the last hour. "Sorry." I said. "I was just....... reading some old letters." "Is everything okay babe?" He asked. "Yeah." I sighed. I just, was thinking about something that went down a few months ago." "Oh." Ryan said. "What happened?" "It's nothing, I was just dwelling on something that is ancient history." I said dismissively. "You shouldn't dwell on the past though, it's not good for you if you want to live a happy life." "I know." I sighed. "I want to come over." Ryan said out of the blue. I was about to say that I had to clean my house, but then he said; or I could come over there, if your busy. I looked around my house. Books, soda cans, clothes, and shoes were strewn across my room. Ryan must have sensed what I was thinking, because he chuckled. "If your house is too dirty, then you can come over here." I sighed with relief. I crumpled up Simon's letter and threw it in the nearby wastebasket....... when I left the room, I didn't look back for a second................

I went to Ryan's home and knocked on the door. It opened, and Ryan came out. "Hey." I said as Ryan's face lit up and he gently pulled me close to him and kissed me. I embraced him as he kissed me. Ryan held my head before we parted and he led me into the apartment and shut the door. "How's my beloved boyfriend.?" He asked. I sat down on the couch as Ryan began making a cup of coffee. "I'm doing okay, I guess." I said. 'Why just okay baby?" He asked. "I-I'm still thinking about earlier." I said sadly. Ryan placed the cup he drank out of into the sink and approached me. He kneeled on one knee and took my hands. He gently massaged them and looked up at me. "Anthony," He said. "If this relationship is going to work, then we need to be honest with each other, and we need to trust each other, and we have to believe and have faith in each other. I felt tears well in my eyes as I realized that I was being ungrateful and selfish towards Ryan by dwelling in the past and allowing my bad experiences to define me. And I saw that he was trying to comfort me and make me happy, but for some reason, it just wasn't working. Ryan tried to cheer me up, but nothing seemed to make me feel better. Finally, Ryan suggested that I stay the night, and my face lit up somewhat, mostly because I was glad to be spending the night with someone I actually wanted to be with. We ate dinner, showered, and we climbed into bed. We tried to watch a movie, but then we decided that we should get some sleep. Ryan turned the T.V off, and we looked at each other before he turned off the light and laid his head down. I looked over at him, and I saw that his eyes were still open. He looked over at me, and our eyes met. His was so beautiful. And I suddenly felt so lucky to be with him. I smiled to myself as I realized that all those people that had rejected me, or lied to me, it was their problem now, not mine. I finally found someone who would love me no matter what. And to be honest, all of those rejections I've been through, and all of those lies I've been told, it actually made me stronger, and wiser. Because I know now a liar when I see one, or when I hear one speak. And now that I have found someone, I don't really want anyone else, even though I keep thinking about Simon, and a few other people, I realized that even if they wanted me back, I wouldn't take them, I couldn't, wouldn't do that to Ryan. I love him way too much, and I don't want to hurt him, ever. Ryan saw me staring at him and he smiled. "I'm hungry." He complained suddenly. I turned over in my sheets. 'Well, I could make you some......" I never got to finish. My sentence before Ryan tackled me unto the bed and began kissing my body. "I meant I was hungry for you." My boyfriend said in a seducing tone as he gently began massaging my body. He played with my nipples before he gently grazed his tongue against them. I moaned his name and before he could begin to take off my pants, my phone rang. I sighed and looked at the clock. It was 11:30, who could be calling this time of night? I answered it, and discovered that it was one of my ex-boyfriend's mom, whose son had tried to commit suicide just twenty minutes ago. She asked me to come to the hospital, but she refused to tell me which one of my old boyfriends it was. She sounded like it was really urgent, so I told her I would be there. I hung up the phone, climbed out of bed, and began throwing my clothes on. Ryan looked at me in concern. "What's wrong baby?" He asked. "One of my ex-boyfriends tried to commit suicide." I said. "What? Why? Who is it?" Ryan asked. "I don't know, and, I don't know." I said. Ryan got up and began to put some clothes on. "I'm coming with you." He said. "No," I said. "It's okay." "Are you sure?" He asked. "I just.... I don't want things to get awkward between you and my ex." I said. Ryan nodded as if he understood. "Just be careful." He said. "I will." I promised before I gently pecked a kiss on his lips, and walked out of the door.