All In My Head

Chapter 5

I jolt awake, I must have fallen asleep on the floor of my bedroom. I look over my shoulder and Dawn walks into my room and sits down on my bed, she looks around my room and tears spill over, she cradles the scrapbook in her arms. She comes over to all the pictures on my dresser and cries a little more. "Oh Hazel" she says "why did you have to go".

Once she leaves, I walk over to my desk where I left my computer, I open it, surprised to find all the messages I was sent, I wouldn't find that strange before but now it's just weird because I'm dead.  I read through each and every one of them, I got one from almost all my classmates and a few from my teachers.Most of them just said they were sorry, but they all mentioned how they didn't know how it happened, do people not spread the word about someones death fast? I thought my death would spread like wildfire. Not that I think I'm super popular or anything, just, I live in a small town, where news spreads fast and within the next day, my friends, neighbors, cousins, friend knows that I have a boyfriend, that's just what happens where I live. I also got an email from every family member, they know the story, at least the story Bella told, and I received a very long one from Bella. I hesitate before opening it, afraid of what she might say. I close my eyes and open it.

Oh Hazel, I know you will never read this but I just need to get this out. I am so sorry, I never wanted this to happen, I was lost and upset and didn't handle the situation very well. I couldn't sleep last night, every time I close my eyes I would see you on the ground. I lost the most important person in my life last night, my best friend, my sister, my protector. You're the only one who understands me Hazel. You listen to me when I want to be heard, you calm me down when I'm upset. You're the one who got me over the loss of my father. After he died I was so lost, I felt like the cancer took him and my soul along with him. You helped me find myself again. You stood by my side at my worst times. And even last night, you wouldn't go down without a fight, you cared for me to much to lose me like that, and you didn't storm away, you stayed with me, and tried to calm me down. And after all your effort I lost control of myself. I will never forgive myself for that. Because of me, you lost your life. Because of me you will never get married or raise a family, you will never go to university and follow your dream of becoming a director, and you won't even graduate high school. And we won't grow old together like we wanted to. Hazel, you are so kind, and understanding, sweet, friendly, lovable, positive and happy. I can always count on you to put a smile on my face. I will miss you Hazel. I hope you can ever forgive me, I understand if you can't, I don't think I will ever forgive myself. I'll never forget you Hazel, you will always be my best friend.

       Your best friend,

            Bella Graham

I sat there in silence, tears threatening to spill. I close my computer and breathe. "Of course I forgive you Bella" I whisper.

I walk downstairs to find my whole family watching TV, I sit down next to my mom, they're watching more old home videos, they're laughing and they look so happy, but, behind everyone's eyes, I still see sadness. I lean my head on my mom's shoulder, I can't imagine what it's like to lose your oldest child, your first baby. We sit there all day, not bothering to do anything else but to spend time with each other, remembering their oldest sister, their first child, a family member.