REALITY- a goofed up nightmare ( nanowrimo13)

chap 43

Days pass, weeks pass, but nothing could help me get over him.Nothing that could convince me to forget him.

The only thong i kept repeating was, I miss Aarsh.

I miss him..miss him a LOT..miss him every freaking day...

when anything is happening..it just ends up reminding me of him...every stupid incident...every little talk..everything reminds me of him.

when I am alone...it reminds me of everything he said to cheer me up when I was low.

there are some things and opinions I had for people that I only shared with him.

I dint like people judging me so I obviously couldn't comment on people's behaviour.

but if i felt any of those things.. I always shared it with him.

he helped me think rationally.

living life in the present was what he taught me the best.

enjoying life...doing what you like...saying what you feel...all this was alien to me.

he was the one to teach me all of this.

I had trust issues. it was difficult for me to accept new changes..talking to different people...all was a lot difficult for me.

he was the only one is 16 years of life that had me bring my guard down.

I had this wall built around me where I never let people close.

I always thought the ones who get close to you hurt you the most.

but he was the one who broke that guard.

he made me fall head over heels for him.

But now is exactly what happened. The person i loved the most, is not a part of my life any more.

everyday when I wake up in the morning or before I sleep...I always pray and request or rather beg God to give me the strength to survive another day without him.

I know things wont ever be same again..

he Hates me...and its going to be better for me to accept it.

the rational part of my brain tells me nothing is ever going to work up between us ever again because he hates me that bad.

But a very small part of me still has a small tiny..very tiny ray of hope that one day...one day he may realize how much I love him...and choosing parents was the only option I had ever had...

I would never ditch my parents for anything in this world.

I would have died with the guilt the day I left them for him.

I would never risk my parents pride and values for him even if it meant dying every single day.

I couldn't do that to them.

I would trade my life to have him back but not at cost of my parents...except that I would have done any and everything in my power to have him till he wanted me to be a part of his life.

but now its too late..he doesn't even want to talk..forget talk ..he doesn't even want to see me.

he hates me that bad.

and the worst part it...its rips me apart every time even when I think the boy who loved me to pieces hates me now.

I have gone into a freaking self pity mode.

and the stupidest part is I pretend to happy and show that I have moved on.

I cant hurt people around me..which I am sure will be hurt or maybe show sympathy for my broken heart.

And that is the last thing I need right now.

I just miss him.

I miss everything about him.

the way he would make me smile with a silly comment.

the way he made me feel special.

the dates that we had.

those shady little arguments.

fighting for selecting movies

lunch plans and bickering over wastage of food.

late night calls and texting every 10 minutes.

sneaking into my room from my window to just cuddle up.

falling into a peaceful sleep while talking about random stuffs.

solving any issue with so much easy.

that feeling of being complete.

I miss the feeling of being safe..feeling  of being wanted.

the irony is just so strange...every night now I cry my eyes out thinking about him and missing him. and just a few days back it was falling asleep thinking about him and cherishing the moments with him.

even today my sleep is with his thoughts but just in a different way.

there is a constant pain in my heart, to know nothing will be alright.EVER.