*2 months later (February)*
Shocked I sat in my cold room alone as I thought about what had happened between me and Alfie that dreaded night. It wasn’t unusual; to sit here wondering what happened back on that cold lonely night in December. The night I broke down and not even Louise could calm me that was the night I lost Alfie, the night I lost even a tiny chance of getting better, recovering from the depression that now ruled my life. I still remember the hurt in Alfies eyes as he saw me with Finn, I can still see the way I lost anything we had. It slipped through my fingers like I was trying to carry water. I haven’t spoken to him since that day and I don’t plan to any time soon.
When Louise had arrived I was long gone, sat in the bathroom on the edge of the bath wondering what was the quickest way to end it all. Nothing could calm me as she cradled me in her arms and promised me it would get better, she lied though. It hasn’t got better, only worse as I distanced myself from all of mine and Alfies old friends. It hadn’t taken them long to drop me either; it hurt and I missed them more than anyone could even imagine.
I picked up my phone and checked twitter, one tweet caught my eye though it read, “I saw ‘zozeebo today in Tesco. She looked like she had lost weight:( are you okai Zoe?”
Sighing I made my way to the bathroom and took of all of my clothes; I stepped on the scales and gasped. My weight had plummeted; I went from my already underweight 7st5lb to a measly 6st4lb. I took a look at myself and realized I really hadn’t been paying attention to my diet, in fact I hadn’t really eaten at all; I was never hungry.
Louise had stayed around worrying about me for a few days after Alfie left but I messed up, yelling at her, one of my biggest regrets was losing Louise. She was the only one who understood me but she’s gone now just like everyone else, given up on me. I’m not surprised I’m hopeless. I still hear our conversation in my head:
“Zoe come on you need to eat” she had said worry and fear clear in her voice as she tried to get me to eat a slice of pizza. I had pushed the plate away in frustration and screamed at her “Louise you don’t get it do you, I’m not hungry all the time like you! I’m not fat like you and I don’t need constant food! Just leave me alone.” I wished I could take it all back afterwards and tears had streamed down my face as she gathered her things and left. But before she closed the door she had said the words that hurt the most, “I thought you were better than this Zoe, I thought I could trust you. Clearly I was wrong.” A single tear had rolled down her cheek as she closed the door and proceeded out of my life forever.
Opening the bathroom cabinet I started to run a scolding hot bath while I searched for my only escape from life, my razors. Taking the razor into my hand I pressed it into my arm that was now covered in ugly scars. In a strange way I thought it was kind of pretty as blood covered my arm and relief flooded my weak body. The pain on my wrist took away all of my thoughts about Alfie, the way he used to grab my waist or rest his hand on my back guiding me through life. I missed the way he used to steal my ‘bad hair day’ beanie and bite his lip, the way he would lift my feet off the ground when he hugged me and most of all I missed him, the way he is. The way he listened to One Direction on his phone when he was angry or sad. How he used to say my hair looked like some sort of pretty painting falling down my back or the way he would smile his goofy smile at me when I said his name. But that was long gone now and any hope I ever had of me and Alfie being together had slowly disintegrated from my life causing more pain than I thought anyone could ever be in.
My viewers were not fooled though; they could tell something was wrong; I hadn’t uploaded a video for weeks now. It was never right… why should I pretend to be happy when they all know I am clearly not. I wasn’t going to sit there telling young girls that it’s all okay because it’s not. They were worried and annoyed at my lack of footage or poor quality that my videos did consist of.
Sometimes I watched old videos back remembering the new life I had been building before my world came crashing down like a tsunami. I would often cry when I watched back videos or vlogs because I couldn’t help but notice that my channel was slowly loosing subscribers and worried comments were flooding in. I sighed and slowly got out of the now cold bath. I pulled on one of Alfie’s shirt he left here, it still smelt like him. His sweet smell that I missed all too often. I climbed into the bed and shivered as my damp hair fell onto my limp body. I don’t remember falling asleep but I remember the nightmare that shook me awake in the early morning. I didn’t get up though there was no point. No point in living when you’re already half dead.
