𝕥𝕖 𝕒𝕞𝕠ღ // 𝕤𝕖𝕢𝕦𝕖𝕝 𝕥𝕠 𝔽𝕦𝕔𝕜 𝔹𝕦𝕕𝕕𝕚𝕖𝕤 (ON HOLD)

thirty-one

a month and a half, divorce is finalized. (probably too short for an actual divorce, but i dont feel like looking it up, lmaoo)

my hands clenched my hair, wanting so badly just to pull it more, cause pain. maybe pain would take my mind from him. why was it always him?

him when i wake up, him when i try to get some sleep. when i shower all i can see is the first time we fucked in the shower, and the last time we did. my bed, the sheets. the smell of him still hasn't worn off and i haven't brought myself around to wash them.

the maroon shirt i stole from him was hanging on the closet door, facing me as i sat on the end of my bed. he was everywhere, and i still felt everything for him. the feelings i developed for him, from the moment he confessed that he loved me, and from then on, i could picture my whole life with him.

i saw us buying our own house together, spending actual time together, being complete goofballs and buying a christmas tree. i imagined us putting it up three months early, then constantly buying each other presents just to piss both of us off.

i saw us going on vacations, going to places I've only dreamed of. i imagined us taking both our families out for a nice treat every once and a while, event traveling up there a lot more often.

i could see our kids, little dimpled, green eyed, curly haired crazies. the thought of him and i tangled up in the sheets, while our little boy would crawl up on our bed and jumped on us to wake us up. nate would wake up first, and roll over on me just to grab our son and stick him in-between us.

i could imagine the baby boys laughter as nate tickled him, as we took him to his favorite places. i would've been the best mother if he was alongside me, now I'm questioning my life without him.

i looked at the full bottle of tequila next to me and the blunt in my fingers. i was smoking more and more everyday, and i would get a decent high before it was crashed by thoughts of him wiggled back into my thoughts.

my eyes snapped open and i felt bile rising to my throat. nausea filled my body and within a flash, i was at the toilet, vomiting my guts out. lately, i haven't really been feeling up to par. I'm bloated as hell and my...

holy fucking shit.

i wiped my mouth and ran from the bathroom. over my underwear, i tossed on leggings and a zip up hoodie, grabbing my keys from the vanity. my hair was a mess, basing that from my reflection in the mirror.

but i didnt need to look sexy when i needed to go to the drug store.

--

five minutes, that was all i had to wait. a simple one, two, three, four, five. but that was filed down to five 60 second intervals and that sixty seconds felt like a year when you're waiting to see if you're pregnant.

i paced my room for the first two minutes, looking at the burned out blunt and the full bottle of tequila. i couldnt handle pacing this room any longer, so i served out the rest of my three years downstairs.

that timer rang and my stomach dropped. my eyes slowly moved to the stairs and i dreaded walking towards them to see what i know is true. sometimes you just need that second opinion as back up.

laying on the counter near the toilet was the white stick, and in the mirror was my makeup stained cheeks looking at me. with one hand i grabbed the horror awaiting me and stared down at the... positive test.

a gasp fell from me and i fell to my knees. i haven't had sex since nate said he was leaving me, so that must mean its his baby.

he wanted a kid and now look at me.

i lifted up my hoodie and stared at my already slightly bloated belly. two months... almost two months where a baby has grown and developed inside of me without my knowledge.

my hand chucked the stick into the trashcan and i walked to my bed, looking down at it with sudden anger.

why, why, why, why?

"fucking hell!" i yelled, emotions starting to fall over me like a ton of bricks.

what was i going to do?

was i going to tell Nate?