𝕥𝕖 𝕒𝕞𝕠ღ // 𝕤𝕖𝕢𝕦𝕖𝕝 𝕥𝕠 𝔽𝕦𝕔𝕜 𝔹𝕦𝕕𝕕𝕚𝕖𝕤 (ON HOLD)

thirty-two

the next day i was with my gynecologist, my legs spread and an ultrasound machine resting beside us.

she spent her time digging around my goods, poking my insides and holding them open with a cold ass device. i hated this chick, yet no one will ever let me switch to the one better recommended.

she didnt say anything as she just stood, slid off her gloves and moving to her computer. i sat up a bit and closed my legs, now feeling awkward. she walked over and tapped on my belly, i glimpsed down at the awkward dress and moved it so my belly was exposed.

she squirted the gel carelessly on my skin and started rubbing it around with the stick. she was the one facing the screen and i just looked upwards at the ceiling. it felt like hours until she focused in on my spot and then spun the screen to face me.

"right there." she pointed to a small, bean like shape. my heart skipped a beat and i took in a sharp breath.

"do you know how long ago it was really conceived?" the lady studied the screen for a few minutes before nodding.

"six weeks-ago. start expecting a bump in the next few weeks." she wiped off my belly and then took that and her new gloves and tossed them all in the trash.

i took my time getting dressed, back into my jeans and the maroon t-shirt of nates. his cologne filled my nose and the thought of me having to tell him entered my thoughts. what was i going to say?

i needed to see him, but he wouldnt want to see me.. so ill call him. he's more likely to answer that because its not face to face talk. i signed myself out of the office and walked quickly to my car.

as soon as i was sitting behind the safe walls of tinted windows, my eyes fell and i found my belly. it was bloated, and i sure as hell didn't think i was pregnant. a shaky hand reached down and skimmed across my stomach.

my hand fished my phone from my purse and brought up siri. "call husband." my eyes teared at that, and especially when it said the ring emoji, heart eyes emoji and the two hearts at the end. he put himself in my phone the last night of our honeymoon. it was cute, and i never changed it.

it rang for ages, until to my surprise, he picked up. "what." he snapped, his voice cold and harsh. it made the tears overflow onto my cheeks.

"lets have a baby together." i managed to get that out without squeaking, but i was still crying.

there was a loud sigh and a pause. "I'm not going to take some bullshit lie just so we can get back together. good bye Alessandra, call me when youre mature." the line went dead and it was instant, i was sobbing. my phone slid and landed in my lap and i felt my whole body collapse against the seat.

why did it hurt so much.

i ended up driving up home crying, but i pulled into Johns successfully. i don't think my body would be able to handle going home sober. my shoes padded softly on his driveway and i tried to ignore all the cars in his driveway. but with that in mind, i cleaned up my makeup before stepping foot outside the car.

there was music on the other side of the door and i heard laughs, which made me feel bad. i was stopping by his house for a good buzz, but i feel like he won't want me here.

and to my surprise, the door opened as i was about to knock. there was john with a wide, very high smile. "hello, miss." he handed me a blunt and moved my hand so it was between my lips. he nodded with an even wider smile.

"I'm using you for a buzz." his eyebrows furrowed and i avoided his gaze. i didnt inhale the smoke, and i am getting a hookup but just after i do some research about pregnancy and pot.

john looked behind his back for a second before nodding. "stay, uh here." he shut the door and i stood awkwardly on the front step of his porch, ready to start crying because i know he's in there. i saw his car.

why did i come up here anyways? i don't fucking know.

he came back with a fake smile and handed me a small bag filled with blunts. they were wrapped in different joint wraps and i knew the darker ones were nates. which made my stomach drop.

my mind went down to the baby and i took the bag, walking away quickly. i was beginning to cry again. again, as soon as the car doors were surrounding me i broke. my head hit the steering wheel and i dropped the blunts in the passenger side seat.

what was i going to do?