[DISCONTINUED] Wherever on the Spectrum

I'm Straight, I Swear

I sat behind the school, a cigarette dangling between my lips. My friend Ashley sighed and looked at it disapprovingly.

"Don't give me that look. You smoke too," I snapped. She shook her head.

"It's dangerous. I wish you wouldn't. Hell, I'd stop if I had enough motivation," she replied, lying down into her pickup truck bed.

A few cheerleaders walked past, giving me a dirty look. I knew how they saw me. Sweet little cheerleader Lizzie, losing her mind and changing her name to Lana in the middle of tenth grade. What a mystery. What a cautionary tale. Of course, they didn't know the full story. My mother had died that year and my father turned to alcohol. Her death was never talked about or heard about much. My parents were just another cautionary tale for everyone. The teenage pregnancy couple that kept me. What a disgrace. And now their daughter was growing up to be a lowlife too.

I pulled myself back into reality as two girls walked by. Melanie Martinez and Marina Diamandis. Ashley sat up too, staring at them. They glanced in our direction and waved.

"Lana, we really should meet after school today," called Marina. I stared in confusion. Why would she want to meet with me? Oh right! We had a project together in economics.

"Sure," I called back, blushing. The two of them walked off, giggling.

"Oh, the things that I'd do to that little Martinez slut if she'd let me," Ashley said, trailing off. She turned to look at me. "Oh my god. You're blushing!" I rolled my eyes and pulled out another cigarette.

"You wish, asshole. I'm straight as fuck," I turned away from her, doubting even myself on this.

"Bitch, you're as straight as this pavement!" she exclaimed, gesturing at the rough gravel beneath us.

"Whatever. You're a dick," I replied, lying down on the truck.

"I thought you liked dick. You don't seem to like me right now," she replied smirking.

"Fuck off," I replied and rolled over. Why did I care so much? I just wanted to be Marina's friend, right?

To be fair, though, I had never let myself question my sexuality. Just in case I wasn't straight. My father would never be okay with it, and it would just give people another reason to talk. For me, thoughts of girls were things that happened in the dead of the night, when I was alone and groggy and unable to stop myself. They happened when I had fevers and was practically dying in my room, but my father was caring for his addiction rather than me and I was sure I was going to die. But everyone gets curious sometimes. How long could I hold this back? It was becoming harder and harder to lie to myself every day.

Ashley nudged me. "Hey. Lunch is almost over. You gonna skip or actually attend classes for once?"

I rolled my eyes. "You wanna go somewhere new?"

A wicked grin spread across her face. "I'm driving."