Sorry guys most of these are more romantic or advice like than funny...I tried. The video is hilarious though.
[first lines]
Hitch:
Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me," or something like, "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.
[Unimpressed with Albert's dance moves, Hitch pauses the music and slaps him across the face]
Hitch: Get out.
Hitch: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
Sara: So life's kind of hard all around.
Hitch: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "**** off" sign that you have stamped on your forehead.
Hitch: [talking about when kissing going 90 per cent then he goes 10] Now, show show me the magic, Albert. Show me the magic...
Albert: [kisses Hitch]
Hitch: [after being kissed] What the hell was that?
Albert: I'm showing you the magic!
Hitch: No, I said come ninety then I come ten! You don't go the whole hundred! My mouth was open, Albert. You overeager son of a... BLECH!
[walks away]
Hitch: I just know that I want to be... miserable. Like, *really* miserable. But hey, if that's what it takes for me to be happy, then... wait, that didn't come out right.
Hitch: Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down "Why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly is you.
Sara: What's your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: Aw, you can't get 'em to stop?
When your wondering what to say, or how you look… just remember… she is already out with you. That means, she said yes, when she could’ve said no. That means she made a plan… when she could’ve just blown you off. So that means it is no longer you job to make her like you… It’s is your job NOT TO MESS IT UP.
