Evil Ecstasy

chapter 9; lizza

I closed my eyes and the words flowed out of my mouth before I could stop them

" Because I am the reason lilly died " I could feel the lump in my throat.

" Why ?" Lyric asked . I opened my eyes and looked at her , her green eyes showed concern .

Everyone I had met in my life considered me as a second choice , even mom had liked lilly more . I sometimes thought that It would've been better if I was the one in place of lilly that night . I was not used to the way lyric was making me feel.  Like I was important , no one other than lilly made me feel like that . Everyone wanted to know her opinion , everyone wanted her company and she always used to prioritize me , always made me feel important.

At first I thought lyric was just pretending to be interested just like Roy did , just like all my friends did but now when ive talked to her , she seems genuine . She seems like lilly . I loved lilly a lot but there was no hiding the fact that I was always the second twin.  I nervously shifted my feet and accidently put my left foot on the cut on my right foot .
I grimaced , I felt lyrics eyes boring in to me , expecting an answer but I remained quiet .

For some reason I felt relieved and at the same time angry at myself . Being the second favorite I always feared what other people thought of me and for me sharing is stressful . But today my confession had relaxed me . But I was angry at myself as I knew that lyric could tell mom or Sean about this .

" I won't tell anyone , if that's what you're worried about.  " She said .
My head snapped up , it was like she was reading my thoughts .

" Don't worry , I understand lizza , it's not easy to share your feelings especially when you think it's your fault . I'll not push you more today . You can tell me whenever you feel like . " She said with a smile on her face .

I tried to smile back and that's when I noticed a tear had slipped my eye . I quickly wiped it with the back of my hand .
I hated crying in front of people , I didn't want pity in their eyes for me . Sure I was a bit lonely but I had never liked it when I was pitied.
I stood up to leave accidently pushing the glass of iced tea , it spilled on the table.

Great ! More embarrassment

Lyric stood up and Began putting tissues on the spilled iced tea . Some of it splashed on her dress but she seemed oblivious to it. 

" I am so sorry , I am so clumsy " I cringed at myself for being such an idiot .
She. Looked up and smiled ,

" The last thing you have to be around me is conscious, I am more clumsy than you can ever imagine lizza " she snickered while cleaning her dress with a napkin.

I smiled , she was different than rest if my friends , she didn't scream at me for ruining her dress .
" Thank-you lyric "

" Don't mention it " she winked at me .
" Can we meet tomorrow?" She asked me. 
.

" Sure, tell me the time and place . " I liked talking to her.  She didn't judge me. 

" Anna , my best freind will also be there with us tomorrow.she is nice , you'll like her . We can  meet at the mall ?"
I was a bit hesitant, I didn't like meeting new people , it was too exhausting .

"  Just remember one thing lizza , we've been through the same thing , I can understand what you're going through . I know how you feel . We are similar in ways , you could never imagine ." She suddenly said with a serious look on her face. I looked at my watch it was 10 , I stood up to leave , lyric also stood up and picked her clutch. 

" Okay , I should leave now , it was nice meeting you . Bye " I saved at her and started to go towards the door .
She waved back and went to the other direction .

I left the café more relaxed than I've ever been in the last 4 months   I was beginning to like the idea of a freind , but I knew better than to trust some girl so easily .
Roy had been one such mistake . His sweet nature at first led me to believe that he cared about me . I have regretted that decision ever since.

I was walking towards my car when A small boy tugged on my arm .

" Yes ?" I asked sweetly . He was a cute looking boy with brown eyes. 

" A boy asked me to give this to you " he said . There was a small chocolate like a Hershey's kisses in his hand .

" Thanks " I looked around and saw no one . Before I could ask the little boy about who have this chocolate to him , he was gone.

I took the chocolate with me in my car and drive towards home .

When I reached my room I took out the chocolate and opened it   there was a small mountain shaped chocolate . There was no way I was gonna eat this , I was about to throw it when I found a small paper inside the wrapper , beneath the chocolate . It was like one of those quotes in a fortune teller cookie .
I opened it . My work spinner around ad I read what was written in it .

Glad to see you're making friends but isn't it a little to early to smile that much ? After all lilly did die for you ,the least you could do is give her some respect
:)

My hands were shaking now , tears running down my cheeks .this was impossible, no one knew about this , it was only me , lilly and him who knew .

Him

He's back . I sobbed , the paper fell out of my hands as each and every memory came back . The calls , the videos , that night .....

A knock on the door jolted me out of my thoughts . I picked up the paper and kept in beneath my pillow and wiped my tears .

" Come in "
Sean came in , he was wearing a white crisp shirt and blue jeans 

" Where's mom " he asked and looked towards me . His eyes softened a bit. 

" Yeah , I forgot to tell you , she has gone to LA for some business deal , she ll be back after a week " I replied .
" Why were you crying ?" He asked as he started to walk towards me .

" I wasn't " I replied with a straight face . He stopped in his tracks , his jaw clenched   he was angry .

" Why lizza ? Why ? Why do you keep pushing us away ?" He said in exasperation. I looked away

" Why don't you share anything with us ? Everyone is going through the pain lizza , shutting yourself out won't help it " he said angrily .

" I have nothing to say , why don't you understand that ?" I snapped back .

" Yeah right !" He scoffed and turned around .
" We wont understand anything lizza , till you tell us what's going on " he muttered and banged the door behind him .

Tears stared running down , I picked up the paper from beneath the pillow .

He was right , I had no right to smile , no right to be happy .

I crumpled the piece of the paper and began looking for the knife I hid yesterday night . I needed it . It had helped me sleep without he nightmares , maybe it would let me get rid of the banging pain in my chest , the feeling of self loathing was causing each and every muscle of my body to pain .

The knife would hurt but the pain I was feeling right now was much more than any kind of pain .

I hate myself .

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Hi guys , I am sorry for the long wait for a new chapter , my exams are going on making it difficult for me to write . I changed the cover of the book tell me if you like it , also please tell me what you think about this book and any comments about the direction it's going in . Please click on the little star below if you like the. Chapter and comment what you think . Enjoy reading :D