Written in the Paper

XLIII.

I held back the tears and stared at the person that caused this much pain in the first place.

When I spoke it was obvious something was wrong, but like always I tried to hide it, "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just a little tired. You know, it's hot outside and stuff. Um, I'm sorry I just really want to listen to music by myself and get my work done."

What I really wanted to say might have just broke his heart, so I kept it to myself.

But this is what I wanted to say, "I'm not fine. I'm tired. Tired of being your secret. 

Tired of being friends with benefits because I don't even know if we still are that. Did you think we could continue this for almost a year and not develop some sort of  feelings together? 

On my side it's been clear since day one, I will always have feelings for you. You're also my ex. This makes this worse. I constantly cry every day and night because I don't know if I'm able to live with the fact that this is all fake. The hand holding, the kissing, the sweet nicknames. Then you go and do it with another people behind my back and I have to find out through someone else and you still don't know that I know.

I adore you. Every part of you. Past, present, and even future. You use to be the sun that lit up my whole day and made me the happiest person. Now you're dark as the pitch black sky and I can't get out of this because you won't let me emotionally. You know you have that emotional rope on me. 

I have to go through one more year of this. Frankly, I'm tired. So please, let me listen to my dumb as you call it clichè music and let me try and be happy. For once this year."