Jay: [holds up his badge] See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punk*ss Down!
Kay: Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.
Jay: What?
Kay: Just shoot the d*** thing on the count of three!
Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay: A galactic standard week? How the h*** long is that?
Kay: One hour.
Jay: One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay: Oh, now that's bull****.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
Jay: [to startled passengers] It just be raining black people in New York!
Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bull****! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
Kay: You're nothing but a smear on the Sports page to me, you slimy, ugly, intestinal parasite! Eat me! Eat me!
[the Bug swallows Kay whole]
Jay: Kay! Kay!
Edwards: Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Edwards: What's the catch?
Kay: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
[starts walking away]
Edwards: [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
Kay: Oh yeah, it's worth it.
[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
Kay: If you're strong enough!
[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my a** while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some s***, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
[pause]
James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology?
[pause]
James Edwards: That's a good shot though..
[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay: That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay: Aw s***! Aw d***! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home
